My marriage was one that was marked by long-term SSM issues. I didn't feel wanted, sexually, and although I never strayed, I did feel tempted from time to time as my resentment and my sense of entitlement built up from my wife's lack of affection towards me.
It's hard for me to think about this hypothetically, but if I DID use those reasons as a justification to stray? And my wife tried to "win me back"? I'd probably just feel real smug, lose a little more respect for her, and let her pursue me, and I'd enjoy the attention of two women, thinking "I deserve this . . . I put up with nothing for a long time."
And I DAMNED sure wouldn't then make any sort of a decision, one way or another, as I am (like most humans!) a conflict-avoider, path-of-least-resistance kind of guy, so why would I choose, if I didn't have to??
And speaking as a student of affairs for 5 years, studying hundreds (if not thousands) of them, I have personally never seen the "try to win them back" thing work -- UNLESS you accompany it with hard boundaries.
I believe you have to "shine a light back towards the marriage" thru loving detachment, and a stated willingness to forgive, all the while GALing and doing your own thing and letting them know "I will not live in an open marriage," and taking a very aggressive stance toward the affair.
That may not be the pure DB catechism, but my observation has been that that's what has the highest chance of success. "Wanting to be pursued" and having that be the HEALTHIST thing for me to GET, to me, are two separate issues.
