Thanks for your input Grace. It is always welcome.
You know, when he shows me his hurt which has happened occasionally over the past few months when he really opens up and lets me into his head, I can see how very deep and soul shattering it is. And that is where the selfishness comes in, I guess. He truly can't focus on anything but himself and his pain. I get that. I just can't fathom how it is possible he can't stop it at will, but I understand he really can't at this point.
Quite honestly, I have done the scrutinizing in the mirror and have listened to his complaints. He had a QLC about 10 years ago and I know the issues that plagued him then have continued and he felt they were "swept under the rug" back then, which maybe they were, but they were issues he had with himself and his identity and really didn't have much at all to do with me.
That is why this sudden change in character and lashing out at me took me by surprise. He hadn't really expressed problems with me/our marriage and I think overall it was pretty good. yes, there were some issues but nothing major and nothing that warranted this kind of reaction!
Anyway, it is what it is. I have been able to sort through the lashings to what is real and what is not and honestly I believe I have taken the fight away. HIs anger which was often directed at me the couple months pre and post bomb really isn't there anymore. EVERYTHING else in his world makes him mad it seems like, everyone else is doing him wrong, everyone is out to get him, etc., is what I hear these days,rather than me being the problem which is something I am grateful for.
I will just keep doing what I am doing. I have been spending a lot of time on my knees lately. The one thing I need to not let happen is that he has seen me sad a few times the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it is good or bad but I don't want him to see me as a mopey person, because I really am not that these days.
