You call that venting? It sounded like a pretty calm and thought out breakdown of things! I really like the way you took responsibility for your acceptance of what went on for so long, but at the same time did not try to take responsibility for his part in things. The WAs you are complaining about don't seem to want any responsibility, where many LBs seem to try to take all the responsibility. I think you have it right!
I'm glad to hear you got your apartment assignment. I'll be even happier when you've signed!
You are not the same Bunny you were a few short months ago. I really like the way this new Bunny sounds! I've got a real hug I'm saving for you. You'll probably never get to collect it, but I'll be keeping it for you!
Warning- Venting post and graphic- feel free to ignore One bit of news- I got my apartment assignment yesterday. I might tell H this Sunday- I’ll see how it goes. I haven’t signed yet- that’s next week.
Good for you on holding on to your boundary. I'm glad there hasn't been any attempt at forcefully violating it. Venting? Nah. But a great, cogent update. Great news on the apartment. I forgrt: did you decide on when to tell him?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I think I might tell him on Sunday. I'm certainly feeling calmer and more ready to talk. (I'm surprisingly calm- my stomach hasn't been upset and I haven't gotten teary-eyed in nearly a week.) H is an IT guy and his dept. has a big project due tomorrow (Saturday), so I think I'll let him concentrate on that first, then talk to him. I think. But I can't chicken out- I have to tell him eventually. It's just every once in a while, I get that little nagging doubt: "Am I doing the right thing?" I gotta get that voice to shut up.
But I can't chicken out- I have to tell him eventually. It's just every once Bunny,in a while, I get that little nagging doubt: "Am I doing the right thing?" I gotta get that voice to shut up.
About an hour, hour and a half before you tell him, come on here. We'll buck you up, back you up, fire you up, and love you up!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Our discussion may not take place today after all. H had to go back to the office today since his team didn't get the project finished yesterday, and I have no idea when to expect him back. I'll see how he is when he gets home- I don't want to have that discussion if he's already upset about something else.
I laid out my issues in a previous post- namely failure to set boundaries regarding various issues that almost all tie into sex somehow. Let me now remind myself of H's issues to keep perspective- because it's not all about me! * Emotionally and verbally abusive, especially if challenged. These statements do not mesh with my reality, send me into "Does not compute mode" and put me into a vulnerable, susceptible position to conform to what he wants. "You distorted reality when you spoke at the MC. You presented yourself better than you really are, you're not that good." "You were so much better when you were on medication even if the C doesn't think you need it. I know you better than the C because she doesn't live with you every day" "You're not taking my concerns about you seriously" "If I say it's OK, why wouldn't you want to f*** other guys?" "Doesn't it make you feel good that all these other guys pay attention to you and want to sleep with you?" "I just need sexual variety (meaning partners) in my life- it has nothing to do with my love for you. It's nothing personal." "I may as well not go out to the club if you're not going. I don't stand a chance as a single guy there, we're usually only seriously considered if we have a female partner with us." "You were c***blocking tonight with your attitude and bad vibes! What's your problem?!? There were plenty of guys there that you could have done" "You're brainwashed by a society that says you can't sleep with other people besides your spouse. I said it's OK!" "I think it's so hot to watch you with another guy. I don't understand why you get upset when I'm with another woman."
*Physical aggression masked as playfulness or thoughtlessness I sometimes end up getting hurt when he starts being "playful". I tense up to protect myself, not reciprocate the playfulness. I've been hit in the face more than once when he's stealing my pillows, he kneed me in the mouth and split my lip while goofing around, he kicked me in the same leg that I had knee surgery on earlier in the day to get me to roll over when I was snoring, etc.
*Sexual entitlement If I'm not in the mood, he sees no reason why he should suffer. Only societal restrictions say we need to limit ourselves sexually to our spouse. Photographing other women without their knowledge. Not illegal, but certainly inappropriate and creepy! Sexual innuendo and comments at inappropriate situations.
*Projection of his own issues onto me Feelings of frustration at being an introvert. He highly desires to be more outgoing and social. Lashes and vents at me when pissed at other people. He avoids confrontations/discussions with the actual people he's upset with. Difficulty in recognizing/apologizing when he's hurt me emotionally or physically. He often gets mad that I'm upset so I try not to show that I'm hurting.
So there it stands. I have my issues, and he has his.
Bunny, I hope I don't sound like a broken record here, but I would HIGHLY urge you to put some kind of safeguard in place for tonight (or whenever). At least maybe tell someone what you're planning to do and arrange to call them to check in by a certain time to verify that you're all right.
Seeing your husband's past behavior laid out like this ... with the addition of taking pictures of other women w/o their knowledge or permission ... it all adds up to at the least a person who has very poor boundaries/respect for others. At the most, a predator who is a tragedy looking for a place to happen. Protect yourself.
I'm sure you do have issues of your own too -- don't we all -- but there's a reason that the general response of posters on this (divorce-busting) board has been much more supportive of your separation than they might generally be. Think about it.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
The WAS is focused mostly on the bad parts of the M. They rewrite history to suit their current emotional and mental state. They think back and only see the negatives and discount the positives as minor.
H has provided a financially stable, comfortable life for our family, and he has my gratitude and appreciation for that.. He's always had that. What I'm scared of his reaction to the thought of spousal support when I present it. His salary is more than 3x mine and with 20 years of marriage, he's on the hook. I expect to him to be very angry- I've read some of the reactions here of the LBS's to that and they're furious. I don't know the best way to present that part to him.
Bunny, initial thoughts. More later. -If you don't know when he's coming home nor what mood he'll be in, you'll be in react mode. Not the best time. Pick a quiet, "good mood" time and then do it -Arrange to have someone come by your house to visit about 60-90 minutes after you expect discussion to begin. You could also use a signal, like front light on -= help. Ring bell, come in -You are NOT WASing by focusing mostly on his bad side -The LESS said the better. Your reasons are fine. Examples not needed. -Damn, you might even have to give police a heads up if you're afraid that way you can call them if needed and give your name/address without going into details (sorry to sound scary/dramatic, here. When you're ready to do it, please post here and tell us, "OK, here I go" More later.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
