I don't really recall doing anything in particular except walking away with no intentions of getting back together. He did all the pursuing. What I did do was hang out with a mutual male friend A LOT. And this friend had a major crush on me since before I met my H...his intentions were more than just friends but nothing happened between us. H thought otherwise. Around this time, H also hit on one of my GF through emails. She ended up forwarding most of it to me and still have a hard copy of it. He wrote to her that he started to develop feeling towards her and that he fell out of love with me long time ago. In a separate letter to me when he wanted to get back together, he stated he wrote to her out of spite because I was seeing a lot of our mutual friend. Never really bought it. Overall, I think he was really motivated by the thought of other men pursuing me.
In general, I make a point to say good night to H and give him a kiss goodnight (nothing more passionate than what you give your grandma). If he goes to bed first, he never seeks me out.
How is that working for you?
I flip flop between making an effort to say good night with a kiss vs. just going to bed without a word. I've done both. I feel better when I make an effort. Maybe it is part of me craving some type of physical contact between us.
I don't really recall doing anything in particular except walking away with no intentions of getting back together. He did all the pursuing. What I did do was hang out with a mutual male friend A LOT. And this friend had a major crush on me since before I met my H...his intentions were more than just friends but nothing happened between us. H thought otherwise.
One of the tenets of DBing is doing what works. This worked.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I don't think I can duplicate what I did in 2001 now. Different circumstances. I quit my job last year to be a SAHM to 2 kids, we both own the house, car, etc.... Last time, I only had to look out for myself. I had moved in with him so it was easy to just walk out with only my personal possessions.
Pearl - you are right. I am scared. I don't feel like I am in the right place to do it yet. I need to get my stuff in order. So if I replicate what I did before...wouldn't I be acting as a WAS? (have not read the books yet...waiting for my mail still)
Puppy - You are pretty sure there is a OW. I am one of those people that need hard evidence. With all his logged time on the computer, EA is so plausible. I have been mulling over a keylogger and I am pretty sure I would not be able to install it. H has both linux and windows and he sets them up with admin/users accounts with pswds. Unless I can hack his pswds, don't think I can do it. And I have noticed this weekend, his cell phone has not left his side, tucked in his back pocket, mowing the grass, walking the dog, it goes with him everywhere.
And he is back in the spare bedroom again for the last 2 nights. What is the deal with that? I don't understand his bed hopping. I messes with my mind. But I do sleep in the middle of the bed now so when he does sleep with me, he has hardly any room.
And just an fyi... my 1st marriage, his 2nd marriage.
And I have noticed this weekend, his cell phone has not left his side, tucked in his back pocket, mowing the grass, walking the dog, it goes with him everywhere.
That's OK. A wayward will eventually let their guard down, make no mistake. But you have to be PREPARED for it. You know what they say -- "Luck is what happens when Preparation meets Opportunity."
My wife also kept wiping her cellphone -- call log and TMs -- a couple of times every day, and also kept the phone with her (or near her) 24/7, it seemed.
I also noticed, that NOW THAT SHE FELT CONFIDENT THAT SHE HAD IT WITH HER ALL THE TIME, she no longer locked it.
So I began to study her habits/patterns every day. And I noticed that every morning, she woke up before I did, came downstairs, put on her shoes, and went outside to get the paper (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time, me in the master BR and her upstairs in our daughter's old room).
I also noticed (made a beeline/"dry run" up there one morning when she went out to get the paper) that she kept her phone up there after she woke up, near her "bed" (a sleeping bag on the furniture-less room floor), charging, and UNLOCKED.
I quickly set the phone back down where I had found it, and slipped downstairs back into my bed. But I had my plan.
I went online and got a .pdf of her cellphone instructions, as I knew I wouldn't have much time with it, and would have to use that time quickly and wisely, and couldn't afford to be stumbling around with the buttons (I was totally unfamiliar with her phone). I studied the owners manual until I knew the navigation for call log and especially TEXT MESSAGES, frontwards and back. I waited for my opportunity, making sure to begin CLOSING MY BEDROOM DOOR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WENT TO BED (I hadn't previously; had left it open a crack).
This I did for a week or two.
One morning, after a night where she had gone to bed early and I KNEW she was text messaging up there in her room, I pretended like I was asleep, and waited for her to go out and get the newspaper. When she did, I bolted up out of bed, left my bedroom, and shut the door the way behind me. I ran upstairs, went into her bedroom, and quietly closed the door behind me. There, next to her sleeping bag, was her cellphone, unlocked.
I spent the next 5 minutes looking at more than I needed to know, or that I wanted to see. Lots of "ILYs" and "no one does it for me like you do's" (this after she claimed the affair was over, and they were "just friends" again). Made sure to check both a few Sent Items and a few INbox, to make sure this wasn't a one-sided affair.
It wasn't.
I laid the phone back down, and came out of her bedroom and into our upstairs game room, and just went on the family computer for about 10-15 minutes. She was now downstairs, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, just as she always did.
After awhile, I came down the stairs, and gave her a cheery "G'morning!"
She looked like she had seen a ghost, and the poor girl probably wet herself.
"W-w-what are you doing up?" she stammered.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep -- just went on the computer for a little bit," I answered.
"What's wrong with your laptop?" she asked, worried. (I rarely used the family computer upstairs)
"Oh, nothing," I purposely said briefly. "I"m gonna get in the shower; you need anything out of there?"
"No," she said, obviously worried shitless.
I knew all I needed to know, and it was GOOD that I knew it, because no more than 4-5 days later, she tried to gaslight me about not having any feelings for this OM. At that point, I said "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now. I saw your text messages the other morning, so you can sell that to someone who's buying."
Puppy - You are pretty sure there is a OW. I am one of those people that need hard evidence. With all his logged time on the computer, EA is so plausible. I have been mulling over a keylogger and I am pretty sure I would not be able to install it. H has both linux and windows and he sets them up with admin/users accounts with pswds. Unless I can hack his pswds, don't think I can do it.
This is not a family computer -- one that you both have regular access to?
