She doesn't want to be a W, she just wants a H, on HER terms. So, she wants the benefits of being M'd, but not any obligation/responsibility that goes along with that.
Careful, I think that is a bit of a one sided way of thinking.
First, let's separate the benefits of being M'd from being in an intimate, loving R.
We are BOTH benefiting from being M'd right now. She get's financial support, nice living arrangements, the ability to project the image to the outside world that she is M'd, assistance raising her kids. I get someone to raise my kids full time so that I can have a career, the ability to project the image to the outside world that she is M'd, help with the house, someone who pays the bills reliably, social interaction, home-cooked meals, etc.
So I think she is fulfilling all of her "obligations" as far as the partnership we have together. I think we are both frustrated and unhappy with the Romantic part of our relationship, but but are each hesitant to leave a marriage partnership that is functioning well.
It's only the romantic relationship that is cold and separate, and Wifey is right - I don't anyone playing a romantic role for me out of obligation or duty.
Yes I WANT, but what I want is for her to CHOOSE to be with me. as SP pointed out a while ago, if "Love is a Choice" then it has to be a CHOICE.
and I can't make it for her.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/16/0904:30 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
GIMA & Thinker, Trying to put in words the benefits of going thru your "desert" experience. Your core hurt/wound, longing for connection and loneliness are all the same thing in a way. We are looking for another person to heal us, connect with us and make us feel alive. It's scary to be alone, especially in a emotional and spiritual way. What you are doing though is a kind of fasting. The things you think you need to live you can live without.
After being in the military and deploying, does food seem as big of a deal - it's energy. Someone serves me a meal they prepared, it's appreciated by me. Sleep is another thing, you learn to sleep wherever and whenever you can. Don't need a bed, the lights out, or quiet.
You have all you need, you are stronger than you think, and your are able to heal yourself. Read up on "the dark night of the soul." You both are on this journey for a reason.
Cheers
Cheers
Thanks Coach. And you are right.
I have kept repeating something my step-father told me when my mom D'd him (big mistake, b/c he's a great guy). And that was we men think we need a woman. But, we simply don't.
I will read up on the dark night of the soul.
And, I would love to know what the reason is for this journey. But, I have faith that will be revealed to me when the time is right.
What you are doing though is a kind of fasting. The things you think you need to live you can live without.
This puts words to what I have been thinking for the past few weeks. I don't want to rush into a D right now and I don't want to rush to find someone else. I want to fast for a while.
...and it helps to remind myself that the REASON I am hungry is that I DECIDED to fast.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
She doesn't want to be a W, she just wants a H, on HER terms. So, she wants the benefits of being M'd, but not any obligation/responsibility that goes along with that.
Careful, I think that is a bit of a one sided way of thinking.
First, let's separate the benefits of being M'd from being in an intimate, loving R.
We are BOTH benefiting from being M'd right now. She get's financial support, nice living arrangements, the ability to project the image to the outside world that she is M'd, assistance raising her kids. I get someone to raise my kids full time so that I can have a career, the ability to project the image to the outside world that she is M'd, help with the house, someone who pays the bills reliably, social interaction, home-cooked meals, etc.
So I think she is fulfilling all of her "obligations" as far as the partnership we have together. I think we are both frustrated and unhappy with the Romantic part of our relationship, but but are each hesitant to leave a marriage partnership that is functioning well.
It's only the romantic relationship that is cold and separate, and Wifey is right - I don't anyone playing a romantic role for me out of obligation or duty.
Yes I WANT, but what I want is for her to CHOOSE to be with me. as SP pointed out a while ago, if "Love is a Choice" then it has to be a CHOICE.
and I can't make it for her.
So, then the question really is whether we are willing to accept/tolerate a M of convenience. Neither party gets any intimacy, but each gets a partnership in handling life. Nothing more, nothing less. And if that is what our M's have become, then is there any willingness to move that M back to an initimate R?
I certainly appreciate my W doing the things you listed in support of the partnership. I do. But, I WANT more. And I say "more," but it's really what I perceive as a happy, "normal" M. And that is NOT "MORE." If my W is not capable of that, then there's no way our M will survive b/c I do not want a partnership.
the difference is only your point of view and what you make of the situation.
Good point. Dovetails nicely with only controlling what I can truly control.
Victims don't have a choice, life happens to them. Leaders survey the situation, decide the best course of action and move forward.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
HIJACKING COACH for GREEK Coach, I replied to a post of Greek's on my thread. Reply included a question with an (obvious??) answer. I bumped it up last night @9:51. Question/conundrum highlighted in blue, Greek's (and your) thoughts requested.
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Woke up at 1:45 in the morning LIVID at the things Mrs. T was saying and doing. I couldn't fathom that things had gone this far, this bad, and this quickly. I was shocked and reacting very badly...
...and then I realized that I had been dreaming it all!
It took me a few minutes for my brain to convince my emotions that it had indeed been just a dream and I could stand down and go back to sleep.
---
I guess it shows how attached I still am.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/17/0902:16 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Woke up at 1:45 in the morning LIVID at the things Mrs. T was saying and doing. I couldn't fathom that things had gone this far, this bad, and this quickly. I was shocked and reacting very badly...
...and then I realized that I had been dreaming it all!
It took me a few minutes for my brain to convince my emotions that it had indeed been just a dream and I could stand down and go back to sleep.
---
I guess it shows how attached I still am.
Don't know. But, I suspect it just shows where your thoughts are right now. It's been a while since I had one of these dreams, but I've had them too. And they seem VERY lifelike.
Just have to shake it off, cuss your subconscious, and try to forget about it.
