Is this the end of my marriage?

[sandi2]

FWIW, I do not agree with sending the letter to her family and close friends. This makes you appear desparate, vindictive, and controlling. What do you really expect from them? Do you think they will be in your corner supporting you? No, they will support their friend (your W) and their daughter (your W), but what you see as the M, they see simply as "you".

If you feel that the time is now to send the NC letter to your W, then do so. I simply wanted you to be sure that was what you wanted before you sent it.

[P17]

If you feel that the time is now to send the NC letter to your W, then do so. I simply wanted you to be sure that was what you wanted before you sent it.

It's not so much that I feel the time is now, it's more of I don't know what else to do. I don't see any other options available to me. All I want to do is save my M but in lieu of that I feel I need to save myself. If I had other options then I'd consider them but the table is empty as far as I can see.

[P17]

Final NC letter draft. Comments?

"

Dear W,

I am writing to you about our current situation.

I will no longer accept your A and continue to keep the truth quiet about the damage it has done to our marriage and our family.

By leaving, you have caused D to have anger and resentment. She needs time and space to understand her feelings and to heal over our family being torn apart.

I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconciliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors, I think.

I have asked IM to act as an intermediary between us. This will protect D and I from any unnecessary contact. You can either speak or text IM on ....

I have made many changes over the past few months and I'm determined to continue my growth into the best Father and man that I can be.

In the meantime, D and I must move on with our lives without you.

P17

"

I feel very emotional today and I thin it's because the day when the NC letter needs to be sent is imminent and it is upsetting me that I will never see W again.

Because of how I feel I really don't want to be making decisions today. Any comments or suggestions on the letter would be appreciated. I didn't want to add 'all my love' at the bottom as I thought that would kind of ruin the whole feeling of the letter.

I did also want to put something in there about the lessons we are teaching D (ie. it's okay to have an A as you can still get your cake and east it too - I want her to know there are consequences to your actions and you need to face up to them). Wasn't sure how quite to word it so I left it out.

Just to follow on from what I said to Sandi2 - if anybody has any other options for me, please let me know what they are! I see none ...

[P17]

How about this to add to the NC letter:

"
...

By leaving, you have caused D to have anger and resentment. She needs time and space to understand her feelings and to heal over our family being torn apart. She needs to understand the life lesson of how destructive an A can be to a marriage and a family.

...
"

?

[chatterbug]

Do not add that.

No contact is to the point. Carrot and stick. You have given a way back. You have given a way forward. She has a choice.



Remove
I have made many changes over the past few months and I'm determined to continue my growth into the best Father and man that I can be.

Now exposure. To the family and personal friends. What are you going to say? If you get along with the outlaws, do this face to face. Sometimes showing pain says more than words. Remember you are showing them you want to work on your failed marriage or move on.

Friends. Friends have to be really close. They also need to know that you do not want to have them in the middle. That you are asking them to help you through this difficult time. Set some boundaries here. If you know they are supporting the affair then are they really your friend?

You need to know that most friends will avoid this. But some will open up to you about their relationship issues. Make sure you always end these on a positive note.

Then you go mum on the whole issue. Only answer questions when asked. And always be positive in your expressions.

I would do all this on the same day. Get it over with.

She will come at you that night. She will call you over and over , text you and email you. She will push to see if you can be broken. She will be confused by your work that day. Since you have shown everyone love for your wife and to her you show detachment, carrot and stick.
Then she is going to get nasty. Real nasty. And she is going to be very vile to close friends.
What you need to do is keep with the " When you love someone as much as WAS you let them go experience their mistakes. That you had a choice of anger and bitterness or healing and you picked healing. That you hope one day your wife will heal as well. And that since you can no longer be there for them that you would hope your friend would off support. " Along those lines. You will be saying this a ton of times to friends when they ask away over the next few weeks. And always change the topic back to their lives and stuff going on in their world. It is a subtle action that people will pick up. You are not being selfish. You are caring. You are strong and have taken a strong moral stand. You realize that life is not just about you.
This will be noticed. And it will be opposite of WAS's communicaitons with people. She will be all about her choices in life, how horrible you have been, how she is entitled to her 'true love in life' .... IT will be all her , her , her.
This is a very effective weapon for you to wield. But use it wisely.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How about this to add to the NC letter:

"
...

By leaving, you have caused D to have anger and resentment. She needs time and space to understand her feelings and to heal over our family being torn apart. She needs to understand the life lesson of how destructive an A can be to a marriage and a family.


P,

You're still trying to "teach" her. You can't teach an adulterer.

You're also coming across as beating her over the head with her affair. Not productive.

Puppy
...
"

?

[P17]

Okay, new draft:

"
Dear W,

I am writing to you about our current situation.

I will no longer stand by and accept your A and pretend that we are still a loving happy family.

I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconciliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors, I think.

I have asked IM to act as an intermediary between us. This will protect D and I from any unnecessary contact. You can either speak or text IM on ....

In the meantime, D and I must move on with our lives without you.

P17
"

Comments or even any other options?

My plan at the moment (and I don't want to make any plans because of how I feel) is to do this next week. That is when the current 'scheduled' dates runs out with my D (the 23rd is the last day planned).

[P17]

No contact is to the point. Carrot and stick.

