Having a rough morning - strong connection yearnings in what I know to be my witching hour - 6-7 am. Got up and went to the gym just to get out of there.
Yesterday was just too d@mn normal - early morning family breakfast at a diner, church (together) errunds, ouitdoor activities, cubscouts, dinner and TV with Mrs. T after the boys were in bed.
It was hard to head off to our separate bedrooms.(Although I do enjoy the privacy and sleep better) This is the kind of day when I forget what is in her mind and begin living in my own fantasy reality. (Only to get snapped back).
Fighting to stay detached.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/16/0912:43 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I think you did/are doing great. Detached. Mysterious, and, yes, "Just the facts, Ma'am." Being everything you should be but "husbandly." Too much info, perhaps. Where'd you go? Out. Couple of drinks with a friend .
She doesn't like mysterious. She is threatened and seems a bit pursuing. "If it does not pertain to kids, house, finances, I don't owe you any answers or explanations." perhaps?
Keep Going.
"
One word answer Thinker: "Where did you go for 3 hours?" Out.
If she asks again, out.
And you are smiling, happy, content, and it will bother her. I loved that you answered without considering her feelings.
You listed the reasons why you like her. Great. Use them as motivation and be MORE mysterious, not less. She is only in control if you let her be. Control is an illusion. Neither one of you are in control and neither one of you should be.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
So it is as GIMA and I have been discussing...it seems that while you are there, being a loving and supportive spouse, they don't want you. They just want you to leave....but if you walk away, they start to panic.
Yeah, it's a real brain-twister. Weird, weird WAS-logic: Availability=undesirability; unavailability=desirability
And as you note this morning, it simply pretzel-twists our LBS brains even more, because desirability is, well, desirable:
Quote:
Having a rough morning - strong connection yearnings...Got up and went to the gym just to get out of there....Fighting to stay detached.
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't. Not really. It gets more familiar, and so in that sense easier to do, but not easier to experience. Which is, in a way, a good thing -- I mean, it at least reaffirms that what you felt and experienced during the Happy Time was real.
When WAW Herself and I were at the parent-teacher last Friday, she crossed her legs -- bare, as always -- and her pump sort-of slipped off her heel. I was nearly overcome with the urge to simply run my index finger down the back of her calf, under her heel, and along the arch of her foot. Powerful sensation -- half-listening to The Boy's teacher, I could nearly feel what it (would have) felt like. Wow. And here I've been dead for 6 months or more and living la vida Miss Someone since August.
Fortunately we're at each other's throats again, so that feeling has passed, LOL.
Having a rough morning - strong connection yearnings in what I know to be my witching hour - 6-7 am. Got up and went to the gym just to get out of there.
Yesterday was just too d@mn normal - early morning family breakfast at a diner, church (together) errunds, ouitdoor activities, cubscouts, dinner and TV with Mrs. T after the boys were in bed.
It was hard to head off to our separate bedrooms.(Although I do enjoy the privacy and sleep better) This is the kind of day when I forget what is in her mind and begin living in my own fantasy reality. (Only to get snapped back).
Fighting to stay detached.
You know what helped me to finally detach, Thinker? I realized that I didn't want my H to do what I wanted him to do. I wanted him to freely choose to be with me, or not. To freely be around, conversing with me, having fun, caring about me, or not. I didn't want him to fake it.
I deserve to be loved and cared for. I'm not in control and neither is he. He can choose to be with me, I can choose to be with him - OR NOT! It has to be natural, it has to be what we both want.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I was nearly overcome with the urge to simply run my index finger down the back of her calf, under her heel, and along the arch of her foot. Powerful sensation -- half-listening to The Boy's teacher, I could nearly feel what it (would have) felt like. Wow...
You nailed it with this description SP. The "urge to connect" isn't a direct sex drive, but it is definitely sexual. This morning the urge was from knowing that she was in the house and in another room and also warm and half asleep - I had to fight off the urge to join her in her bed for a bit before we both had to get up.
As Wifey said, I have no desire to have her do something she doesn't want to do, or to be there if I am not desired. None at all. That's what kept me out of the room.
When I focus on reality and continuously remind myself of the things she has said and the ways she has acted, then I am detached - no control, just let her go do whatever she wants to do.
It's when things seem too "normal" and I start fantasizing on the "what if's" - mentally "running my finger over her calf" - that I lose my detachment.
SP, you ended with
Quote:
Fortunately we're at each other's throats again, so that feeling has passed, LOL.
Well, we're not fighting. Except for our love life / sex life, there is nothing in our M that we are fighting about - and as long as I stay detached that stays a cold war.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/16/0903:28 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yep. Maybe it's a certain piece of clothing I see in her room that reminds me of something about her I miss. Maybe a picture, whatever. Can be any number of triggers. But, here, we are talking about W's behavior (or more accurately, our perception of that behavior) that seems to be the trigger.
And, it's not an overwhelming, uncontrollable desire. But more of a confusingly, low grade ache. Confusion from the feelings we are lulled into (by ourselves mind you) by WAS' actions that transport us to a more "normal" and familiar place. Then, something happens (for me, it is when she goes to a seprate bedroom) that brings the stark reality back into focus. This is NOT a daily or nightly occurrence, but it does happen.
And it is not that I am taking myself to THAT place. It's a result of what I unknowingly at the time perceive as a normal R. I don't allow it to happen, it just happens. Then, the reality.
yes, I am clear that I am doing this to myself - not intentionally, but it is still me. W is not doing anything other than steadfastly holding to a position and acting accordingly. It's my mental departures from the reality of the sitch that cause the pain.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/16/0903:40 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
yes, I am clear that I am doing this to myself - not intentionally, but it is still me. W is not doing anything other than steadfastly holding to a position and acting accordingly. It's my mental departures from the reality of the sitch that cause the pain.
But here's the rub in your sitch (and to some extent, mine, to a lesser degree). Your W's "position" is not to make a decision. It's I don't want to be your W unless there is something I need - whether that's babysitting or that she needs to project the image to the outside world that she is still M'd. She doesn't want to be a W, she just wants a H, on HER terms. So, she wants the benefits of being M'd, but not any obligation/responsibility that goes along with that.
GIMA & Thinker, Trying to put in words the benefits of going thru your "desert" experience. Your core hurt/wound, longing for connection and loneliness are all the same thing in a way. We are looking for another person to heal us, connect with us and make us feel alive. It's scary to be alone, especially in a emotional and spiritual way. What you are doing though is a kind of fasting. The things you think you need to live you can live without.
After being in the military and deploying, does food seem as big of a deal - it's energy. Someone serves me a meal they prepared, it's appreciated by me. Sleep is another thing, you learn to sleep wherever and whenever you can. Don't need a bed, the lights out, or quiet.
You have all you need, you are stronger than you think, and your are able to heal yourself. Read up on "the dark night of the soul." You both are on this journey for a reason.
Cheers
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
