Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Gnosis,

I have a question~ how can you believe in God and not believe in forgiveness? I have never been a grudgeholder and I don't get it.

Hmmm... that's a good question. Most people who believe in God do so for all the benefits He provides. i.e. When things go smoothly or to have their expectations met. The moment that these conflict with what they want, pretty much like a WAS, they conveniently ignore or choose what they want to justify their actions. An example is: "Turn the other cheek" and "An eye for an eye"

Sad, but true.

Forgiveness is not easy. This forum is plastered with "unforgiveness". A lot of people use the term loosely now-a-days. The dictionary definition:

forgive
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

It's easy to read but very hard to do. Especially when our mind refuses to forget and the offense is repeated. In your H's case I don't think its the forgiveness that is the problem, but more the forgetting and even more, the loss of trust. In his mind he cannot believe you. The only way he's going to get through this is through a crisis. And I mean a REALLY REAL crisis.

I have often wondered what it might take for him to forgive me and realize that I am not the same person who lied to him.

I'd like to think that I don't let people walk all over me, but I also don't let other people take away my joy.

I know you'd like to think this, however the reality from what you've told us is, it is the farthest from the truth. Out of guilt you have let your H walk all over you and allowed him to crush your joy. (please take this as a padded 2x4)

I guess I asked for this one. I have always allowed him more liberties in my life than anyone I have ever known. In the rest of my life, I am the leader, I am the strong one, the go-to girl. I allowed him to lead me because when I met him, I needed to be led. I was in a dangerous place in my life and he threw me a rope. I took hold of it and held on for dear life.

How can you not forgive and still be happy? This has always bugged me about H.

I'll answer this from my own point of view (which is skewed.) This is where the "mindwipe" comes into play. i.e I choose to ignore your existence and remove you from my life. You may be around me but I'll never trust you again, with anything. Because (for whatever the reason is) I cannot get away from you so I will tolerate your presence. I will not acknowledge your needs. At the earliest possible convenience I will remove you from my life.

I have never heard of the mindwipe before, but that is definitely where I have been for some time now.

I realize that the above is harsh. I don't mean to discourage you but to give you an idea or insight into his head. It MAY NOT be the way your H thinks. This behavior is not about revenge its more on self-preservation and survival. My environment and upbringing were not the same as your H's.

Ya know, when he asked me why I lied, I admitted it was for self preservation. When I realized how good he would be for me, I knew that if I told him the truth, he wouldn't have been with me. And once I loved him, I lied because I didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to lose him, ie. self preservation. He mocks that term with disdain, though he is doing the same thing to me now.

Thanks for your honest response, Gnosis. I do not take lightly the fact that I am responsible for creating distrust in my R, my M. It just hurts so much that I have done everything I can to make up for it, to show that I am a different person, that I am sorry, and it still isn't enough.

bim