I am sick. Hate being sick. I didn't have the kids this weekend, so overindulged myself and slept, watched tv. Kids came home. D10 has had a fever all weekend, so she isn't going to school again tomorrow. I checked mine, and have a fever, too. So we'll both be home. Not good - my 5th sick day already this school year.
Thanks to a ridiculously long nap, I am awake now. I was laying in my bed, and the thoughts came (never a good scenario).
I wonder if I can do this. Life, I mean, on my own. I am starting to get overwhelmed again.
I look around at my house, and there are things out all over. Three boxes of paperwork to go through in the living room. More on the kitchen island. The floors need to be vacuumed and washed. Forget the state of my room and my bathroom, and the kids rooms are out of control again, too. I always struggled with housework. I read Flylady a lot, and I know what I have to do. But again, I overindulge myself. I can't get started on anything, can't make it match the picture in my head of how things should be, frustrated with myself that such a simple thing as keeping house should be hard for me. Holidays loom. The Inner Princess takes over a lot. And the poor-mes. And the perfectionism. And the distractiveness (is that even a word?)
There are projects at work that aren't getting done. Important ones. I am teaching my classes, but have to submit an order, organize this afterschool thing, get bulletin boards up, finish a fundraiser (that I missed a submission date for already). I put things on a daily to-do list, but they still don't get done.
Excuses. I go home to my kids. But even then, there is time wasted on the computer...so much that the kids have taken notice and mentioned it to me.
But I wonder now if...maybe I just can't do it?
I leaned so much on my ex when he was here.... I know that is a reason he left. I didn't have good boundaries, and expected him to fill in the slack that I left behind.
What if I can't do it on my own? I've never been able to....
self-sabotage? or do I just not have the capacity?
So much needs to be done every day. And every little bit just adds to the pile...I feel like I am getting bare-basics done, but falling farther and farther behind. And this is the story of my life. I remember back to 10th grade and being assigned all honors classes for the first time. Things snowballed....I ended up sick with a psychosomatic illness that took me out of school for a few months; I just couldn't keep up with the work. I wasn't used to failing. Feels like my life is like that right now.
Maybe I'm just not enough of a person.....wow, I know that sounds very strange. Yes, OT, I can see the co-dependence thing.
My IC asked me this week to do some homework - ID what I want to focus on now, now that I'm not just in survive-the-divorce mode. Do we go back to childhood issues? Or do I want to look at concrete things in the future?
Can I even separate them?
Probably not a good idea to think about dating, hmmm?
I thought I had done so much work...but I am still not making it. Yes, my kids are ok. But I'm not setting an example of how to keep a home (no, I'm not a Hoarder's show candidate!).
Is life on this scale meant to be lived on your own? So many years of having help...and three years without it finds me still struggling to figure it out.
I think back to my childhood, my mom, checked out but there, an alcoholic....how much of that is in me, even though I don't drink a drop?
Am I genetically at capacity, this is all that I can be? Or is there a way to push past this?
