Still in the tunnel with hubby

[sandycay]

Sounds sooo familiar. My only advice would be the back way off your H right now. My H bolted on Monday with no notice. We ML that morning... but it was just Sex for him.

I think we would never have a problem in that area. We are quite attracted to each other that way. But it's not enough to sustain our M.

He has already seen a lawyer and everything. Anyway, your situation sounds very familiar and you are hyper focusing on your H... which I totally get. That makes them move further away. I am not saying however that if I had moved even further away that my marriage would have been saved. It's not savable at this point and a lot of that has to do with his verbal abuse of the children.... he takes out all of his frustrations on them, never on me.

[kjensen]

Sandycay-
Thanks for the thoughts/perspective. I do realize that I am overfocused on H. I think its my defense mechanism to try and figure out his next move before he springs another BOMB on me...but I need to just let that fear go. It'll happen or it won't and I know I'll survive whatever it is.

I am a little leery of distancing alot from H. I think if he feels alone and secluded(which often he does) that it seems to worsen his funk/depression. He didn't do well living alone(got suicidal). I'm trying to maintain a closeness of some sort(even just sex or holding hands) and walk away when things get tense or H seems touchy. Let the other junk slide off me like teflon.

Interesting note at lunch today. H started talking about his brother(who just had surgery today) and how H and he texted a bit yesterday and his brother just stopped...(this is what H does that drives me and the girls nuts!). H thought it was really rude! LOL

H also talked at lunch about being depressed as a child and never feeling anyone loved him. I validated that and said that seemed sad and must have hurt. He said it did but he's over that..(Is he really!?) and all this time he says the depression started in our marriage....Hmmmmm

Well at least he married someone who loves him and is good about saying it and showing it... see how far that'll get me.

[kjensen]

Update:
So went to communication class on Saturday. Went OK. Slight spat in middle of afternoon. There are obvious issues that surface during our communication and I'm not sure they'll go away before MLC resolves.

I still don't feel confident that H will not leave again...and maybe I shouldn't. Its hard to act "As if" he won't leave all of the time.

[kjensen]

Update on update:
I completely forgot about Friday night! I shouldn't have... H and I were home pretty much alone, as D14 was asleep upstairs exhausted...We were sitting at the table, drinking wine, listening to music and playing on the computer. It was like H was back. We were flirting and having fun, things were light and comfortable. D14 came downstairs and hung out with us. Then H says something snarky to me...so I went upstairs and didn't engage.

Later he comes upstairs and I'm acting as if he didn't say anything snarky...he's surprised and says he "hates that I act like nothing is wrong"... Now this was a 180 for me-, so H's response surprised me but I said I was OK and he seemed to forget about his comment too.

The next day was OK..we had the spat at lunch..but the afternoon improved and on the way home it was pretty comfortable.

Today, H was kind of bummed he'd wasted all morning waiting for a workman to come and fix something in the townhome. Usually this devolves into a rant about how I don't respect his job(self-employed)..b/c he's always the one staying home for things even though I always offer... No rant today but he was a little testy...can't tell if we're making real headway or if its a sane moment or lull within the craziness.

[kjensen]

OK- I'd like some advice/opinions.

For last 2 days H has been more distant, sleeping more. Saw some texting between him and his HS FB friend this morning-he hasn't mentionned texting her at all to me since it began. Its sporadic-not excessive and seems to be initiated often by her(she's twice divorced and I don't know her story/history).

My red flags are starting to go off, especially since I know they were emailing a bit on his email and he has changed the password and again not mentionned that to me and I haven't brought it up.

So my instinct is to ask him about the email password change. If I ask about the texts then he'll change that password and I won't have access.

Trust is obviously a big issue and although H took steps to help when moving back(like changing all of his and my passwords to the same one)..we seem to be going backwards there now.

I'm wondering if this is all part of the withdrawal stage and I should leave things be and let him be secretive. I'm wondering if I confront him if that will make him go back in the tunnel so to speak.

I'm not sure what to do, but obviously like everyone here, I don't want to be continually lied to....

