Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Yes, Gardener, I described in detail a few posts back to Gnosis. Here it is:



[quote=brownidmom][quote=GnosisThe only way I know how to finally prove to you that I have not lied about anything else in our marriage is to take a polygraph test. I am willing to do that for you.

Already took a polygraph test 2 years ago. It was utterly humiliating but I agreed to it because I had nothing else to hide. The examiner asked me 3 questions. Here they are and what the results were:

1) Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than H from the first time you had sex with H until you were married. Answer: NO result: deceptive response

2) Other than kissing X one time when you were dating H, have you ever kissed another person from the time you first had sex with H until the present time? Answer: NO Result: truthful response

3) Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than your H from the time you married H until the present? Answer: No
Result: Truthful response

My experience is that lie detectors must detect something other than lies because I told the truth to all 3 questions. I have since done some research on false negatives on polygraphs and wish I would have done so before I agreed to take it. The whole thing was manipulated.


Can you believe it?!?! The very question that he had been asking me all along was the one that the examiner decided I was being untruthful about. Sure sucked to be me when that happened. And it didn't help matters much, to boot!

[Gardener]

1) Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than H from the first time you had sex with H until you were married. Answer: NO result: deceptive response

My experience is that lie detectors must detect something other than lies because I told the truth to all 3 questions. I have since done some research on false negatives on polygraphs and wish I would have done so before I agreed to take it. The whole thing was manipulated.

Well, yeah...they detect symptoms of nervousness, don't they?. You were nervous. And that was the very first question. Damn!

[brownidmom]

Well, yeah...they detect symptoms of nervousness, don't they?. You were nervous. And that was the very first question. Damn!

Yep, of course, it just had to be the first question. And that was the main sticking point with H, that he thinks I had cheated while we were dating. Never mind that I have been faithful during our marriage. Nope, pretty much sucked to be me. I was devastated that it said I lied when I was telling the truth. Didn't help my sitch out either, obviously.

H has issues with forgiveness. Don't think he has ever forgiven anyone of anything. Cross him and you're gone, just like that. I figure that it said I was lying because H is supposed to learn forgiveness. Either he will learn it OR he will grow into a bitter old man in the years to come.

bim

[Serenity13]

(((BIM)))

I am still reading through the last few pages and I have to stop and pull splinters outta my own butt LOL...

You may have had numerous 2x4's sent your way however you have handled it like a champ - Good on you.

If you could go back and see my original thread (it has since been locked) you would see some of the 2x4's that Puppy swung at me on a day to day basis -

Let's just say I wasn't a very good student for quite awhile -

Ok back to reading

[Gnosis]

H has issues with forgiveness. Don't think he has ever forgiven anyone of anything. Cross him and you're gone, just like that.

Hmm... BIM... I'm ashamed to say that your H and I share something in common.

H is supposed to learn forgiveness. Either he will learn it

That will be a minor miracle. Please don't think I'm defending him. I'm not. I don't condone his behavior.

OR he will grow into a bitter old man in the years to come.

Perhaps.

I share some similarity with him on the "cross me and you're out" front. I'm only speculating now, but if you dig a little deeper into his past you will probably find: A history of constant and repeated betrayal by friends and family throughout his life. i.e. Every time he's chosen to forgive a second or third time its come back to bite him and caused him more pain.

So... at some point in his life he decided that it's less painful to "mind wipe" someone than to forgive them and be hurt again. I'm talking from personal experience here (I could be wrong) If the above is true, please don't ask how to correct it because I wouldn't know. Maybe a qualified professional could help.

I'm only sharing this with the hope it will give you further insight with him. Trust is his biggest issue. If you can find a way to win it back then I'd say you're halfway through the battle.

[Gardener]

BIM'Gnosis
Pls go see SpyBunny/Counseling Conundrums even if you don't know entire sitch. Needs help.

[brownidmom]

Gnosis,

H has issues with forgiveness. Don't think he has ever forgiven anyone of anything. Cross him and you're gone, just like that.

Hmm... BIM... I'm ashamed to say that your H and I share something in common.

I have a question~ how can you believe in God and not believe in forgiveness? I have never been a grudgeholder and I don't get it. I'd like to think that I don't let people walk all over me, but I also don't let other people take away my joy. How can you not forgive and still be happy? This has always bugged me about H.

I share some similarity with him on the "cross me and you're out" front. I'm only speculating now, but if you dig a little deeper into his past you will probably find: A history of constant and repeated betrayal by friends and family throughout his life. i.e. Every time he's chosen to forgive a second or third time its come back to bite him and caused him more pain.

So... at some point in his life he decided that it's less painful to "mind wipe" someone than to forgive them and be hurt again. I'm talking from personal experience here (I could be wrong) If the above is true, please don't ask how to correct it because I wouldn't know. Maybe a qualified professional could help.

I'm only sharing this with the hope it will give you further insight with him. Trust is his biggest issue. If you can find a way to win it back then I'd say you're halfway through the battle.

Yes, I know that it is and always has been. His father left when he was 5, and while I don't ever bring it up, I know that it affects him to this day.

I will keep praying that he finds GOD. He is a very spiritual person, but not religious. And while I don't think that being religious is required to be able to forgive, I think that knowing GOD instead of just believing helps with that understanding.

BIM

[PainfulDusk]

((BIM)) wanted to look in on you. Tried reading and catching up. I see you got a couple of 2x4's thrown ur way. =) Trying to justify still loving someone in these sitch's is never easy, sometimes we just can't. Our feelings are what they are. We just cant let them rule us. I know its silly, but do you remember the story "The Little Engine That Could"? I found that in an old box last night and was feeling overwhelmed and read it. Made me feel better. Great childhood memories and message.

Dusk

[Gardener]

I have a question~ how can you believe in God and not believe in forgiveness?

Many believe in God and do not adhere to his laws and commandments. Could that be why the world has always been so F'ed up?

Hmmmm....Crosses people off, holds grudges, never forgives,
Is he Irish?

Signed,
O'Gardener

[TrentC]

I have a question~ how can you believe in God and not believe in forgiveness? I have never been a grudgeholder and I don't get it. I'd like to think that I don't let people walk all over me, but I also don't let other people take away my joy. How can you not forgive and still be happy? This has always bugged me about H.

[...]

I will keep praying that he finds GOD. He is a very spiritual person, but not religious. And while I don't think that being religious is required to be able to forgive, I think that knowing GOD instead of just believing helps with that understanding.

I posted some links to some downloadable sermons from my church. One of them, Love Lets It Go, talks about this very thing.

It's pretty cut and dried in Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Some people choose to interpret this as, you will be forgiven by God in proportion to the amount of forgiveness that you extend.