Question???

[TooLateForMe]

The WAS is focused mostly on the bad parts of the M. They rewrite history to suit their current emotional and mental state. They think back and only see the negatives and discount the positives as minor. They are convinced that since it has always been a dysfunctional R and that you haven't changed in that time you never will. You become a millstone around his or her neck stopping his or her future happiness.

This is why YOU change for yourself. And I don't know how to tell if my W has her head out of her @$$. I don't have mine out yet. In other words, get your life straightened out first and it will probably make a lot more sense. Hopefully.

Also, if your spouse is in MLC, he or she is trying to retreat back into his/her youth. I've had my own MLC and know how delusional it is. Instead of focusing on my problems and the problems in the dynamic of the R I thought the best answer was to end the R. That's why they call it a "fog" around here. The spouse is so lost in their new, pretend world that they don't see things as they really are.

My W got a mohawk (she was a punk rocker kid in the 80s), reconnected w/ a bunch of old friends (most of them guys), mishandled money (almost was evicted recently because she confused paydates--she was always the responsible one in the R), and goes out of town every weekend despite money issues. Would you trust this person to make rational, long-term R choices like getting a divorce?

But I can't control her, only me. So I'm identifying my issues in and out of our M and working on them every day. That's all I CAN do until she sees things rationally.

Identify your spouse's misconceptions. Don't argue w/ him, just say you understand. He may see you in a way you can't agree w/, but there is some truth (at least to him) in his viewpoint. I know from experience that discounting their feelings will convince them you can't change.

In other words, just hold out hope that it will make sense in the future. Behave rationally, sympathetically, honestly and confidently--even if you don't feel it. Fake it til you make it.

(Funny, why haven't I been doing that?? I guess you often get lost in the emotions. I should start following my own advice, huh?)