What I'm scared of his reaction to the thought of spousal support when I present it. His salary is more than 3x mine and with 20 years of marriage, he's on the hook. I expect to him to be very angry- I've read some of the reactions here of the LBS's to that and they're furious. I don't know the best way to present that part to him.
Whoooooaaaaa. Don't present anything like that to him. Let a lawyer do that. This is about you leaving. Not why you are leaving, not how you are leaving. Just that you are leaving. And I agree with Dudess, my opinion is not to tell him anything at all until you are ready and able to go. There is nothing in his past history to suggest that he will not try to manipulate you after this. I still don't think you should tell him until you are actually going to leave. If you have to do it sooner, then at least make sure you have somewhere to go.
Do not talk about money or support or any of that in persoN, alone, with him. Either do it through attorneys or do it all in email (in writing IOW). He will twist and manipulate and intimidate and make you doubt yourself. Keep it in writing.
My atty thought I should mention it up front and present a total separation agreement to H when I tell him. Admittedly, he doesn't know all the background just yet. I don't have the proposal ready yet- I think I've been stalling and afraid to think about it. So maybe I don't need to in its totality? I should leave, and let the atty present it?
Bunny, if he doesn't know the background, then you are getting general advice for a "normal" situation. You are NOT IN a normal situation. You are with an abuser. Your attorney has to be informed about this. Your H is not going to suddenly stop manipulating after you leave the house.
My reaction is that I would not present something like that alone with him.
I would like to get Bridgestone in on this, as she's been through some of it. I think she's out of town today though.
And I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it if you aren't ready to WALK OUT THE DOOR. Have you really thought about spending more time with him, days, for him to tell you every reason your separation "agreement" isn't right?
Glad to hear your not doing anything right now bunny! Personally working in IT myself at the end of a project Im completely run down and ready to blow not a good time to hit me with anything important! You take care hun!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I love you guys- Thank you! I was typing in the bathroom and shaking earlier. He went to take a nap, so I'm going to do some housework, calm down and look normal. I'll check in later.
You have gotten great advice. While I am not a D attorney, I am an attorney (trial lawyer). I echo that you should have your L dealing with the numbers, alimony, etc. That's why you are paying your L. And, please, please, please tell your L EVERYTHING - good and bad. His/her opinion is only as good as the information upon which it is based.
If there are any bad things on your part (not saying there are), then tell your L. There's an old saying that I don't mind getting hit by the train, as long as I know its coming. Your L needs to know everything.
And, have your escape plan already set up BEFORE you tell him you've had enough. It WON'T get easier after that point. Plan ahead. That's not devious, its being prudent.
If you're done, then ok. But make sure your decision is based on reasoned judgment, NOT EMOTION. The anger/hurt that generates that decision will go away. That's why we don't base a decision on our feelings. Just think it through.
