can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

I do think he will think "I deserve this!" He did put up with a lot of nothing for a very long time. I don't have a problem with him feeling smug and feeling like he has earned my pursuing him.

And you are right, he is a conflict avoider, so I don't think he would 'choose.' I think the affair ends or not on it's own. I don't think he would give up the sweet hot loving thing now to engage in work with me. Why work hard when it is easy now?

But I don't know how to "shine a light" on the marriage if I don't even initiate little contacts. My "hope" was that by making gestures of openness, he would know that I am willing to forgive--should he ever ask for forgiveness!

Boundaries? Well, of course it would have to be that the affair was over.

I guess I trying to find the small gestures that let him know that he is loved, pursued, would be welcomed back, etc., even as that makes him smug. I don't know about his losing respect for me in doing that. I would have to think about that. Though, of course, having the affair and walking out is the ultimate sign of no respect!

Do you have thoughts on the "hard boundaries" that worked with "win them back?"

Do you have suggestions on "shining light" on the R? especially with no contact?

Realize I have been GAL, not asking for much (aside from early on asking for counseling), being cheerful, since he walked out. Things aren't changing, so doing more of the same is beginning to feel like...more of the same...

I feel like a subtle change...something small but open from me..would be different.

I'm not trying to argue--I am trying to think this through, so thank you for helping me!