Counseling conundrums

[Dudess]

My atty thought I should mention it up front and present a total separation agreement to H when I tell him. Admittedly, he doesn't know all the background just yet. I don't have the proposal ready yet- I think I've been stalling and afraid to think about it. So maybe I don't need to in its totality? I should leave, and let the atty present it?

IMO, it s a VERY, VERY, bad idea to present that to him while you are still living with him. In fact, please do not even tell him you are leaving until you have the lease signed and have taken steps to insure he does not take all the money out of joint accounts, (like by removing your half for example) BEFORE you tell him. I think the closer to your move date the better. Deal with any settlement proposals AFTER you are out of the house.

I know you don't expect him to react in a violent way, but you haven't told him you are leaving him before either and he is abusive. You need to be ready for anything. Even nice people can get kinda nuts when they learn their spouse is leaving.

It is normal to second guess yourself. Divorce is a big step. I will tell you that it is very rare to see someone on the DB board get so little support to save a marriage, and so much encouragement to leave, as I have seen in your situation. I think that's because his abuse is so blatant and obvious to us. Unlike you, we have not been subjected to his manipulation over the years. It can skew your sense of reality.

[motherof3]

Hi SB,

I don't know your full sitch (just read the last couple of pages of posts). I did want to chime in and say that I completely agree with Breakaway, Lost Rabbit, and Gardener. Do not present your plan to H until a) the timing is right, especially for you; b) you have signed the lease; and c)you have some type of support network lined up to physically stop by and check in with you.

I will be praying for you.

[TrentC]

I got a quick catch-up on your situation, and you look like you are getting very good advice:

Bunny, if he doesn't know the background, then you are getting general advice for a "normal" situation. You are NOT IN a normal situation. You are with an abuser. Your attorney has to be informed about this. Your H is not going to suddenly stop manipulating after you leave the house.

Indeed. You are in an emotionally (and very likely physically) abusive relationship. Your lawyer needs to know this.

Any discussion of child support, divorce, etc. should be done ONLY through your lawyers. Do not give him a chance to manipulate you.

And I echo the calls for some kind of physical support network -- someone who can call or drop by on a regular basis. You are being very brave by walking away, but you are also putting yourself in danger; abusers and manipulators don't like it when their victims try to leave.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Bunny))))))

I'm glad you are going to wait. I think it would really be best not to tell him until you can physically leave right thenThe thought of him spending days or weeks "working" you after you tell him really worries me.

I don't think he's going to go physical, though you never know. I have no doubt that he will pile on the emotional abuse.

[brownidmom]

(((Bunny)))

Although I have lurked in your sitch, I don't know everything. Gardener let me know that you needed some support, so here I am. Please listen to everyone who is telling you to wait to tell your H until the lease is signed and you are ready to go. Because of your description of the passive-agressive violence and his need for you so he can be with other women, I am fearful for your safety.

GIMA said to tell your attorney everything; so if you haven't already done so, please do. And have your escape plan ready just in case.

You will be in my prayers.

bim

[courts0818]

Hi Bunny,
I don't know everything that you are going through (I just checked out the last 5 pages or so). But...I totally agree with others. At this point, you have to be concerned with your own safety. You just never know how he's going to react. It's quite apparent that your H not only wants, but feels it's his right to control everything. You are taking the control away from him and he's not going to like it. So, you have to be smart and protect yourself.

Hold tight and don't say anything until that lease is signed and you are 100% sure that you have your own place. And please create a safety net for yourself through family, friends, co-workers and so forth.

I also agree that you need to tell your lawyer everything. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable, but this is about getting you everything you deserve and about keeping you safe.

You are very strong and brave. You can do this.

Thinking about you! Hugs!

[rockedworld]

((((Bunny))))
I don't know the full details of your sitch either, but I agree 100% with the advice you are getting here from your DB family. Please, please put your own well being and safety first. You are stronger than you know. You will do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Abuse wears many faces, and when they are not physical it can be difficult to detect. Please pay attention when so many of us who are looking at your sitch from an outside perspective see the same things. Sometimes when you are living in a sitch for so long you can't see it yourself.

We are here for you. I will pop in from time to time so keep us updated.
Rocked

[The Wifey]

Hi SpyBunny. Think Safety first. You do not tell him, warn him, talk numbers or anything like that. He has been physically, sexually and emotionally abusive to you. Get your apartment, get your stuff moved when he is out and leave him the name and number of your attorney to break the news.

It is not right for him to drop his pants and expect service, f*ck other women, put it in while you are asleep, and for him to tell you the problems are you.

Get out. Get out now. Bug the landlady instead of waiting for her. And do NOT tell him where you are going. It won't be easy, but you must do this for your safety.

[Serenity13]

((((Bunny))))

Gardener sent me and I see you are well covered on advice so I will be the voice of courage -

1 Corinthians 16:13 - Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

You can do this Bunny, we are behind you 100%

[The Wifey]

And remember, I am only 3-4 hours away, not currently working, and I would be happy to come and help you for a weekend. You are not alone once you become a part of the DB family.