Over the Shock and GALing 6

[orangedog]

YOU are getting stronger, wiser, and making good efforts. You are a better man.

[Thinker]

Thanks OD,

After the bomb I was a fearful, angry, stressed, controlling, clingy mess.

DBing gives you the tools to get over it, but in many ways I think it also delayed my getting to acceptance. I hung on to the tools far to long as a way of controlling my sitch I "if I only do this hard enough and long enough then I can turn her around". "If I can only get her to counseling, then the C will turn her around". "If she would only go to Retro then they would get her to turn around", etc. All about control.

I think the DBing stopped me from pushing my w out the door, but once her flight stalled, so did my detachment.

I am only now, a year later, STARTING to really let go.

[Gardener]

After the bomb I was a fearful, angry, stressed, controlling, clingy mess.

DBing gives you the tools to get over it, but in many ways I think it also delayed my getting to acceptance. I hung on to the tools far to long as a way of controlling my sitch I "if I only do this hard enough and long enough then I can turn her around". "If I can only get her to counseling, then the C will turn her around". "If she would only go to Retro then they would get her to turn around", etc. All about control.

I think the DBing stopped me from pushing my w out the door, but once her flight stalled, so did my detachment.

I am only now, a year later, STARTING to really let go.

Yep. Bingo. Ditto. Me, too What he said.

[Thinker]

"If I can detach enough, maybe she'll (he'll) come back"

At a miminum this is faulty logic and a misuse of the word "detachment"

Is it an oxymoron? Maybe some of you english major types can help me there.

[Thinker]

I am finding that Mrs. T does not like not being in control. Not one bit.

We are sleeping in separate rooms, and acting like happy, friendly roommates, and I am finding that I like it. It's relaxing. It's stress free.

I get a good nights sleep, and then spend the day playing with the boys and doing things that I feel like doing. During the day today I interacted with her as I would the mother of my children - playing with the kids together, helping her care for them, etc. We coordinate our schedules around who is caring for them, and when, but otherwise I have been treating her like a good room mate - polite, friendly and sharing, but unaffectionate. Because I felt like it, I spent the day driving the boys around and baking bread (if you can believe it) while Mrs. T worked.

At the end of the day we agreed that she would take the boys to a 5pm birthday party, and I would take the time to go work out and have some time to myself.

I left at 4:30 or so, went for a LONG swim (an hour in the pool, then the steam room and a shower), and then decided that I wanted to go out for a beer, rather than head home. I went to a fun local bar, watched the game, drank a few beers, talked to the bartender and the guys next to me, and then headed home. Yes, I was being a bit intentionally mysterious and timed it so I got home just after I knew she would. I wanted her to arrive home and find me not there.

I got back at 7:30 just in time to help her carry the boys in from the car. Her dislike of me not being where she expected me to be came across as a very snippy "Well where have YOU been for 3 hours!!" She did not like my answer at all("At the gym, and then I stopped at the bar for a drink") - not one bit.

To be clear, she has no issues with me going to a bar, or with me drinking. She has issues with the fact that I was out and she didn't know where I was or who I was with.

The topic ended. I got the boys bathed, we got them in bed, I cooked some dinner (to go with the bread), we watched some TV. I felt relaxed, but not close. For the first time I found myself sitting on the opposite end of the couch from her and NOT wishing we were sitting closer. For me it was just pleasant and fun. It was a good evening.

And then she started with the questions:
- "So who did you go to the bar with"

me: "No One. Just stopped by and chatted with the people who were there. It's a friendly place"

her: (Challenging me to get upset) "Well maybe I should go there!!" (The clear implication being that she could go and talk to strangers and that this would upset me)

me (shrugging my shoulders): "ok" (fine with me)

she stalked into another room. A few minute later when she came out.

me: "Is there something you want to say or ask me?"

her: "No, I just think it is WEIRD that you went to the gym and were gone for 4 hours" (wait, I thought it was only 3...)

me: "It was only 3, and I told you where I was"

pause...

her: Goodnight (loudly goes upstairs and heads into the bedroom where she is sleeping)

----

I know that my final answer there was not in line with the venus / mars advice (I corrected the facts of her statement rather than addressing her feelings) but right now I don't want to address her feelings. I think she is feeling cut out and is worried about why I might be going to a bar (am I going to meet someone) and what I might do there (meet someone), but I don't really feel like rescuing her from that. Not after she has been so clear that she doesn't love me, really wants a life without me, etc.

So it is as GIMA and I have been discussing for a while. It's confusing as hell, but it seems that while you are there, being a loving and supportive spouse, they don't want you. They just want you to leave.

...but if you walk away, they start to panic.

----

Here is where I am struggling a bit.

I have detached to the point where I could walk away, but haven't.

I still REALLY care about her. I don't want her to be in pain. She is really a smart, funny, sexy, and interesting person who cares for other people. I like being with her.

At the same time, although I believe that nothing she has done was to hurt me, I still see that when our M is struggling and she is unhappy, she blames it on me and looks for an OM to make her happy. I can like her and not want to be in a M with a person like that at the same time.

I don't want to break up my family and my kids.

So right now, I am sitting on the fence. I don't want to be in this M, but statements said earlier not withstanding, I am not ready to initiate D at this moment.

Right now I am staying detached, acknowledging my sitch, enjoying each day, and seeing what happens.

We'll see...

[Kettricken]

I think you did GREAT!!! Don't address her feelings, just the facts ma'am and let her stew. Not to be mean, but just to be real. If you separate and/or divorce, she's gonna have to tolerate a LOT more uncertainty than this. If she can't or just doesn't want to, best she know now.

Here's what I really love about what you're doing right now. You are removing "husband type" stuff while maintaining impeccable co-parenting protocols. The difference between apples and oranges is quite clear.

[givingitmyall]

That pretty much sums it up.

Sounds like a pretty good night to me. Good for you.

[Gardener]

Thinker,
Pls go see SpyBunny/Counseling Conundrums even if you don't know entire sitch. Needs help.

[orangedog]

Thinker,

Your current sitch sounds much like the last month or three that W and I had. Living in the same house, acting like parents, but leading separate lives.

[Gardener]

Thinker,
I think you did/are doing great. Detached. Mysterious, and, yes, "Just the facts, Ma'am." Being everything you should be but "husbandly." Too much info, perhaps. Where'd you go? Out. Couple of drinks with a friend .

She doesn't like mysterious. She is threatened and seems a bit pursuing.
"If it does not pertain to kids, house, finances, I don't owe you any answers or explanations." perhaps?

Keep Going.


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