can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

Avermont here again--the one with the 23 year R, WA bf in affair. Problems in the R that led to the affair where lack of intimacy (phys and emotional); lack of communication; my holding back on expressing my true feelings of love and committment.

So I am still wrestling with the proper 180. He is happily ensconced in affair; we have almost no contact. DB coach Laurie suggested I do a "90" if you will.

Guys--if you had always wanted more expressions of love, devotion, committment, etc. from your partner; finally gave up and left for an affair--wouldn't you want to feel pursued? Wouldn't it just convince you that you were right all along--she never really cared about me--if all you saw was her out GAL, living in the house, seeming OK?

I'm not talking about sending flowers and saying ILY and come back. I'm suggesting a "90" degree turn in our R would be for me to make contact--little, occasional emails about common interests--light hearted and all, but enough to show that he IS wanted? IS needed? all the things that he wasn't getting from me before? Although he is happy in the affair, can it be bad for him to know that I do miss him, I am thinking about him?

I am just afraid that he feels totally justified in leaving if I look and act totally capable and "not caring."

Thoughts on gentle pursuing? It would be the opposite of our 23 years, where in he was the pursuer, and I held back.