how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[pearlharbr]

SO: do I send her letter to him with a note from me saying--I am in a great deal of pain, very devastated, doing my best to get counseling, healing, etc, but please realize and respect my feelings right now. Please ensure that gf mail goes to the right place.
or something like that.

I'm going to be blunt: He doesn't care if you're in pain. And telling him how devastated you are makes you look very unattractive through his fogged out perspective.

This is not how to set a boundary. Check out the boundary thread on this forum. Read the detachment one too.

[avermont]

I have been reading the boundary and detaching threads. Repeatedly. Trying to absorb them.

I guess I get that he doesn't care if I hurt. I think it hurts more to think that he thinks I am fine because "I never really loved him' and "I'm too independent" anyhow. It hurts to continue the silence about our feelings that killed the R in the first place. So that is the 180 I am struggling with--talking about feelings is a true 180, but absolutely not the thing to do!!

thanks for the advice; I know I should maintain radio silence and I will do that.

Detach detach detach.

[avermont]

cutterbug--what advice is there, in addition to Pearl's tough love, re: breaking up the affair?

We have our own separate bank accounts, and the joint account which is for the household. We both have access to it, and so far everything is on the up and up. Which is why the joint bill paying is an issue. Gotta get together to do it, and I don't think I am going to initiate that conversation this month. Just go ahead and do the bills myself if he doesn't initiate.

[avermont]

I also have to think about why knowing how hurt I am makes me look unattractive? Wouldn't a guy want his partner to be upset that he walked out? Doesn't it just justify his leaving to him if it appears to be no big deal to me? And just in the world of whine, why does he get to walk away without hearing even just a little about what I feel about it? La la la and out the door, no troubles, no worries?

I know I am arguing with those much wiser than I--and I do want your advice and I am listening--but one reason he went looking for an A was my reserved expressions of love. So off he goes and if I don't let him know how I feel--he is more justified to himself.

I appreciate advice on how to sort this out in my mind so I can work on detaching--

[chatterbug]

avermont.

1. Mail as I said before. Mark it return to sender.
2. No letter. You are a strong independent woman.

Why did he go looking for an affair. Maybe he is week ? Maybe he wanted out ? Maybe it found him ? Maybe he feels entitled to the wants of two woman? Maybe he has no idea what happened and has no clue what to do? Who cares ? We cannot read his mind. Nor can you.

As to fighting an affair.

1. Exposure.
2. Cut off and seperate finances.
3. Remove cheater from the home.
4. Cut off all Emotional Needs.

Upset is what you should be. But Upset does not mean mope and cry and beg and suffer. Upset means you standup. You wipe the tears from your eyes and you get to work. You may bend but you do not break. You admit to yourself your fears and failures. You face them. You improve yourself. You commit to yourself.


Avermont. You are light years ahead already. Your strong independence will really help you through these times.
You have already set up the finances. You have already removed him from mentally abusing you with the affair on a daily basis.

I do not know what you have done with exposure. Have you exposed to close family? Maybe a few close friends?

You should walk with your head high. Anyone asks you what is going on. You say. That when you love someone you let them go free to experience their mistakes. You leave it at that. You then follow it up with one of your 180's

Its a small town. Use this to your advantage. He is bringing her around to push it in your face.

You stated you had problems with intimacy and you were very busy all the time.

So slow down now. Go order some books on the 5 love languages and others about how to open up with intimacy. Go out to the coffee shop, book store , library and read them. And treat yourself to an hour of improving yourself and have a nice tea or coffee.

There you go GAL and 180 at the same time.

Next you sign up and take yoga and pilates. You work on your mind and body. Become intimate with yourself. Learn you body again. Become proud of it.

Another GAL and a 180 at the same time.

I know that I would notice if the woman I spent 23 years with started doing these things. I would wonder what all that streching would be like in bed. I am a guy.

Every woman I have had a relationship with I was physically attracted to. And there are just some things that add an extra level of attraction. The knowledge of what she is physically like + the imagination what its like now. Its a very powerful combination. Add your 180's to this. And yea ..... His loss right.

Avermont. I think you already have the wisdom. Your now just gaining the knowledge to go with that wisdom.

You are going to benifit yourself very much over the next few months.

