I hear ya. She's realized I'm at a different place on Thurs when I called out her, her attorney and my attorney to just get these deals/agreements done as I've had enough. I pretty much laid it on the table where if we can't reach agreement and it goes to court and I will lay out everything out in the open (she's still hiding the fact that she's cheated on me before she filed for divorce - her attorney thinks it started when she moved out). Her attorney tried to take a strong position saying his client was afraid, but I didn't balk/blink at all.
She still doesn't know how much I know and have.
I called her later, about having dinner with the kids that nite, and at the end I reminded her that I will not have any problems telling everyone that she did the same thing that she and her family hated her dad to her family - cheated and left. It took her 15+ years before she would even talk to him. I floated out there to her how do you think our boys would feel about it.
Even today, when my boys called her to ask to stay overnite tonite, she asked to talk to me and then tried the route of how I wasn't being as nice as she was. I just cut her off as I didn't want to hear it and didn't want to get into it since the kids were in the room. I then told her that I'm not going to just go back to our old 50/50 arrangement as it doesn't work for me.
Frankly, right now it's about protecting my family. That's me and my boys. She's gotta deal with her own problems as she is the one who caused them, although I know she will NEVER see it that way. I saw that was her attitude on Thurs. All along she said she was trying to fair, but the reality was that she was going to max out whatever the formula for child and spousal support was going to come up with. I'm going to do the same. Not out of spite, but just to preserve our family home (she left the house so I'm staying in our home) as long as possible. In the hopes of finding a job before I have to let the bank take it.
I'm also going to make sure I have every other weekend free so that I can continue to get a life. I started to in NY and made some good friends. They are only 2-3 hours aways so I want to make sure I can keep in touch with them.
Plus this will get her a real taste of post-D reality. I was too nice prior to finding out the truth. I had taken the boys every weekend with the hopes she would be miss being at home with the family on the weekends. Boy was I wrong. Plus, financially, I gave her everything she asked for, and more. Whenever she needed something I was there. That all stopped when I found out the truth. The crazy part, was that she tried to ask for help afterwards and I politely declined. Since then, she keeps throwing that back at me. I laugh it off but blew up last Thurs by politely telling her that I had really wanted to tell her to ask the guy she cheated on me with for help instead (she can't since he dumped her after she moved out and he christian her new apt) but didn't since it would be mean. What I would say was that I wasn't comfortable doing that.
I'm pissed they eliminated my position just after 3 months, particularly since my severence from my last job would have carried me into next year. Now I have nothing. I'm not too bitter as I had "learned" so much since I started in NY. I learned the truth and seriously would have doubted if I ever would have if I didn't work so far away and wound up buying the laptop to skype with my boys (that's how I found out the truth, whe she used the laptop for her personal nonsense). Plus, the distance and time away during the week really forced me into getting a life and I rediscovered what makes me happy and how much life has to offer me.
So, even though it cost me 6 weeks of severence, what I've learned is priceless.....
As my cousin said to me when he talked with me Friday, it seems like the old me is back. The take no prisoner guy who fought for everything in life. Right now, she is messing with my family. No one messes with my family, she knows that from back when she was part of it. It's now just the three of us, me and my two boys, and I've had enough of the BS. It's time to end the game.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
As my cousin said to me when he talked with me Friday, it seems like the old me is back. The take no prisoner guy who fought for everything in life. Right now, she is messing with my family. No one messes with my family, she knows that from back when she was part of it. It's now just the three of us, me and my two boys, and I've had enough of the BS. It's time to end the game.
Yeah!!!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Spousal support is only one of many things she will have to face, and necessary for you to support your boys. Head held high, no excuses, kick butt CIPA - you are so much more than she deserves. She is STILL trying to make it out like you are the bad guy. She is still trying to say you are at fault for the choices she made.
Wrong answer!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks everyone. I'm trying to keep my head up and looking forward. There are times though, like tonite, where I do feel down.
I know it's natural but it's just so crappy. I get into the woe's me routine and I can't believe I'm there. I keep kicking myself in the butt to knock me out of it.
