Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

Hope S feels better, and at least still more progress. It is good to see that H is starting to trust you again. As he gains trust, maybe he will be willing to let you help him or think about what you have said to go see a counselor. H seems to be understanding that his actions are wrong so that is a good sign.

If depression was the only problem, then I think it would be a lot better, but there is no going back until H gets his drinking under control because that is a safety issue.

Hope you have a good week!

[Lucky11too]

So another interesting night. H is sending me flirty texts and then says he wants to plan this romantic intimate night. Ok, sounds good, right, but no, we have been having intimacy for months now and it's not progressing anything. It's just him getting his cake and eating it too - sex with no commitment, no responsibility, no future. So, not to get into R talk, but just to set some boundaries, I told him that it sounded great, IF he was open to work on us. Then I get a "call me" text. Ug. So I call him and he tells me that he doesn't see us reconciling until he 'becomes a man' and gets his own sports bar (which I am against anyways, esp given his alcoholism) in a couple of years. And that he doesn't want me to feel like he's using me b/c he would never do that, that he doesn't want anyone else in that way, and that he's really attacted to me, blah blah blah. I just did a lot of "uh huhs" and "i understands". But then I just told him, I understand that you want to get to a point where you can provide for us, but I just want to know that you could see us in your future and can do things to work towards that direction. He tells me he can't commit to that b/c he doesn't want to say that and then change his mind tomorrow. Thanks H, that's my point! What do you do with this?

Well, I'm trying to keep the communication open with him, so that he will continue to trust me. What else has to happen for him to get help?! Unfortunately, I think he has to get his depression and alcoholism in order before we can go back together for safety. He has never ever lifted a finger towards me, but his depression has seemed to make him more violent and reactionary (ie, getting in all these bar fights), so there's a long way to go still. I just don't know if I have enough strength sometimes to get thru all this. There is just so much to overcome...

S is still super cranky. He went into 2 temper tamtrums this morning, which is not like him. He was pretty stuffy sounding, so it sounds like he's fighting another cold...

[Lucky11too]

Oh dear, I just messed up everything. I don't know if I can fix it this time. I'm sitting here wondering how I could have possibly let it get that far. So H texts and ask me to lunch. I'm thinking we are really making progress. We get there, he's in a good mood, hugs me. We start having lunch and then he tells me that Friday is OW's son's b-day and that he was taking our S. I hate H for this, but I have no legal say for him not to take him - he's not endangering S, just breaking my heart. He then proceeds to 'remind' me that's nothings going on btw them. Well, I don't care, I will never be able to get those emails out of my head. He had an inappropriate relationship with her, so I'm sorry they can't be friends anymore. Oh, can you believe he has the nerve to tell me that I pushed all of his friends aways before and now I'm trying to push his 'new friends' away.

To add to this, he said he's allowed to do this "b/c I left him" I didn't say anything to that at first, just sat there quiet. Finally, he gets me to tell him what I'm thinking about - how we are both responsible for our separation. Then we get into this terrible fight where he blames everything on me - "I gave you everything & you left me" and me "but you left me when I was pregnant/new mom" and on and on an on. Why did I take the other end of the rope? Why? He said so many hurtful things but the final point being, that he has too much resentment for me so we will never get back together. All our progress - gone in one lunch!

I'm so crushed right now. At work and can't stop crying. Not good.

[Lucky11too]

What do I do? Am I just being foolish in my hope? As misplaced as it is, he just has so much resentment...

[awest1217]

Don't worry. One lunch won't undo everything you have done. Everyone will make mistakes and after being pushed and pushed even the gentlest dog will bite. You can't expect to be pushed and not at times come back at it. It is ok and he will calm down and be back to normal in no time.

I can't believe H asked to take S to OW's house. Is OW married? If she was that would at least be a little comforting since it is her S's birthday, if not...I don't know what to tell you. Right now I am really dealing with that myself. Luckily H will never ask to take S anywhere himself. I ALWAYS initiate the visits, unless it is a doctor's appointment. If not for me initiating it, H would not see S. It completely sucks and sorry to say I don't have any positive thoughts here.

I hope S starts to feel better, and that you feel a little better later. H probably was trying to get into a fight because he hates that you set a boundary on the sex. I am proud of you for that, but he is responding to the new boundary and will get over it. He probably just wants to make you jealous because of the boundary. Don't take anything personal. You did the right thing. Yeah...it stinks that you gave in to the fight, but like I said above, you can only go so long.

Give it a few days, he will calm down.

[Lucky11too]

Nope, not married anymore. OW separated from her H about the time we separated, hence why OW "understands what he is going thru". Please. My H is the kind of jerk she left, so if anything, she should sympathize with me, not him! And what's scary to me too is that H has only had S maybe an hour at the most by himself and only sees him a few hours a week total. He doesn't know his tired cues, or his hungry cues, etc ...oh, I hate this so much. He sure has some nerve! I am so angry/hurt right now that I just want to go tell him off, but I won't, but at least I can vent here. I guess I go back to darkness again...and I was so enjoying all the contact that he's been initiating. I hope he can calm down - he sure as a lot of pent of anger and resentment!