Its going to be scary. But it will be worth it. Your worth it.

Now you go start offering your advice to some of the ladies here who need to learn how to be indenpendent. Lend them your strength.

[avermont]

Thank you, cutterbug.

Exposure: well, everyone knows. I told a small group of girlfriends first, just to get the support I needed. When BF met up with a group of friends with his new gf, he was surprised that they were cold to him, and asked me, angrily, "what did I tell them?" I said: I told them the truth. That you left me for another woman. You walked away without a word.
He told his parents himself. He described my reaction to the break up as "grumpy"

Finances: the joint account and the house. I guess I will pay joint bills myself this month if he doesn't contact me.

Home: I did succeed in persuading him that it would not be right or the kind thing to do to move me into one of the apartments and have him and the gf move into the house. I think I may have to re-fight this as his lease on his apartment runs out. I hope I might have friends and perhaps a counselor to help me at that time, but hopefully that battle is a few months off.

Emotional Needs: he hasn't asked for any; certainly hasn't offered me any; besides two requests to go to counseling, I haven't asked him for much.

The small town part is hard. At this point I am avoiding town, as I can't bear the thought of running into them. I am trying to get the courage to go around town freely. I know all who know the sitch are on my side, so anyone I see would be supportive. I just don't want to see her.

Excellent advice on slowing down. I have reacted to this stress by running around constantly. In fact, I have taken up running! Ran my first 10k last month, and doing another next week.

Reading intimacy books: OK. I'll do it. Even if it is one of my least favorite things to do! there's a 180.

Taking care of my body: I already yoga and pilates. I have lost 30 pounds in this ordeal; 15 would have been good; 30 puts me on the almost too skinny side. But still, it is an interesting change. I bought jeans and T-shirts that fit my new tinier self, and was sure to wear them when I would see him.

Thanks so much for your words of support. The slowing down and reading/working on intimacy will be the hard work. But that's good and OK.

Wow, and take a breath every now and then.

thank you again for reading and responding.

[Ready2Change]

Ready2change--sorry, I'm not figuring out yet how to get through back posts.

Click on the RED words below that say:
"Ready2Change (9) Divorce Papers Signed"

[chatterbug]

I hope you can do those 180's Intimacy is more than just sex. I say this because I understand. You can read up on my stitch to see what I am saying. If its not spelled out I will come back here and open up. This is a 180 for me as well

Its worth it if it helps both of us.

[avermont]

Hi Cutterbug-

Yes, I know intimacy is more than just sex. And I know I have a problem with intimacy. Or I did--now in my current emotional mess, no boundaries state, I'm blabbing my feelings to anyone who will listen! Perhaps I need a happy medium.

I will read up on your sitch and hopefully we can both learn.

[avermont]

Well, I cracked on Monday and sent him an email link to a funny snowboarding video.

why? because I wanted to try out the "90" as DB coach Laurie suggested. Not pursuing, but showing interest. And remember, he was the first to send me a random email story in October.

On Tuesday, I felt really good for the first time in months. Felt on the way to detachment. Felt some progress.

Last night he responded to my email with a very friendly response. AND asked "where are the bills at? should we get together on that?"

This is after we had the angry interaction during the October bill paying and he went NC for the November bills. As he didn't contact me, I just said the heck with it and paid the bills-compentently enough-- myself.

This is all joint financial stuff, and he is an accountant at heart, so it was way out of character for him to drop the bill-thing.

So right now I am regretting breaking the NC (although I was trying something! to see what happens!) and would like to respond just civilly to the bill paying.

Something like:

"it seemed like it didn't work too well when we did bills together in October. As you didn't contact me in November, I did the bills myself. X, Y, Z bills are all automatically withdrawn; I only have to write checks for A, B, C bills. I can either continue doing them myself, or we can look at them together, whichever you are more comfortable with"

The joint quicken account is on my laptop, and yeah, if I were out of the house, I would want to see that. I could probably just send him an exported file of the quicken each time I do bills.

I feel clear that I will just stick to the topic of bills, and not add anything friendly or off topic.

So--I need a balanced way of saying "I took care of the bills and can keep doing so"--which is MORE of the same TOO independent behavior" "but of course we can do them together so you can see where the finances are at."

Suggestions?