For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Just thought I'd update. I'm in a much better place right now. Went out, had a lil fun, didn't get wild or crazy and NO calls or texts or anything to H.

Yep...once, my head is on straight and I'm thinking clearly, I'm quite sane (believe it or not). lol

[gucci loafer]

Well, that is what you get when you "bluff" and get called on it.

You have made a classic mistake. You were TRYING to make him jealous by throwing it out there that you are going to see other people. That is ridiculous. OF COURSE he is going to tell you to go ahead. Why? He KNOWS you don't mean it. He KNOWS and feels you are just saying that to make him jealous.


Your answer is to CALL his bluff on your bluff. When a BS starts socially interacting the most effective thing to do is to NOT say anything to the WS. You don't TELL them you are doing it, you just do it. Any person that has ever played poker has at one time or another bluffed. When the opponent calls their bluff, should the first person who bluffed just throw in their hand? That is what you did. What if the first person who bluffed actually HAD the better hand? Well the one who bluffed is in for a big surprise isn't he? He wasn't worried when he called your original bluff because he had studied you and knew your game so well that he sensed that he knew when you bluff.

Play the hand out here and call his bluff by doing exactly what you warned him about. You won't know your answer until the hand is played out. You are wanting to throw your cards in too soon because you are believing his bluff means you will lose the hand. NOT TRUE.


Why are you being so transparent? I wish I could tell you how many times I have seen a BS say to the WS."How would you feel if I started seeing someone?" It is a cheeseless tunnel. ESPECIALLY when the WS has OW....


Your answer here is to SHOW him by doing. NO TALK. ACTION.
Not to make him jealous, but to show him you ARE moving on. That isn't done with words and bluffs and threats. It is done by doing.

CALL his bluff with action. Neither one of you will know how he is going to feell UNTIL he has to face the reality. The thing that wakes them up isn't you seeing other people, but thinking that your thoughts and feelings have SWITCHED to someone new. A specific person that he senses has taken over your thoughts.


Stop trying to control this. Just keep going out and having fun and interacting with people. Stop trying to plan and trying to get a reaction from him. Go out and meet others and just have fun and let things open up on their own.

[CityGirl]

But...when you've sat for 16 months (13 of which H has been gone), hoping, praying, pleading, talking, crying, worried, stressed out, broken hearted, feeling hopeless and horrible bc your DD might be a victim of divorce, you tend to get emotionally charged and do some stupid crap!

I understand you are in a dark place, we have all been there but you really do sound like you are playing the victim card for all it's worth. I have been in "this place" for TWENTY ONE months and my H has been gone for 20 of them. You are not the only LBS to feel broken hearted, betrayed and hopeless. Many of us here, myself included, have gone through this process while battling chronic and incurable illness. We have suffered financial ruin and legal battles that are nothing short of horrifying WHILE dealing with our WAS and their affairs and the general BS all WAS are so versed at dishing out.

[CityGirl]

Sorry, I had to continue a new post. For some reason when I try and quote or bold any portion of a post the screen jumps all over the place.

If you have been in this situation for over a year don't you think it might be time to try something different? Early on we are all emotionally charged and do stupid crap. Now though you should start to handle things in a different way for you and your child.

It's difficult to try and offer advice when it seems there are only certain things you want to hear. As you know, as a group we can see and process things in a different way as we have no emotional attachment to your H or your marriage. So while what we say to you might not *feel* helpful instead of pointing out how unhelpful it is, why not sit on for a day then go back and read it again when you are in a better frame of mind.

Nobody here is out to get you, attack you or make you feel worse. We are here to support you BUT that support needs to be more than hugs and hand holding.

You are not a victim. I am not a victim. The circumstances are far from ideal but we do have some power and control and as women, we *have* to choose to use it.

Are you seeing a C?

[Gardener]

Courts
Pls go see SpyBunny even if you don't know her whole sitch. Needs help.

[Mystik]

Hi Courts, just wanted to out myself as a lurker. I see some similarities in our situations, and have been following your story for a couple weeks. I'm the same as you, sane when my head is screwed on straight but get me to an emotional bad place and I'm just a mess.

[Gardener]

If you have been in this situation for over a year don't you think it might be time to try something different?

I agree. In other words, how's your approach been working out for you?

[courts0818]

Well, I think we can all see my approach hasn't been working. That's pretty darn obvious (esp. after yesterday's drama).

When I was plowing full steam ahead, focused on me, I was def heading in the right direction and I think I was getting his attention at least a teeny weeny bit.

IDK what's up with me - yesteday I was a hot head, today I've been a weepy bag of emotions.

I need some time to clear my head, do some praying and connecting with God and then I need to read over everything that's been posted and re-evaluate things.

I've really been a mess since seeing OW's name in his email. Time to buck up, suck it, and devise my new game plan. I can see how I was having a pity party for myself (and that's hard not do bc it all seems so unfair).

I get very wrapped in things bc we have a beautiful, sweet, silly, adorable, lovable, amazing little 3 yr old and I want the best for her, for me and for H. In my heart, I still believe the best for us is being together. Sometimes desperation to keep us together leads me to do some stupid things. Why I thought my bsing last night was going to be helpful - well, I'm not even sure. My head was filled with a different kind of delusional fog (different than the fog that has filled up my H's head, but a fog nonetheless).

I think it's a bit nutty how I can be swearing like a sailor one second, filled with rage the next and then curled up in a ball crying like a baby. WTH????

What a roller coaster ride this is.

Got some sadness to work through tonight, but I need to point my feet in the right direction and take the right steps. Probably gonna need some help knowing what those steps should be, but I'm not down and out just yet.

Probably gonna shed some more tears tonight, but it's okay. It's a healing process.

What a flippin whirlwind of emotions. Jeepers...

I've got a crazy schedule this week, which might a good thing. Let's hope I'm too busy to do something stupid. lol
Just kidding - I've let it go, no more beating myself up.

All in all...after everything that has been dumped on me, overall I'm pretty proud of how I've done. I'm def proud of how I've continued to be a great mom to my awesome DD even when our world was cracking right under our feet.

What a work in progress I am. : )

[bluerain]

You should get a punching bag. Just picture H's face and have at it! The work out would be good for your body and mind!

People call this a roller coaster quite accurately! Let yourself have the emotions, you are right, its a process.

And you know, if you arent a work in progress, what are you? All done and perfect? Thats no fun.

[Steve McQueen]

I was playing games (bluffing) with H tonight, it backfired and he pretty much told me it's fine if I date. He doesn't seem to give a rat's behind.

yep.

first things first. you start dating or you plan on dating you never tell anyone. never admit to an affair. if you are questioned about it by your spouse you always admit to one level less than what is really going on. Thats what puppy is going to tell them you are doing when they start posting on this site. If you plan on using the jealousy button, you better do it right.

Remember, YOU ARE JUST FRIENDS. You are only supporting them and talking with them about their relationship issues. You are an ear and a friend.

Second thing, you need to get your emotions in check. some people take anti-depressants. some people start exercising. some people go to counselling. do what works for you. however, until you get out of panic mode and can begin to relax about the situation your emotions will control your thinking and you will not function nor act effectively.

I have some very strong opinions on what to do when someone you love dumps you, but for now i think its best to go read a few threads to get your bearings before I suggest anything. Take a look at redsoxfan and sumguy27 for starters.