Another dive down the rollercoaster, and this one is hard.
My Father in Law is probably my second best friend after my wife. We've been emailing daily since this happened. My W has said this was okay.
Today he emailed me and said that my W felt like I was using our friendship against her. This confuses me because I never brought up our conversations with her and I never said anything bad about her to him. I talked about the changes I was making and he provided reassurance to hang in there.
Today he said he needs to be more low key and talk with my W when he returns from vacation next weekend.
This on the day that I woke up feeling good, thinking that my W is going to IC and may start to feel better, maybe see things differntly. DAMN IT. I am losing it!
So, now, in addition to my wife; I've lost my other best friend.
I went to church with then kids this morning along with my family. That was nice. They all came over to my house, cooked a big dinner and watched the first half of the football game. That was nice. It took my mind off things for a while.
But now it is quiet, the kids are napping and all I want to do is fix my marriage. I know, I know...2x4 to the side of the head, snap out of it, you will be okay, etc.. It's just one of those days.
My wife will be back in town tonight after visiting her dad. I don't expect anything positive, but there is always that little thought that MAYBE something changed. I know better and need to stop doing that.
I feel bad saying it, but I wish I could go out with some friends, watch some football and talk about something else. Instead the kids are asking me how we will handle Christmas. Who gets the Christmas tree? When are we baking cookies? Are we going to the museum after Christmas? God, I hate that. It is so hard not to get sad in front of them.
I can only hope that my wife gets the same thing when they are home. I can only hope that the holidays, in some way, make her reconsider.
I certainly don't blame her, I am a major reason we are where we are now. I honestly think that she is so angry mainly because she does see me changing, after begging for so long and asking me to. Now, when she said she had enough, I am changing.
I take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't filed. But that is more likely because of the holidays and the desire not to do so over the holidays. I wonder if she is just waiting to see how she does over the holidays, and when they are over, and she is still okay, she will file; knowing she will be okay too.
That is the tough part. We will both be ok; but I just feel like we are so much better together. We are stronger as a team then as individuals. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know.
Confused, Angry, Sad, Depressed and heartborken sums up my mood today.
Today he emailed me and said that my W felt like I was using our friendship against her.
So, he didn't say this; he relayed his daughter saying it.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe
This confuses me because I never brought up our conversations with her and I never said anything bad about her to him. I talked about the changes I was making and he provided reassurance to hang in there.Today he said he needs to be more low key and talk with my W when he returns from vacation next weekend.[
Tell him this. Via e-mail, if possible so he can re-read, digest it and not mis-remember, mis-interpret you.That as he knows, you never discussed/quoted his daughter - and never would - , just shared yourself and relied on his understanding and counseling. Validate his (temporary) need to pull back, the awkward in-the-middle position he must find himself in along with conflicting loyalties to you and her.. Thank him for listening. Appreciate his need to pull back. Tell him you look orward to hearing from him again when he's ready. Tell him you consider him a valued friend and love him. Talk to you when you're ready. You have not lost a best friend he may be in pain and is (understandably) conflicted and wlking on eggshells, too. He's going on vacation. Good. Needs to think about beloved daughter, SIL, and sitch and clear his head with some "me" time.
He'll be back if he and how you describe your relationship with him are both as good as you describe them.
You can handle it. And have been. Honorably.
Last edited by Gardener; 11/15/0908:46 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
What is bothering me the most right now is that my wife doesn't believe in any of the changes I am have/am making. She thinks I am "being a politician" and saying the right things to the right people. She's getting more and more angry at me.
My IC says that the key to trust is consistent actions + time. I know this; but it seems like the more I improve, and I really am, the more upset she gets. She is doing more and more to, I believe, hurt me. Maybe it is her way of testing me. I don't know.
All I know is that THIS IS NOT MY W. This is not the person I fell in love with. She is, quite simply, being mean. I worry that she will leverage the kids against me next. However, I have enough to worry about without worrying about thigns that haven't happened yet.
Your advice is exactly what I did in my reply. I will copy in the email below.
He did reply with, "Thanks, I knew you would understand; best wishes".
The email to my Father in Law:
I understand. I'm sorry that this is the case. This has always worried me. I've never mentioned anything we said or even brought you up other then to ask when this started if it was okay to talk with you.
