It has been along time since i have posted. I have been following so many on the boards for the last few months. But know I am in need of some advice. Here is my challenge.... W acknowledged all the chnages i have made over the last 8 months. Said I am an amazing dad, sexy and have a great body, I am doing such an awesome job keeping up the house and taking great care of the kids while she is gone for school all week...BUT... she is not attracked to me. She needs to get help with issues she has with X,Y,Z.
She left the room and came back and we hugged for about 5 minutes. That hadnt happened in more than 3 months.
So how do you build attraction? It sounds stupid to ask but...we live in seperate rooms...rarely see eachother, do not sit near eachother, do not touch eachother but on rare occassion, W doesnt even wash her clothes with ours. I have been follwoing coach, greek, sandie, GIMA, gardner, puppy and the likes...any advice is appreciated.
A little background. This was the culmination of 2 very crazy weeks. Wife saw an online dating site in my computer history and went crazy...saying that "you dont want this relationship anymore" and "you are where I am now". It took her more than a week to acknowledge seeing the website. During that week she went form being ice cold to me to nice. Doing laundry, making coffee for me, talking to me and brining me into some of what she was doing at her school. On The day of acknowledgement our very good friends who are going through a S/D as well "blew up" and the cops were called. The acknowledgement came after picking up the kids & W from the other household and bringing them to our house.
A little background. This was the culmination of 2 very crazy weeks. Wife saw an online dating site in my computer history and went crazy...saying that "you dont want this relationship anymore" and "you are where I am now". It took her more than a week to acknowledge seeing the website. During that week she went form being ice cold to me to nice. Doing laundry, making coffee for me, talking to me and brining me into some of what she was doing at her school.
Depends on the kind of person you are right now with her.
Do you kiss her ass constantly, act like a wuss with no backbone, generally smile, and eat platefuls of crap just so that she'll stay with you and not leave you?
That kills attraction.
If she went crazy seeing a dating website in your computer history and then said things like:
"you dont want this relationship anymore"
and
"you are where I am now"
Think about what that says. When she got the idea that maybe you were moving on, all of a sudden you became interesting to her again.
Also when she said "you are where I am now", find out if she is been on a dating website, is she seeing other people/dating?
You could ask her but she would probably lie to you and get angry.
She needs to get help with issues she has with X,Y,Z.
Explain "X,Y,Z."
Originally Posted By: Changes
Wife saw an online dating site in my computer history and went crazy...saying that "you dont want this relationship anymore" and "you are where I am now".
Robz... Thanks for the post. I guess there is a degree of being too close and seeing it like someone can from outside the sitch.
Lately I don't take crap. I let it be known when I don't like something that is happening. I am sure there are quite a few things I do take. I have noiced that I do things to save my kids from disappointment from W. That is an area I noticed and have started to work on correcting.
The comment about being "where she is" is about not wanting the marriage to continue. Eg. My dating website forray...
SQ. Thanks . XYZ. Issues dealing with... Her mother and trying to get her attention etc. Her father and his abuse of her older brother and sisters, his drinking, his smoking and his subsequent demise from smoking, her dislike for my parents and everything that has to do with them. She was seeking a counselor as she has not found one she likes.
Reference is to us being at the same point of not wanting the marriage that way we cam divorce. Do I think she has a BF... I have thought so based on her weird behavoir. Disappearing always going to run errands and it taking hours. But she set me straight tonight... She leaves bc I am here and she doesn't want to be here with me.
One thing keeps coming up with my W. She is so certain I do not want her anymore or our marriage.
Did I do detachment wrong? I took a step back over the last few days and did a lot of thinking. I am not sure what to make of what I came up with. Have I become a WAS?
I have no attachment to a spouse I am feeling good about my self I do not worry about my spouse I went to a dating site to gaze into the sea of fish
my only difference is I haven't walked out on my responsibilities. I do take care of my kids, the house, the shopping, paying bills, laundry, going to work etc etc.
One thing keeps coming up with my W. She is so certain I do not want her anymore or our marriage.
Did I do detachment wrong? I took a step back over the last few days and did a lot of thinking. I am not sure what to make of what I came up with. Have I become a WAS?
I have no attachment to a spouse I am feeling good about my self I do not worry about my spouse I went to a dating site to gaze into the sea of fish
my only difference is I haven't walked out on my responsibilities. I do take care of my kids, the house, the shopping, paying bills, laundry, going to work etc etc.
SQ. Thanks . XYZ. Issues dealing with... Her mother and trying to get her attention etc. Her father and his abuse of her older brother and sisters, his drinking, his smoking and his subsequent demise from smoking, her dislike for my parents and everything that has to do with them. She was seeking a counselor as she has not found one she likes.
Reference is to us being at the same point of not wanting the marriage that way we cam divorce. Do I think she has a BF... I have thought so based on her weird behavoir. Disappearing always going to run errands and it taking hours. But she set me straight tonight... She leaves bc I am here and she doesn't want to be here with me.
So what makes you thinks she doesn't see another man on the side? Because she set you straight? And you believed her? She tells you she doesn't want to be there with you and she's spending alot of time outside the home, she apparently has alot of errands to run ;-)
One thing keeps coming up with my W. She is so certain I do not want her anymore or our marriage.
Did I do detachment wrong? I took a step back over the last few days and did a lot of thinking. I am not sure what to make of what I came up with. Have I become a WAS?
I have no attachment to a spouse I am feeling good about my self I do not worry about my spouse I went to a dating site to gaze into the sea of fish
my only difference is I haven't walked out on my responsibilities. I do take care of my kids, the house, the shopping, paying bills, laundry, going to work etc etc.
But it is a little unnerving.
She's mindreading now too? Or is she projecting her feelings on to you and making it seem like you want the same thing so that she feels better about what she's doing, ie. her "errands"
Yep. Seperate rooms. We hugged for the first timein 3 months last weekend. Had a better than average week. And when that happens, I believe that cognative dissonance sets in. This then causes her to swing 180 to the other side of nice towards me. This vicious circle is directly tied to W stress level. School stress causes her to have anxiety, causes her to lose focus and then she needs a stress release and someone to blame if she does poorly on the test, me. It has happened twice.
We have been doing things as a family, dinner, lunch, movies, tv nite etc. Weekends mostly whenever she is around. I do things with the kids theday she is not in study group. She said last night she wants to have alone time with the kids on the weekends, everyother.