I'm back in NY right now to pack my stuff up. I met up with a couple of friends from work for dinner and drinks. It was all good. I'm doing the same tomorrow nite. I figure I'll head back home on Weds. In a way it's just nice having a place to go to where the crap doesn't exist.
Guess it's a welcome back to realtiy......
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I did blow up at her yesterday when she called me about some tactical stuff about the kids. I reminded her that now that I'm back in PA I want to see my kids alot more. She said we can go back to our old arrangement of me having them Thurs, Fri and Sat and we would alternate Weds. I told her those days don't work for me anymore as I want weekends off as well. So I said I will take Sun, Mon, Tues and we will alternate on Sat.
She said she disagreed and said that since we can't agree, we will just have to go back to doing one of the scenarios we had done before. I told her that I don't think so and that we will go to court. I will spend every dime we have fighting for the kids and at the end of the day they will know that and she won't see a single penny of it. She said she didn't want any of it. Then I asked her then why did she file to get it then? She didn't answer.
Then I reminded her of how she felt about her father for cheating on her mother and leaving them. I asked her how do you think our boys will feel about her once they learn the truth. She said she didn't have to listen to this. I said bye and hung up.
Today, I talked with my lawyer to get the child support and alimony petition filed. I still need to figure out what to do about custody.
I want to file for primary, where she sees them every other weekend and dinner twice a week, but I'm worried that once I find a job, I wouldn't be able to do that. Then I'll wind up with the other end, where I see them every other weekend and dinner twice a week.
Any thoughts????
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
What is your attorney advising? Unfortunately, your moving away might come back and hurt you. The court usually looks at continuing the arrangement that was in place before. They look at who was the primary parent. Hopefully, you have been documenting everything. Not all courts care about who cheated or who left who. They care about what schedule is best for the kids. Rather then say "see you in court". Start playing the role of the rational co-parent. The judge/court doesn't care about who hurt who more they want to resolve the case as easily as possible. If you have issues then you should have your attorney suggest you both go to mediation to work out a schedule. Then have your attorney draw it up into a contract or she may not follow through like mine did.
I know I am in the minority here and I openly admit I don't know the divorce laws of PA but I am a huge advocate of leaving the affair out of the proceedings until you *need* to. Trust me, it works.
Like your WAS, my WAS told his attny that his affair started in July of 2008 when it actually started in March of 2008 while we sill lived together. He moved out in April of 2008. Although a physical separation (not legally documented) in NY means jack, his attny said it was "ok". LOL!
I never brought it up until it was time to negotiate which gave me the leverage to NOT have to negotiate.
Like you, I had more than enough evidence to plead my case should it become necessary and my H knew it. My attny and I quietly went about our business and it was then I started getting e-mails from my H that he knew there would be consequences for "that other thing" (his GF/affair).
In a way it also made his life *very* miserable because his friends and co-workers were not quite as loyal as he thought and to this day I refuse to tell him who told me what. And I never will. I told my attny the same thing and he supported that. Instead of focusing on what I knew, for a long time he focused on who told me. Wrong move, my man.
Do not tell her anything legal. Do not threaten her with anything legal. She knows she is in a corner and she can say she was afraid all she wants. A judge does not want to hear this BS, they want a resolution. So, you and your attny go about your business in private and file your motions and petitions and let her wonder and worry.
Had we not settled out of court our trial would have started today and I can assure you it would not just have been me and my H in that courtroom. I actually had to laugh at my H last month when he had the balls to tell me that his GF whines so much about why this is taking so long and how patient she has been and how she has told him he is no longer to talk to me. LOL! I ignored it but wanted to say to my H that your GF should be sending me flowers and thank you note that she *wasn't* pulled into this. Thankfully I am smarter and have more class than that. So do you!
Nice job CG. You handled yourself beautifully. You obviously have your stuff together. I know you probably hear it a lot from fam and friends, but your WAH is definitely going to regret HIS choices. If he hasn't already.