I hope XXXX decideds to talk to someone. I'm not trying to manipulate her at all. It is in my nature to control the situation I am in, and that is generally something I can do pretty well; but it is something that doesn't work in a marriage and I am trying to not do that. I think XXXX sees that and it confuses her because I am not fighting. I am trying to remain amicable, etc... To her, that isn't me. And it isn't me. But it is the way I have learned, through counseling, that I need to be. You said I can be right or I can be happy. Right now, I feel like I am neither, but I can't and don't want XXXX to be married to me because she has to. I want it because she wants to.
XXXX always has been my best friend. I honestly don't want that to go away completly, if divorce is what happens. She's very very angry with me, I think moreso because she has always asked me to deal with some of these issues and the last time I was given a last chance, I didn't. Now that she has decided it is over, I am doing it and it makes her angry, and I understand that.
Thansk for being there, and I very much understand your conflict and respect that. I have two little girls that I would do the same things for; but I also know that XXXX and I were happy before, and we can be again. It would be a very tough road, but it is one I hope and pray XXXX decides to try. If not, I will have to learn to deal with that and the changes in my life.
What is bothering me the most right now is that my wife doesn't believe in any of the changes I am have/am making. She thinks I am "being a politician" and saying the right things to the right people.
BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT THEY SAY (dammit!)
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
She's getting more and more angry at me.
AND LESS THAN HALF OF WHAT THEY DO! (I'm gonna stop all this annoying quoting and just interject in red, if you don't mind.)
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
My IC says that the key to trust is consistent actions + time.TRUE I know this; but it seems like the more I improve, and I really am, the more upset she gets.MindReading She is doing more and more to, I believe, hurt me.Mindreading Maybe it is her way of testing me. I don't know.
All I know is that THIS IS NOT MY W. Right.A Hurting Alien. This is not the person I fell in love with. She is, quite simply, being mean. I worry that she will leverage the kids against me next. However, I have enough to worry about without worrying about thigns that haven't happened yet. That's right. And if she leverages/turns the kids against you, remain you. They'll be back!
Your advice is exactly what I did in my reply. I will copy in the email below.
He did reply with, "Thanks, I knew you would understand; best wishes".See?
The email to my Father in Law:
I understand. I'm sorry that this is the case. This has always worried me. I've never mentioned anything we said or even brought you up other then to ask when this started if it was okay to talk with you.
I hope XXXX decideds to talk to someone. I'm not trying to manipulate her at all. It is in my nature to control the situation I am in, and that is generally something I can do pretty well; but it is something that doesn't work in a marriage and I am trying to not do that. I think XXXX sees that and it confuses her because I am not fighting. I am trying to remain amicable, etc... To her, that isn't me. And it isn't me. But it is the way I have learned, through counseling, that I need to be. You said I can be right or I can be happy. Right now, I feel like I am neither, but I can't and don't want XXXX to be married to me because she has to. I want it because she wants to.
XXXX always has been my best friend. I honestly don't want that to go away completly, if divorce is what happens. She's very very angry with me, I think moreso because she has always asked me to deal with some of these issues and the last time I was given a last chance, I didn't. Now that she has decided it is over, I am doing it and it makes her angry, and I understand that.
Thansk for being there, and I very much understand your conflict and respect that. I have two little girls that I would do the same things for; but I also know that XXXX and I were happy before, and we can be again. It would be a very tough road, but it is one I hope and pray XXXX decides to try. If not, I will have to learn to deal with that and the changes in my life. Bravo! His reply says it ALL!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I just got off the phone with another friend who has been fantastic through all of this.
I am feeling better.
There isn't a third party involved (affair), time is on my side and I have remained very consistent throughout this seperation. I've fought a couple of times, once last weekend and once in counseling, but both times I ended it by saying that I wasn't going to continue to do that. Heated emotions lead to saying things that we don't mean.
My W does seem to be jabbing me, I know that is mind reading, but I still feel like she is pushing ME to file...that isn't going to happen. If this is what she wants, then she needs to do it, not me.
We have a pending issue tomorrow that I was stressing about, but have come to a conclusion on. Our daughter has a concert at school; so of course I wonder "Do I sit next to my W? Do I sit someplace else?" Eitherway I can p!ss her off. Simple solution. Get their early, before her, sit someplace and if SHE wants to sit by me she can, if not, that is okay too.
Thank you for being here today, Gardener, I really appreciate it.
I see my IC on Tuesday and my Pastor later in the week; that is something to look forward to as well.
