Here is a question for the DB posters. At my C appointment and telephone coaching, the C says do what works--ie gets a positive response from my H. Should I be texting him? For example should I text him: "Son said he really enjoyed birthday dinner last night with us said he enjoyed being together as a family. I had a good time too" OR should I not contact? The thing that makes it even harder is that C told both of us at our intensive that H does not (and has not for many years in our M) give me true feedback--just says what he thinks I want to hear, not what he feels so how do I even know what is working or annoying to him? Everyone keeps saying "you know your H best" but I feel like I dont know him at all. I wonder if one text message from me every few days would serve as a reminder of his family among the 8-10 they send each other ?
BNA,
I've read, and re-read, the above three times, and I can't see anything in there that is evidence that such text messaging has "worked" before?
In the absence of any evidence, I would advise NO to the texting, as it's:
a) "Pursuit"; and
b) Enables H to "normalize" things (as in "See? Son and wife are all 'ok' with this. I knew they would be.")
btw, I also think another common mistake that DBers make is now they define what "works." They define it as "what minimizes tension," or "what elicits a 'nice' response from my WAS," etc.
What "works" should be "What seems to draw me closer to my stated goals," and/or "what seems to cause WAS to not continue some undesireable (for me) behavior," such as taking steps toward divorce, or continuing an affair, etc.
