Right here is where you show how little you understand about detachment. Even if you were D'd, if your feelings are still there, you will only change the feelings of hopelessness to feelings of resentment and eventual hatred. And that's something your daughters don't need.
This is my problem as well. I'm GALing and trying to detach but just can't seem to get there. I'm considering counseling to see if there's some deep-seated issues making me hold on so tightly.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I am not really sure what the connection is about praying and being patient AND filing for a D. Just because you file for a D doesn't mean you still can't pray and be patient. You will need patience with your W/exW for a very long time as the two of you will always be co-parents no matter what your legal marital status may be.
I have to agree with the other poster (Kerry I think). A priest has never been married in the sense that you and I have. Being married to the Church or God is much different as EVERYBODY follows the same "code", the support and belief system is the same and their are certain rules that are never broken. I am simply stating facts and not make judgements.
Of course nobody WANTS to be divorced and I am not one to suggest throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble in a marriage. And I agree with you that divorce should be the absolute very last option but I am not so sure all this moral judgement has to be attached to the act of dissolving a marriage.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts a marriage simply cannot be rebuilt. If you can go to sleep each night knowing you handled the separation, the DB'ing, the detachment and the entire process in the best way possible then you are ready to D.
You simply have to be prepared NOT to consider your W's feelings, emotions or reactions at all. This D is for YOU and the betterment of YOUR life as your W has made it clear she has no desire to be part of your life as a W.
Just to open a dialogue and perhaps get you thinking in a new way, what exactly can't you take anymore? I am not asking to be snarky, I am really just wondering your thoughts.
If you are at total peace with this decision then the actual act of filing for a D (aside from talking to your children about it which should involve their C) then it actually shouldn't be that hard of a step to take.
I'm not sure why you have to tell the girls anything at this point. As you say, your w ended the m, you are merely formalizing it. What's to tell? And no, I am not telling you what you should or should not do re: your m. As a Catholic, I know your dilemma and that none of us can say what we'd put up with or for how long, etc. Even div your w doesn't mean things won't ultimately work out. Imho, the only chance you have of getting anywhere with her, little as it MAY be, is by moving on, whatever that means.
If this last post of yours sticks with you and you don't revert back to black and white thinking/judging, then you have indeed learned something valuable.
I wish the priest had been more helpful. I found one who was and that did ease my mind, along with the inner knowledge & conviction that God does indeed want us to be happy. He does not want us to suffer endlessly when another person makes bad choices. But it is up to US to not let other's choices decide our fate, and it is up to us to determine our own happiness levels.
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I just don't know what to say. You and only you can decide if you are, indeed, done. Is it just too hard, too painful, easier to give up - or are you really sure it won't ever work out? YES, she is a miserable b*tch to you, awful in every way. But are you truly done?
Are you accepting or giving up?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Kevin, I agree with 25 as far as telling the girls, and also like Wifey said are you sure you are truly done? IMO I don't think that you are, and I just hope that you really think before you act.
So how are you feeling this Monday? Do you have any sort of legal paperwork in place like a legal separation? If your really done get the D, if not then protect yourself legally and just get a legal separation.
When my exh left the first time I went and saw our priest. I am no longer Catholic, but was going for exh even though he was far from a practicing Catholic. Anyway, his advice was to protect myself legally, but let him walk if he is gonna walk. God did not want me hanging on exh's leg. Exh, like your W, chose to leave the M. If she is committing adultery then you have every reason within the church to file for D....if that is what YOU want. Don't do it as some knee jerk reaction or to get a desired reaction out of her.
Hang in there.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
My BIL went and had dinner with W last night. I opted out. Apparently they talked about me for about 45 minutes. My BIL said that W didn't say anything negative about me. He said he also felt like he couldn't get anywhere with her when he asked her what it would take to work things out. Apparently she said that she wants to see me be able to make my own decisions and that she wants to be able to trust me. He said the conversation wasn't really positive or negative. It just was.
How am I supposed to be able to build trust with her if she wants nothing to do with me?
I was ready to file and move on. Now I am wondering if I should hold off a little more. My BIL said he doesn't know if she was wearing a mask during the coversation because he knows what she has done and said to me.
I don't know whether there is any reason to hope or not.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I really wish you would keep family out of it. It will do no good at all. This is between you and your W and that is it. You might think its okay or not causing more damage but it is.
What you seem to NOT realize is it works both ways. She wants to be able to trust you but YOU also need to be able to trust her and see her changes are true and real.
I am simply telling you what I would do in this situation. I would wait a week or two and then talk to your W and keep it very brief and leave the ball in her court.
I would say "W, I understand trust is an issue for BOTH of us however I feel its no longer productive for me or the children to live in a situation with such loose parameters. I have given this quite a bit of thought over the past few weeks and I know I must move forward with or without you. If your desire is not to work on our marriage then I feel its best *I* proceed with a divorce and focus all our energies on being good co-parents"
I might even go as far as to say that you have retained counsel and had papers drawn up but you wanted to give her a bit of time to think about it before you went ahead and filed and had her served. Don't give her too much time, let her know you have given your attny permission to execute the papers on xx day.
I think the talk your W had with your BIL gave you some false hope. You already knew she found your inability to make decisions unattractive therefore making you unsuitable in her eyes as a life partner. Plus, your W wasn't going to bash you or divulge too much info to your BIL.
You still need to make many changes but so does she. She might never acknowledge that therefore any piecing the two of you do would not work.
Don't use the D as a "threat" though. Just let her know where you are at and what you plan to do to move forward.
I really wish you would keep family out of it. It will do no good at all. This is between you and your W and that is it. You might think its okay or not causing more damage but it is.
CG, he wanted to go do dinner with her. I told him I wasn't going to go. He told me about the conversation later.
His view is that he was the best man at our wedding and it is his job to try and pull the M back together.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kevin, so what if he wanted to go to dinner with her? I find it stunning that you have not stood up for yourself and told your family if they choose to spend time with your W then ANY discussion about the marriage is off limits. And if they don't follow what you have requested and try and tell you about any conversation they had w/your W you should be saying "I think I made myself pretty clear that I do not want anybody involved in this situation and I have no desire to hear about any conversation that was had".
Who cares what his view is about being the best man at your wedding and him feeling its "his job" to try and pull the M back together. That sounds stone cold crazy and quite frankly rather manipulating IMO.
If he feels so strongly about that being "his job" then he should have called up your W prior to dinner and said "W, as the best man at your wedding I feel its my job to try and pull the marriage of you and Kevin back together". You think she still would have gone?
You make excuses for this crazy behavior. Why are you so afraid to set boundaries with all the people in your life? Can you help us understand?
Your BIL can have any view he likes but it gives him NO RIGHT to impose it on you, your W or YOUR marriage. That is the biggest bit of BS I have heard in a while and trust me when I say I have heard tons from my H as of late.
