I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

Hmm..I was a little high on my horse last night when I posted that. I still am basing my feelings too much on what he does.

Get in the queue. I still do the same thing. My happiness is based on my W's unhappiness at the moment. When I hear how badly things are going or how people thing that it will never last (and bear in mind I don't actually know what's going on - this is just people's opinions) then I feel happier. When I think about him and her or how much fun they may be having, I get down. This is the stage I'm in today.

What you are doing is natural so don't beat yourself up about. All the vets on here have been through it. All the newbies are going through it (me included).

Last night he went back to the basement. It hurts me more now than it did to begin with. Why does this all have to be his way or the high way..

Maybe it's because it's the only thin he actually feels any control over - his life? He also probably went to the basement precisely because he knew it would hurt you. The solution to that is to not show you are hurting ... FAKE IT. If he went down there, offer to bring the blankets / sheets etc. down. Offer to make his bed down there ... show him you don't care if he goes down there at all. Make a comment about how it will be great to get the bed to yourself as you like to starfish and you're really tired.

why is he not considering anyone elses feelings..mine..the kids

Because that's just what they do. If you show compassion and understanding for other peoples feelings then you need to open your heart a little to be able to do that. If you open your heart, you open yourself and you become vulnerable. He won't do that.

( he continues to say d does not hurt the children..they are too young to remember, 5 and almost 2)

I think Britt54 replied to that best. It does hurt kids regardless of their age. He is just saying that so he doesn't have to face up to it. It's script.

We honestly do not have that bad of a marriage now.

I thought the same. I think all BS's probably do. However the difference for me was that I said to my W that I thought our M was 9/10 and she said she thought a 7/10 - now for me, 7/10 is still a bl**dy good M that deserves fighting for. I don't know whether she was simply saying that to spare my feelings but considering the way she said and the complete disregard for my feelings anyway, I don't see it.

What you have to see though as that WAS's, from my limited experience on here, seem to like to delude themselves that the M is fine and there are no problems. I just have seen it as a trait. They hate talking about the real problems and love throwing the towel in far too early than actually working on the problems. Again, it's a trait (or maybe a personality flaw). Some WAS's wake up and realise what they have done and change. Some don't. The ones that don't will continue to have the same problems in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP until they meet somebody who can fill whatever strange need they have.

Really..except for the fact that he says he cannot trust me or I will never be someone he can talk to..whatever the HELL that means. I dont know..I just know I am not sure how much more I can put up with..he does still control my moods very much!

Remember we spoke about the 'can't trust you' stuff above. Just ignore it.

My opinion of this is keep the H in the basement and try and get space from him. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to detach from somebody who is still living with you.