Thank you Saffie and Lotus for continued support. Yes the holidays are going to be very very hard. And no, the OW's family is going to have a fine holiday as they know nothing. She is waiting for my H to decide. Right now leading her double life and having to be home every night and at least parts of the weekend limits her alone time access to my H to 2-3 hours at at time plus the all day at work (where no one knows or pretends to notknow".
I think she has a pretty clear and honest picture of the "lay of the land" in our home. Although I have now stopped blaming myself completely for how empty and routine our M was, I definitely was depressing, negative, up until my 180 in January 09 when he came to me so unhappy. Even then, though I started to do things he liked, plan things, cook more --we still had trouble with communication and just enjoying each others company. Unlike your situation, we did not have a bright, happy home after work with lots of kids around to make us laugh and busy. I think some (a little) of our problems were also dealing with being emptynesters and his coming home to an empty house as I was working a lot at night and of course her and his hours matched up perfectly.
Last night we had a very pleasant birthday dinner with our 22 year old son-laughing and telling stories at the restaurant. Son came back to my house at 9 pm to watch a movie and we invited my H but he wanted to go back to his apartment to get to bed early for work. Both of us were disappointed he didnt come back but I am trying not to read too much into it. I took extra care and time dressing nice and a little sexy, little extra eye makeup. One of the things that really scares me and hurts is my H just doesnt seem to look at me much anymore. I have lost 40 pds in the last year and look very slim but when I walked back to our table he didnt even look up. For the first time yesterday in a long time, he helped me with my coat but he still forgets to open doors or pull out chairs like he used to do all the time.
Here is a question for the DB posters. At my C appointment and telephone coaching, the C says do what works--ie gets a positive response from my H. Should I be texting him? For example should I text him: "Son said he really enjoyed birthday dinner last night with us said he enjoyed being together as a family. I had a good time too" OR should I not contact? The thing that makes it even harder is that C told both of us at our intensive that H does not (and has not for many years in our M) give me true feedback--just says what he thinks I want to hear, not what he feels so how do I even know what is working or annoying to him? Everyone keeps saying "you know your H best" but I feel like I dont know him at all. I wonder if one text message from me every few days would serve as a reminder of his family among the 8-10 they send each other ?
