I hear ya, VH. This is why we haven't really said much to them at all about what is going on. I'm not ready to say anything nice. I just remind them daily that their Dad loves them.
I more disagree with Kevin. WAS needs to be accountable, but it's not appropriate, in my opinion, for the kids to be used to do that. Especially young kids. When they are older, they will do it on their own. When they are younger, I don't think it is either parent's place to put them in the "middle". For one thing, it's easy to say, from our point of view, that we are "right". But there is always another point of view.
Anyway, that's some thoughts I have on the subject!
^^^DITTO^^^
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, having just gotten home from my required parent education class, I even more disagree with Kevin.
I heard reason after reason why it's inappropriate to put the kids in that position. They are going to make their own judgments, have their own feelings. And that's all ok. But for their sake, we can't do anything to try to influence them to take sides. One thing that struck me was that the kids know that each parent is a part of them. And that they see that anything said negative about one parent is also a negative about them. There were a bunch of other reasons, enough that I am totally convinced.
I'm not saying that my way is the answer. It was just my feelings on the subject. But I am no child psychologist.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
With the guidance of our child behaviorist, H told the kids he was moving out. I was there for support. I think that was fair. I could not pretend to be in agreement with H or take on the responsibility of explaining HIS actions. However, I did not say anything negative. I let my kids know that I was there for them. As the tears streamed down their faces, I was grateful I did not have to speak because it wouldn't have been pretty.
Uh-oh, here come the tears...just remembering is still hard.
Anyway, about 10 months later now and I just discussed with my therapist how to handle the feelings that are emerging from my kids. She was clear that I am not obligated to condone or make excuses in any way for H. I can be respectful and matter of fact and certainly let my kids know I love them (which includes the parts that are like him) without defending him. Honesty is a virtue as important as any other and our kids know when we are disingenuous. It is a fine line but age appropriate honesty is optimal IMO; sometimes omission is necessary.
AAK, I think that sounds just right. Age appropriate honesty makes sense.
The thing that I saw emphasized was that no matter what the issues between spouses, the child is almost always better off to have both parents in their life in a positive way. It was said that the kid's first wish was that their parents would be together. If that couldn't happen, they biggest desire was that the fighting would stop. Putting them in the middle, telling them it is the other parent's fault, doesn't help them.
Sure they see the obvious, if Daddy leaves, you can't very well say he didn't. But you don't need to say "Daddy left you to go have an affair with some bimbo." You could say, "Daddy left because he thought that it is what he had to do. We both love you very much. You can ask him about it." And then Daddy doesn't need to say, "I left Mommy because she is a controlling, annoying nag." He could say, "Your mom and I couldn't live together anymore, and I thought is was best if I left. I'm stil your Dad, and I love you very much."
Here's the point I think is at the bottom of all of this. If we tell our kids their life is ruined because their parents are apart, they are going to think their lives are ruined, and things are going to be pretty hard. If we tell them their family is changing, and things will be different, but that their parents still love them, and they will be taken care of, there is a pretty good chance they are going to be ok, once things shake out.
We have to take the lead and the responsibility, even when it is hard. The kids will follow our lead. If we let this ruin our lives, we are setting them up for bad times. If we become sullen and bitter, guess what they are going to do? Maybe it's hard. Maybe we have to fake it some days. But when we had kids, we took on a responsibility that means sometimes we have to put their interests above our own. So even if we want our x to "pay", to know how "wrong" they are, we have to put that away, and leave it, for the good of the kids.
I am in agreement VH. That is very good perspective.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
My mom told me H told her he was done and getting a divorce. This was about a week ago. She told me she wanted to think about it so she didn't hurt my feelings. Her decision was that as far as she is concerned, that is a definite I and final decision on his part, and she no longer feels the need to let him stay in her home. She is telling him to get his stuff.
