UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[dtlewis]

Nell,

I am just catching up with your predicament. I have to agree that it's your motives and goals that make it a 'game' or real. Of course most of us here want to save our marriages. There are many good reasons why we should. But, one thing that DB makes clear is that we have to be in a place that we can give positive contributions to our relationships. Therefore, the GAL and keeping some detachment to get off the roller coaster where our emotions are tied to what our spouse does isn't a game. More like a sine qua non. Without this we are not going to experience the type of personal change that will allow us to have true happiness and build more stable relationships. Now if only I could do this as easy as I spout it.
The thing about WAS with MLC is that somehow we got to the place in our relationships that we didn't recognize the process and we weren't 'safe' enough for our spouse to trust. Granted, their perceptions are warped. That is were I am having trouble deciding what to change. My W has some valid complaints and some of her stuff is clearly hallucinations brought on by middle age crazies. But, which are which? I don't know about you but sometimes it is hard for me to tell. So all I can do is really look at my behaviors in relation to my values and change the behaviors that do not reflect what I want to be. If this makes me more attractive and 'safe' for her to invest her emotions in, great. If not, at least I am more centered.
As you tell me, time is on your side. ((((Eskimo Nell)))). There are a lot of people out here cheering for you and supporting you.

dtlewis