Thank you everybody for your support yesterday. I went a bit into panic mode after getting those first couple "NO- DON'T!!" posts, and then H arrived home in a foul mood in the middle of reading the posts, and so I just laid low and stayed busy. Driving S18 back to school last night after dinner was relaxing. I'm calling the bldg mgr today and setting a time on Sat to sign the lease. (I just tried and got the voice mail, they're probably at lunch right now).
I typed out that run-down of H's behavior the other day because I still find myself wondering if I'm making a mistake or something. I have the illusion of a normal marriage and I can't see past it sometimes. I don't know what it takes to make the second thoughts and doubt go away. That little voice needs to shut up, it's distracting and not helpful anymore. H made it clear earlier this month- neither one of us is going to change enough to make the other happy. Well, I don't think one of us really tried, and I'm not going to be the only one to jump through hoops this time. And if he feels that way, why is he sticking around? He's waiting for me to go, right? I end up looking like the bad guy for bailing. (And let's not forget the famous line from our last set of troubles- "I paid for everything- leave and don't take anything!!" I haven't forgotten the he!! he put me through that time, and I wouldn't put it past him to try it again when he gets angry about the current situation.)
I haven't told my family my plans yet. I think I just want to handle this by myself. The only thing I'm going to need help with is moving the damn couch and pool table, and I'm sure I can figure something out.
When you're ready to go, just go; preferably when he is not at home, and make sure to have friends helping you in case he gets wind and comes home before you're done. (Preferably male friends; I wouldn't take the chance that he would not strike you, or any other woman present.)
There's no sense in not being too careful. I had a friend who moved out from her abusive husband with an honest-to-goodness police escort; they arrived with her when she came and got her stuff, and left with her.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
If anyone has any ideas on what to say and when to say it to the kids, please let me know. I know everyone is in agreement about short notice, if any, to H, but I'm nervous about shocking the kids by pulling out so suddenly. D17 is the one most affected- she's a junior in HS. S18 (19 on Sat) is a college freshman and lives on campus. I'm expecting 50/50 time with H relative to the kids, but since they are older and mobile, they will have a lot of say over where they park their butts for the night, regardless of what some paper says. Thanks.
I wish there was an easy answer. You are right about one thing, the kids are going to do what they do, no matter what is in any agreement. That can be good and bad... just try to remember that they are going too do what they think is in their best interest, in the moment! And that might not always match up with what you would prefer. Just so you know!
OK, so here's the thing. I can understand not wanting to shock them, but I don't know that you can tell them ahead of time. If you tell them ahead of time, you are setting up an "us" vs. him thing, since they won't be able to tell him. Ideally, you would tell H, and then the two of you would tell the kids together, but I don't have a lot of confidence that that would go really smoothly, either.
I'm most worried about your D. What's her relationship with the two of you like?
She's a lot like H- she can be a smart@ss. She doesn't talk much about her feelings, actually she doesn't talk very much at all,and refuses to let us see her cry. Sometimes she lets me in, but not often, but she's not especially close to H either.
S18 is much more mellow, laid-back and open. He talks to me more than H- he has some of the same communication issues with H that I do.
I expect both of them to be quite shocked and caught by surprise. D more so than S.
Bunny, forgive me for seeming dramatic here, but the morgue is full of people who thought they knew how their spouses would react in any given situation.
I mean, just look at how frightened you are when he comes home! Laying low, steering clear, etc.
Please, I am begging you:
1.DO NOT TELL HIM UNTIL YOU ARE ALREADY MOVED OUT!
2.Do not give him your address.
3. Never be alone with him again. Ever!
4. Let your atty handle all of the property division, and let him make sure you get your fair share.
As far as telling the kids, that should be done at the last possible moment as well. Believe me, you do not want there to be any lag time to allow your h to work on you with more manipulation or to "accidentally" do anything to you. You are in a very dangerous situation and for some reason, you are minimizing it.
Haven't posted much if any on your thread, but I've been following along. I agree with Kimmie, I think an abusive/manipulative person can be dangerous and unpredictable. I think you should be really careful and first priority should be safety....