Oh, I just have to share one more jem he said today. He said we would never get back together b/c I am not the kind of submissive wife he needs me to be (ok, i am a little overly independent, but look what he wants) b/c he should be able to go out and get drunk with his friends whenever he wants and for his wife to be completely ok with it. Yeah, good luck with that one...

[awest1217]

I swear I think your H and my H are from the same exact club, except mine does not drink. It is so weird! My H says the same about how he should be able to go out with his friends (he has only one and that is OW) without me bothering him about details. Give me a break! H also says how OW is the only one to understand him because she is also going through marital problems, and left her H and stayed with my H over the summer just like my H left me to stay with her in May. Crazy I know! The S part is the worst and I understand. H does not know what is best for S and with him drinking...I understand, but be assured he really wouldn't do anything to harm S. That really is the only comfort I can give. S is his son and although he doesn't always do what is best, he won't do anything to harm him, and if S is too much of a handful, I am sure he will bring him back early.

It is good you are not going to tell him off because you would regret that later, and as others have told me, give everything 24 hours to be sure you have cooled off enough and don't do anything harsh.

Sorry I know right now instead of encouraging you I am more helping you H bash. I will pray that you will find some peace tonight so you can get a good night's rest.

[Lucky11too]

Sorry I know right now instead of encouraging you I am more helping you H bash. I will pray that you will find some peace tonight so you can get a good night's rest.

Ha, don't worry about that. Sometimes in these hard times, that empathy goes a long way! So thanks for understanding and always trying to encourage me even when you're going thru a hard time too. =)

I am taking this whole pretty hard, but I know I need to stay with it even so. There's a lot more at stake if I don't. Thanks for that reminder - H loves S and will take care of him. He makes a lot of stupid decisions (taking S to this party is one of them. Grr) but he has always been good to S. Oh, what is with these H's. Don't they get that there is a different boundary when you make that commitment to be married. You can't just go out with your "friends" whenever you want to with no concern for your wife. Oh, and have you gotten the double standard line too about how they are allowed to go out with their 'friend' but don't even think about me going out with a guy friend. (I have set boundaries for myself that I wouldn't do that as a married woman, but still, stop with the double standard!) K, done H bashing. =P

Yes, must not contact H...say it again...must not contact H. Unfortunately it's my natural reaction to want to defend myself and he definitely kept pushing today until I broke, but I have been successful in not contacting him since to continue to defend myself (like I used to do). His attacks were unfair, twisted, and cruel, but it really does not do any good to fight him, especially when he honestly believes in his head that he did nothing wrong and I'm at complete fault (that dissidence theory). It's frustrating.

I'm thinking, and would you agree then, that it's best then just to sit tight then and let him make the next move? I guess we'll have to talk at some point. We still haven't talked about thanksgiving yet. His family invited me to their gathering, but at this point, I really don't feel like going or maybe I should so S can see his family. Since my family has their gathering in the afternoon and the in-laws at night, we have always done both. I don't think I should invite him to ours though for sure (he said quite a few mean things about my parents today during the fight). Decisions...

[Lucky11too]

Ok, just yell at me now, but I would like to tell H that I enjoy spending time with him but that I don't want to have this argument ever again (it's ironic that he used to complain that I always brought up R talk when we would go out and would just keep harping on a subject, but now he's the one. Such a switch-a-roo). We've had the "you left me" argument 100 times already (I know, my fault for taking the onther end of the rope.) Even when I haven't argued back, it still ruined the evening. This just can't continue. It's the catch 22 b/c it's good to spend time together to redevelop our relationship but it always goes back to this argument which takes us back 2 steps again. I really just need to lay low and let him think about everything that happened today, huh? I'm trying to think back today about exactly what I said. I think I made some good points but it seemed like he was so stuck in his resentment that he wasn't even hearing me. Well maybe sometime I could bring up that point, but I'm sure now isn't the time. Is there really anything that I could say to him that would be helpful? Grr. Just being a little impatient right now - just want to fix this mess.

Or maybe I just need to stop taking this so hard and remember to not believe anything that they say and only half of what they do ...hmmm, why is that the case again?

[awest1217]

I don't know if lately I completely agree with the last statement. I mean I understand when the spouse is saying mean things or doing something mean that you shouldn't believe it is all about you, but at the same time, there has to be something here right?

I understand the whole decisions thing. Like you said before, it is a chess game, and the wrong move could cost you a piece. I am just wondering what do you do when you only have your king left because right now that is how I feel.

I have said before, I admire you for sticking it out a year. I don't know if I can stick this out until April. You just keep doing what you have been because H is starting to come around. He is making baby steps and noticing that he is not doing what is right. Now just getting to the point where he will make changes...that is the key.

I hope you have a better day today!