Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I saw this from Snodderly on another thread. I copied and pasted it into my thread so I can read and reread it when I got down.

"It all depends upon him and his issues. It could be another year or so, since he's suggesting the separation and/or divorce. Each case is different, but my personal thoughts are another year or so after the ink has dried on the documents.

The most important thing you have to remember is this, you cannot put all of your focus on the stages or time frames. Each individual person is different and there is no guarantee that he'll ever face all of his issues and deal w/them. It's important to accept him for the person he is today and know that you had the best years of his life w/him. If an ow is in the picture, she's getting second best right now.

He may even come across as being a happy camper, but the bottom line is this...who can be that happy leaving your spouse and children behind? What type of person can look at themselves in the mirror all of the time and not feel some guilt about what he/she's done? The darkness of night is when it all comes home to roost for there is nothing to keep his mind busy during that time.

SR, you cannot fix him or what he's going through. All you can do is work on yourself, be the best parent you can be, for you are going to have to be very strong in the days to come for your children. Yes, you will fall, and yes, we will be there to pick you up. Do not be afraid to cry for those times that it becomes unbearable or for the mistakes that you make along the way. Those moments will make you stronger once you can manage to let them go a bit and you will learn from them.

It's his journey...let him go. Your journey will be a different one, one that is full of awareness, self discovery, and yes, learning to live one minute at a time. At the end of your journey, you will discover that God and life do have a way of turning things around.

Make time today to spend w/your toddlers and do something new and different. It's time to start new traditions. One thing, please take care of yourself along the way."

[ClingingToHope]

Another thought before we pack up and head to the Dells. Snodderly also reminded me that the first six months for a WAS are very euphoric. They've been dreaming, perhaps for years, of what life would be like on their own and now they have it.

Meanwhile, the LBS is devastated. They usually fought as hard as possible to keep things together and they have to rebuild their lives, a process they wanted nothing to do with.

Sounds like me and a lot of us out there.

The euphoria for the WAS lasts about six months and that's when reality -- sometimes -- sets in. Bills, nights alone, housework, phone calls that they used to get help from or receive from the LBS are no longer there.

Meanwhile, the LBS is slowly realizing that life isn't so bad after all. Sure, the downs are hard and at times long lasting, but they realize they'll survive.

So that's where I'm at. These first six months have been my W's time. These next six months are mine. Winter is always tough on W, while I usually have no down times and I've got a lot of options this winter -- from friends in Chicago to basketball to throwing myself into my projects.

One thing I'll commit to everyone on this site. I will finish my book. I'm a Negro Leagues stats nut and in 2003 and 2004 I did about a year's worth of research on stats, collecting numbers from the Negro Leagues, Mexican Leagues, Cuban, Puerto Rican and California winter leagues.

All that's left is to write the book. So at the bottom of my threads beginning Tuesday I'll also post how many pages I've finished. Basically, I'd like to write two pages each time I sit down, which will likely be Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Have a nice Sunday everyone. For those of you who want to see, I'll post pics of the trip Tuesday on Facebook (Mishka). If anyone else would like to see, send me hints of how to friend you.

[mishka422]

I'll be watching for the pics CTH! I've always wanted to see the Dells. Someday.....

ENJOY!

[ClingingToHope]

Girls are just waking up at 9 a.m. I love the ultra thick curtains in hotel rooms.

Feel good. These are my six months. Who cares what's W's doing.

She called while we were in the car. She said, I see you called last night (at 10:30 p.m.), what did you need?

I told her that wasn't me, that was D10, would you like to speak to her?

Then I handed the phone to D10 and D7 and they talked for a bit.

And I honestly didn't think much about whether she was home Saturday or out.

These next six months are my time. I've got lunch tomorrow with someone and a trip to Chicago planned for the weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

Back from the Dells. Just dropped girls off at W's. We did not exchange looks. There's really nothing to say right now.

Because of the institute day and extra rehearsal last week, I had D10 Wednesday through last night and of course most of today. I'll get them again Wednesday night.

The trip was sooooooooooooooooooo much fun.

The best part though was once Saturday hit there were no down, mopey times for me. I really, really feel good about my focus right now. These next six months are my time to shine.

Once we hit Mother's Day, if nothing is different than it is today, then it's time to re-evaluate things. For now, I've just got to get through the holidays and then it's countdown to my Florida trip -- and of course, work, work, work to pay for it.

[awest1217]

Good to see you are doing well!

[ClingingToHope]

Just journaling. Back to work. Tuesday shower revelation. I'm not facing an EA or a PA with W. I'm facing a CA -- a conceptual affair. She keeps searching on Google and Facebook for her one serious boyfriend before we met.

Turns out he may be a doctor in a Chicago suburb. So that's close enough to dream about, but far away so that it's not right there to risk rejection.

In a way, that's worse. She has this dream of a relationship to think about rather than our failed M.

Just another realization that W's thoughts won't be turning my way for a long time, if ever.

Two things for me. I have lunch with a commercial Realtor who went through a divorce four years ago. We talked on the phone for an hour last week and it was a revelation. When I first talked to her two years ago, she came off as a total nutcase.

She was in the midst of recovering from her D.

Nothing serious Awest or Lucky. Just lunch. I just need more people to talk to.

Second thing, back to the CA. It makes me all the more determined to seek joint physical custody if we get to that point. Let's assume the worst-case scenario -- that she reconnects with this guy and wants to relocate there with the girls. No way I'm going from seeing them almost every day to an every other weekend dad.

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for reposting that blurb from Snodderly. It resonated with me as well. Glad to hear you had so much fun this weekend with your D's. It's just a good thing all the way around - you, your girls, everything! =)

haha, regarding your lunch, I don't think it's the best to be dating people when you are still trying to save your marriage, but there is nothing wrong with getting support from people who have been there before (men or women). But if you see if becoming more serious, you'll just really need to re-evaluate your goals.

It's hard to learn that W is looking around, but the good news is that nothing has happened yet. Just continue to be positive around her and to take care of yourself. Just watch out for being cold though - not sure how it's coming off in real life, but like when you said "Back from the Dells. Just dropped girls off at W's. We did not exchange looks." You definitely want to be detached and in control of your emotions, but not coming off as cold.

Well, I know you feel pretty bummed about the direction of your sitch, but it's not over til it's over, right. Keep it up! =)

[awest1217]

I agree 100% with Lucky!

[ClingingToHope]

Nice lunch today. Actually ended up sitting and talking for two hours. Thank God I have a flexible job.

Nice thing is I've expanded my social network even more. We're going to start running next week. She wants to get back into marathon shape. I just want to get into 10k shape.

Her main question to me was "how long?" How long do I wait on W, either to work on the M or to file myself?

That's the $1 million question. With her focusing on this dream guy it's likely going to be a long, long time, if ever. Perhaps it's already started. She's had a couple of mysterious appointments. The suburbs where this old boyfriend works is 90 minutes away. That's not much to drive.

We talked today for five minutes about D7 and I hear nothing in her voice any different today than six months ago.

I told my lunch date I can't answer the question definitively. I do know I'm going to give it another six months before even considering filing -- if she hasn't already. Three weeks ago I was thinking I'd be getting the papers any time.

It would be awfully hard for me to tell D10 that I filed for divorce.