I don't think I understood when the carrot and stick was to be used though. Was it just for when W talks to me? Surely the point of no contact is that she WON'T speak to me or will speak to me through IM.

Now exposure. To the family and personal friends. What are you going to say?

You know what, I haven't got a clue. Most family and friends know about it. The problem is that all know nonsense. Her family are pretty entrenched against me from what I understand so I think it would actually be of detriment to me AND them if I contacted them. I was going to work on extended family (it's a big family but close) and friends. Was thinking of contacting her best friend who was always praising me to W (you have a good man there, you and P are very lucky etc.). I know that she will report everything I say to her back to W but that could be used to my advantage - she is a nice girl and would probably listen to me.

What to say .. not sure. I was just going to be loving, supportive and caring ...

Friends. Friends have to be really close. They also need to know that you do not want to have them in the middle. That you are asking them to help you through this difficult time. Set some boundaries here. If you know they are supporting the affair then are they really your friend?

Do they have any choice though? We have no mutual friends. She has her's, I have mine.

She will come at you that night. She will call you over and over , text you and email you. She will push to see if you can be broken. She will be confused by your work that day. Since you have shown everyone love for your wife and to her you show detachment, carrot and stick.

No she won't. She will not say a thing about it. That I guarantee you. I already contacted one of OM's friends to let them know what he was doing and I heard nothing about that.

Then she is going to get nasty. Real nasty. And she is going to be very vile to close friends.

She's not. She will say nothing to me and just get on with her life.

What you need to do is keep with the " When you love someone as much as WAS you let them go experience their mistakes. That you had a choice of anger and bitterness or healing and you picked healing. That you hope one day your wife will heal as well. And that since you can no longer be there for them that you would hope your friend would off support. " Along those lines. You will be saying this a ton of times to friends when they ask away over the next few weeks.

Nobody. And I mean NOBODY has asked me yet what happened. Nobody either cares or are too embarassed to ask. I was in the supermarket where she works tonight and while I got a hello from one member of her staff, another DELIBERATELY looked away as I walked past! This is what people do ... they ignore. Nobody wants to know.

And always change the topic back to their lives and stuff going on in their world. It is a subtle action that people will pick up. You are not being selfish. You are caring. You are strong and have taken a strong moral stand. You realize that life is not just about you.

I can do that, if asked.

This will be noticed. And it will be opposite of WAS's communicaitons with people. She will be all about her choices in life, how horrible you have been, how she is entitled to her 'true love in life' .... IT will be all her , her , her.
This is a very effective weapon for you to wield. But use it wisely.

The impression I get (and I have no evidence just putting 2 and 2 together) is that people have already started to realise her cr*p was just that. There is dissent in the W camp and I think it will quickly spread. The sun no longer shines from her backside.

This could be one of the reason people avoid my view in the shop now - they are embarrassed for what she has done to me and they are embarrassed that maybe they supported her and her stories for such a long time. Maybe not. I don't know.

D said tonight that anybody who is not a friend of Daddy is not a friend of hers! She did say she would be sad if she didn't see W again though but this can't go on forever.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

[quote=P17
My reply wasnt meant to come across as that. It is one of the reasons I hate texts. I already said to W to call me rather than text. She did it twice and then has gone back to texts. No more texts from me - calls only. Have left a vm asking W to do the same.

I was just trying to be civil and to the point with the text.

This is something that does cause me issues though. Being nice, caring and loving (read needy, weak and clingy) has helped to get me to this stage. All I want to do now is be civil and factual. [/quote]

One of the nice things about texts and e-mails is that you DON'T have to respond right away, unlike a phone call where you are on the spot with the other person and on the receiving end of their emotional state. Compose a draft, and then put it away. Go back in an hour. Read it out loud.

Being nice, caring and loving DOES NOT equal needy, weak and clingy. If you can get yourself detached and are feeling strong and confident in yourself and where you are in your life, you can be kind and loving without coming across as weak or needy. Think how you would behave toward a neighbor who had an illness or physical disability.

Also, seems to me that you keep expecting her to act logically, and every one of her actions and statements can be taken at face value. They don't work that way.

[P17]

One of the nice things about texts and e-mails is that you DON'T have to respond right away, unlike a phone call where you are on the spot with the other person and on the receiving end of their emotional state. Compose a draft, and then put it away. Go back in an hour. Read it out loud.

I suppose. That's a point that I never thought about!

The reason I hate them though is that they are often misinterpreted.

Being nice, caring and loving DOES NOT equal needy, weak and clingy. If you can get yourself detached and are feeling strong and confident in yourself and where you are in your life, you can be kind and loving without coming across as weak or needy. Think how you would behave toward a neighbor who had an illness or physical disability.

I'm not detached or where I need to be in life. I do try to fake it though. Doesn't always work.

Detachment will hopefully come when I start NC.

I don't think she took my text in the way that we are talking though. I do act nice, caring and loving towards my W, or at least I think I do. I have had my moments though.

Also, seems to me that you keep expecting her to act logically, and every one of her actions and statements can be taken at face value. They don't work that way.

You're right I do. At least where D is concerned. I just cannot get my head around this situation with D and how she can be attentive to what she wants but at the same time know she has destroyed our marriage and family (assuming of course she does know that).