If you are going to stick to your stated position, you probably may as well D now. There almost CERTAINLY will be more contact between H and OW. These things happen. There will be sputters. There will be a bit more OW drama before it truly goes to zero contact moving forward. So, don't set yourself up for failure by making that a make or break deal.
Also, H has almost CERTAINLY been having sex with OW. People LIE about these things. He has NOT told you everything with this first round of disclosure, he has disclosed probably as much as he needed to to feel like he could live with himself, but less than everything because (1) he can't fully face himself and (2) he does not think you would still give him another chance if you knew everything. There is MORE that will come out. None of this means that he isn't sincere in his efforts to heal your M. It is simply that he is human. Humans LIE about things that they can't face in themselves and they LIE to protect themselves from too great a loss. As more is disclosed in the future, this will actually mean that he is trusting you more and feeling even more pressure to do the right thing by you. So, when you find out another hurtful thing, keep in mind that it is a sign of growing intimacy and growing fidelity/loyalty. At some point, it may be helpful to offer him a clean slate but ask him to clear the air of EVERYTHING he's been keeping from you. But, the offer would need to be sincere. And, he still probably wouldn't be able to think of EVERYTHING at that time. Again, we hide from ourselves.
So, if you are going to get past the As, you are going to have to accept that it will be a bumpy road. CHOOSE to ride it, CHOOSE to accept that you are exposing yourself to more hurts for your OWN reasons. You do the cost/benefit analysis.
Get STD tests, HIV now and in six months. Practice only safe sex. Not optional. H has been having sexual interactions with OW. Given they have been together in person, these interactions almost certainly involve both virtual and non-virtual sexual activity. Men cheating on their wives are notoriously poor at reporting this, or the extent of cheating, or exactly what went on. They will deny sex if it was "just oral." They will deny intercourse if they used a condom because they'll think there is no risk. They will deny intercourse without a condom because they already know it was idiotic and especially hurtful to expose their Ws to OWs possible STDs.
Finally, you've both had As. If you are going to move forward, full transparency on BOTH your parts is called for. Share all email accounts, all passwords, all cell phone records. Account for all of your time. BOTH of you. Keep computer time PUBLIC. Complete transparency. The computer gaming needs to stop if it is online interactive. Or, you both need to play it together at the same time. Maybe it would be helpful for H to identify all the times he feels like he is cheating/sneaking around on you so that you can both avoid them. My guess is that he is probably romancing/sexting women online in the games, so that is my concern with the games.
Hang in there. At least you can now believe us when we say that his withdrawal and flip-flop behavior is about HIM, not you. It is his response to the guilt/shame he feels when he cheats on you in some way. Rather than feeling the guilt/shame, he instead projects his bad feelings in a distorted way and decides that you are the one to really blame.
You are doing great! Maybe he can go see Hallowell with you :-)
