In shock...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think that was a great accident!

You certainly got his attention!

Fifty pounds in a year! You should be proud!

[Super Girl]

Congrats on the weight loss, PiGA.

[praying_in_GA]

I think that was a great accident!

You certainly got his attention!

Fifty pounds in a year! You should be proud!

I am VERY proud!! of course, the last 10 came off quickly as a result of his bomb...but it is staying off!! LOL!

I am going to a wedding in a month. He said he would still go with me if I wanted him to...the jury is out on that right now. BUT I am looking forward to dress shopping.

I WISH my head wasn't buried in a cabinet when he walked in so I could have seen his face! LOL!

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks SD!!! I read your stitch earlier. I am amazed at the strength you had so early on. I need some of that to rub off on me.

[Super Girl]

I'm not strong. I just knew I had to pull myself together for my kids. In some ways I think I have it a little easier than Britt. My kids are older, and they keep me going. They see and understand what is going on, so I have to keep it together for them.

[praying_in_GA]

So, I am reading other threads around here. I am seeing myself in a lot of them and I FINALLY see what you all have been saying. I feel like your advice is starting to sink in. I feel like I can say what you have been saying but I am so bad at doing it myself.

I read back over my own thread and WOW!! I have no control over myself right now. One min I am gung-ho, ready to go...the next I am depressed and ready to file for the D myself.

So, here I am, declaring to the community that I am ready and willing....I am re-commiting myself to MYSELF and my KIDS. HE will not control how I feel or how I live. He may not want to be with me and he may never come back to me, BUT one day someone will. It is time to work on me for me.

I know there will be bad days and sad days. I know there will be painful days, but I cannot let them control my life. Thank you all for sticking in here and waiting for me to get a grip.

[Super Girl]

Yay! At this point it isn't about him wanting you back. It's about you wanting HIM back. There is someone great out there for you. It might be him, and it might not...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Attawoman, PiGA!

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

Just some ramblings of my own...

Why is it SO easy for me to be upbeat and have a plan at work? As soon as I walk through the front door and see him any courage I had runs the other way. It's like he sucks the life outta me. I see him and I instantly think of what I am losing.

My step-Dad called me last night and said he has all the money I will need for an attorney. He wants me to get one on retainer as soon as I can. He said it is time to look in that direction. I feel like I am admitting defeat. I feel like I am stepping away from this M by doing this.

When he comes home to watch the kids he comes in the back door. When I leave it is by the front door. Same thing when he leaves and I come home. We are always going in the opposite directions.

Several people have said I need to stop fighting the D and tell him it is okay to file. They say his generosity (by paying the bills) will run out soon if I keep resisting it.

I want to go out with friends and prove to myself I am still desirable. I feel like I need to prove it to myself....especially with my recent weight loss. He has responded positively to the physical change, but he also left before I became happy with my loss.

He changed his password to his e-mail and his wireless carrier (same phone number). I don't think he has someone else, but all signs point to yes. I hope he doesn't but at the same time I know I should brace myself for the next foot to fall. Seems like something new is revealed each week so I figure I have a few days before number four hits.

Anyway, these are just ramblings so don't feel the need to respond. Just things I needed to get out and I can't go talking to family and friends.

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, and to explain some of my highs and lows you all are witnessing, you should know my schedule.

I work three nights a week from 7p-7a. The days after I work I come home to my two munchkins wide awake and ready for the day while I am dog tired and want to sleep. The nights I work I nap with the kids for 2 hours. I wake up at 3:30pm to shower and go to work. I get home the next morning at 7:30am. I do not go to sleep until 1pm when the kids nap again. So, I go around 22 or so hours with 2 hours of sleep. My lows generally coincide with the sleep deprivation days.

Another piece of our relationship breakdown, he works day shift 6 days a week from 8am-6pm.