I went to church with then kids this morning along with my family. That was nice. They all came over to my house, cooked a big dinner and watched the first half of the football game. That was nice. It took my mind off things for a while.
But now it is quiet, the kids are napping and all I want to do is fix my marriage. I know, I know...2x4 to the side of the head, snap out of it, you will be okay, etc.. It's just one of those days.
My wife will be back in town tonight after visiting her dad. I don't expect anything positive, but there is always that little thought that MAYBE something changed. I know better and need to stop doing that.
I feel bad saying it, but I wish I could go out with some friends, watch some football and talk about something else. Instead the kids are asking me how we will handle Christmas. Who gets the Christmas tree? When are we baking cookies? Are we going to the museum after Christmas? God, I hate that. It is so hard not to get sad in front of them.
I can only hope that my wife gets the same thing when they are home. I can only hope that the holidays, in some way, make her reconsider.
I certainly don't blame her, I am a major reason we are where we are now. I honestly think that she is so angry mainly because she does see me changing, after begging for so long and asking me to. Now, when she said she had enough, I am changing.
I take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't filed. But that is more likely because of the holidays and the desire not to do so over the holidays. I wonder if she is just waiting to see how she does over the holidays, and when they are over, and she is still okay, she will file; knowing she will be okay too.
That is the tough part. We will both be ok; but I just feel like we are so much better together. We are stronger as a team then as individuals. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know.
Confused, Angry, Sad, Depressed and heartborken sums up my mood today.