[kjensen]

Update:

So the opportunity presented itself to ask H about changing his password...He said he wanted to see how long it would be before I realized he changed it...(like it was a test or something!) He said he'd change it back...When I told him why I tried it(so I wouldn't forward 4 school emails if he already got them too-b/c that ticks him off).he said, well you could've just asked and sounded kind of superior...kind of weird. we'll see if/when he changes it...

[Chel]

Hi kjensen,

Being I am going through MLC and my H at this juncture keeps telling me he is going to leave but hasn't since bomb drop in
May - it certainly has not meant that he intended to work on our M or that he does not intend to leave or D but it just has not happened. I have been told I have a clinger and someone who is looking for me to give him my blessing. However, I made the choice as you to stand for our marriage. I really think you would be greatly benefited by checking out this link. I have dealt with the phone counselors and have rec'd and continue to receive excellent advice on this board; however, I was given this link and I don't know what I do without her research and advise.

EDITED - ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.


My worry is because his OW dumped him he is not back home as I am sure you had hoped he would come home. I also agree that you need to let go and focus on you, the trip you mentioned and your girls. I envy your H is going to counseling, my H refuses. My dilemna is to either let him stay and MLC or kick him out. He keeps telling me he is going but has not to-date for months; however, I've been told he could go at any time. So I am also a nurterer and don't like him to hve too much down time so I plan activities. I am cycyling between doormat behavior asnd taying to take csre of myself first snd not react to H's moods. I am learning to enjoy the times he is normal but attach no meaning. I also agree with other posters ML is just sex for men, they separate the two.

The MLC journey is horrible and we hate to see them hurting, screwing up but I honestly believe there is not a magic phrase or action that will give them an ahha moment.

The best thing we can do is take care of what we have control over, ourselves. I KNOW IT SUX!

Hugs, Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs
Together 23 yrs
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers painfully sitting on kitchen table
ALL WE HAVE IN THE END IS OURSELVES SO LET'S LIKE OURSELVES, TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES

[Grace_O]

K,

Ok, you brought up the password and got an answer (of sorts). Let it go. also, IMO re: the school e-mails, if you send it more than once...so what. Oops. If he get's p!sed, he's got the same clothes to get glad in.

I do know how hard it is to let go of that. I know the looking for something, anything that will make them see. There isn't.

As far as if and when he could go, well it's really hard to live your life that way. It took my H 15 months to move out post bomb.

You can only do the best you can in any given moment.

As far as the lying goes, I really don't have anything to offer you there. I didn't have that problem when H was home (that I'm aware of, and I'm not one to go looking for it), so I don't know what I would really have done.

HUGS

[kjensen]

I understand lying is pretty universal for MLC and so is being secretive..maybe I should just not expect the trust to be rebuilt right now... seems premature given what I know. H's HS FB friend is texting him more frequently now-that kind of bugs me but I've said nothing..I'm just documenting the frequency for my own understanding of where H is in this...

D12 broke down last night and said she feels like H and I fight every night(this isn't my perception at all...its a blowup maybe once or twice a week..yelling only by H)..she hates that her dad is depressed and always blowing up. She would rather he moves out.

I wish in a way he would move out, but he can't afford it. I think it would worsen his depression and in a way hurt him beyond perhaps repair of this marriage. On the other had, the fact that he is home, although hard on the rest of us(and what MLCer isn't hard in some way on his family), but probably better for his mental health. Not sure about the marriage. I'm still here, standing, til I can no longer be.

[D Money]

K
Tread lightly because you may find what you're looking for. I must confess, I snooped yesterday and it hurts like he!!. I found a letter to OM #3. It was so puppy dog teenager bullsh it. If it wasn't my wife it would have been pretty funny.

The guy is married with 5 kids, roughly 15 years older than her. They've known each other for 5 weeks and she's saying how her luck is so bad because she found her perfect match but he's married. That she doesn't want to complicate his so she's "going to un-hitch my wagon from this horse and let him go." Yeah don't think that's actually happened.

So what I'm saying is you may find what you're looking for, but you may wish you didn't.

Please keep in mind I'm not saying your h is up to anything. I'm just trying to show you what may happen if you push or look for answers to those questions.