yes, I am clear that I am doing this to myself - not intentionally, but it is still me. W is not doing anything other than steadfastly holding to a position and acting accordingly. It's my mental departures from the reality of the sitch that cause the pain.
But here's the rub in your sitch (and to some extent, mine, to a lesser degree). Your W's "position" is not to make a decision. It's I don't want to be your W unless there is something I need - whether that's babysitting or that she needs to project the image to the outside world that she is still M'd. She doesn't want to be a W, she just wants a H, on HER terms. So, she wants the benefits of being M'd, but not any obligation/responsibility that goes along with that.
