The big thing is to live your life and be happy. If you want to keep open an area to possibly get back with X, then that is up to you and you should not feel bad doing it. Be happy and GAL, but do what will make you happy, and not anyone else. You can't control what X does, but you can control you and your happiness.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Of course it would be great to have a 2nd chance at a relationship with the X, my D's mom.
What did I do to cause the X leave? Excellent question. What did I do or did I not do to make her want to leave...???
Sometimes I think I know, but it all appears to be somewhat of a guess. Never a single item of cause. I was working too much. I am in the reserves, work and was rehabbing a couple of houses when the X was pregnant. After the birth of D, I still had way too much on my plate, but did the best I could to manage it all.
The X may have had some postpardom depression and needed me around. I should have been there more for her. I was trying to fit everything in and trying to take care of her as well. Whenever I had to leave for any reason while X was needing someone to be there, I had my mom or her mom come over to be with her. Never just left her alone. Looking back I should have been there and should have been able to talk with x more about how I felt about her. I guess I let her down in that regard.
Instead of understanding what I had going on and talking calmly to me, the X prob felt like I did not care and lashed out at me and saying some unloving stuff. Looking back I think it was all bc she was hurt, but I took it as she was being very unloving to me too.
I kind of pulled back and withdrew. She said she was going to sell the condo we were in. I thought she would cool off after a little while and we could manage things and discuss things a bit more. I did not want to argue with her and she went with it and it sold very quickly W/n a month or so. Before we knew it, it was sold and we were out of there. She told me two wks after we moved out we were through.
Our D was only six months old. I tried to see her as much as they would allow. Her family made me stay in their house with them to visit my D. All along I felt very unwanted in there. They would ignore you, act like they did not hear you talking, talk around you. They would ostracise you for laying around on the floor while playing with my infant daughter. When they finally did talk to you, they made you feel like crap. It was a verbally abusive environment. They did what they could to try and bring you down and do what they wanted.
X mentioned in counseling that I put one of the houses I was working on before my family. So I failed to make the X feel like I cared enough while we were together (IMO). After we physically split she has been very unlogical and unreasonable since. We have been in the courts and seems to have been a battle all along. The X has been extremely verbally abusive the entire time.
I am not an expert, and am pretty new to this, but I feel I have learned a hell of allot in 2 months. I though I would share some of it with you and see if it helps.
I went to IC today and it helped give me some perspective. I would definitely recommend it.
When my W dropped the bomb I did not understand why, looked for reasons, blamed situations, blamed her, felt resentment etc.
This week I started to really look inside and seeing what I had been doing. I realized that my actions to try and stop the bomb where exactly what had caused her to become a WAW.
I am still in serious pain, but I do now see what I did to get the R to where it is. It does help me to now this because it gives me a starting point on what I need to change for myself.
I think a starting point is realizing that you are not a victim and taking responsibility for your self.
M: 30 W: 32 Married: 9 years s: 2.8 Bomb dropped: 7-10-09 same house, bed, no physical contact My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1871805&page=1
Not doing a great job DB'n. Need some reassurance that this works and encouragement to do it..
counter-intuitive behavior
think of it this way. if you spent the time you spend and depressing about and worrying over your relationship problems on celebrating and reassuring yourself, you would be much further ahead in life.
I agree.. Trying to stay in the right mindset. Leave the X alone, don't ask anything of her and GAL. I guess I get in vulnerable moments at times.
That is why I am on here for encouragement and support to stay the course. And someone to keep me on the right path or at least point me in the right direction.
Had D over the weekend and went to a Christmas event Sunday. Time got away and there was still plenty to do. Called X to see if we could stay longer and that we would be a little late. She flipped out saying she would call the Police, take it to court and I needed to hv my D back to her house immediately.
X continued to spew bad stuff from her, finally her mom got on the phone and was halfway rational. Good to know someone in the house is able to be that way. Told her what was going on and that we were back on our way there.
X's mom came to the door and met us. She was very nice and pleasant. I think she can see that her D is not doing the best things. I have attempted to do the right things throughout.
