My atty thought I should mention it up front and present a total separation agreement to H when I tell him. Admittedly, he doesn't know all the background just yet. I don't have the proposal ready yet- I think I've been stalling and afraid to think about it. So maybe I don't need to in its totality? I should leave, and let the atty present it?
IMO, it s a VERY, VERY, bad idea to present that to him while you are still living with him. In fact, please do not even tell him you are leaving until you have the lease signed and have taken steps to insure he does not take all the money out of joint accounts, (like by removing your half for example) BEFORE you tell him. I think the closer to your move date the better. Deal with any settlement proposals AFTER you are out of the house.
I know you don't expect him to react in a violent way, but you haven't told him you are leaving him before either and he is abusive. You need to be ready for anything. Even nice people can get kinda nuts when they learn their spouse is leaving.
It is normal to second guess yourself. Divorce is a big step. I will tell you that it is very rare to see someone on the DB board get so little support to save a marriage, and so much encouragement to leave, as I have seen in your situation. I think that's because his abuse is so blatant and obvious to us. Unlike you, we have not been subjected to his manipulation over the years. It can skew your sense of reality.
