He's moving out today

[allyg8r]

I have read DR - checking DB out from the library today. I read DR in between him dropping the bomb and our first MC session. Found it totally by happenstance. Then at MC, therapist handed us a print-out of the 5 Stages of Marriage. I giggled to myself and felt relieved that I had found someone who subscribed to what Michele says. H said he agreed with what she had to say BTW - another positive. He thinks we're in stage 2, I think we're bouncing between stages 2 and 3.

There is no OW. Based on his behavior the past 4-5 months - late nights out, acting cagey, always on his Crackberry - it certainly seems that way. But so far his stories check out (I did do a drive-by one night and cracked into his phone to read his texts). He really was at his friend's house and his texts were all work-related and boring. I haven't checked up on him again. I just don't get that gut feeling. It's small comfort, but our problems seem to be organic and not b/c he's brought someone else into our M. He's told our MC he has no interest in dating anyone while we work on our issues. He knows an OW is a deal-breaker for me.

When he dropped the bomb, he said he had been unhappy for 2 years, but just failed to tell me. The recent bad behavior has been him acting out b/c he's unhappy - that's when I thought the unhappiness started. He gets that our communication has broken down. I wish he had said something sooner.

I have a tendency to control. That if I perceive a problem, I come up with a solution on my own and let him know what it is. He put up with that for a while and it just ate away at him. He wants a democracy, not an autocracy. I'm ashamed at myself for doing that. It was unintentional. My PC said I'm solution-focused to a fault: I want a solution NOW and he doesn't get any input. But now that I realize that about myself, I can work towards changing that behavior. I have to slow down and work on finding a solution with him. It seems so simple and obvious, but when my PC told me that last week, I felt like it was a lightbulb moment.

We both also have to work on voicing our emotions. He's uncomfortable with emotion, so he keeps his bottled up. That in turn makes me bottle mine up and act like everything's fine. Then something happens and it all comes spewing out, leading to a huge fight that doesn't get forgiven or forgotten easily. We both have to work on being emotionally honest with each other.

My PC and mom have both been amazing. They've been my rocks throughout this ordeal. My mom went through a D at a young age before she met my dad, so she has a lot of insight. Her situation was much worse than mine and a D was definitely the best choice she could have made, but she supports me in trying to salvage my M and not walk away yet.

My H is definitely cake-eating right now. It's hard to tell how much of it is intentional (anger) and how much is him just being lost (incapable of effectively dealing with emotion). He's going to need to find that internal compass - and to forgive me for my past mistakes - before we can really work on "us" though. Hopefully the time and space of a separation makes that happen.