Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

Ok. This is thinking on wine and some beer.

Personal family and friends that mean something to you or your ex.
See them inperson or talk to them on the phone. No emails. Phone and talk. And have this speech written out. And write out some common questions and answers that you will get.

Make sure you are mentioning that you are protecting your daughter if needed.
Do this exposure very quickly. Within 2 hours. If you cannot fit them in. They are not worth it. Its done. After this. You keep to what ever exposure story you stated. You do not add any details. And any personal details you keep to yourself or keep it to some very personal friends. I understand on how easy it is to spill the guts. Do not do this. Some pain is just personal. And should be kept this way.

Now the IM. Very important.
The day before you do all this. Explain everything to your IM. And ask for his/her opinion. Also explain your goals. Explain that it either saves your marriage or it does not. But it will heal your daughter and you. And if they do not agree to any of this. They are not an IM.

The IM is very important on this.

If your stronger than me. You will set up your email to forward all emails from WAS to IM. So you will no longer see any of that.

Next you need to have answers to your wayward. The carrot answer and the stick answer.

Mine are as follows.

Stick
" My wife's only goal is to keep an 8 year old apart from her mother and father. "
Carrot
" I love WAS very much. But she made some mistakes. Ones that I could not stand bye and watch. So I let her go to experience her mistakes. WE are mutual friends. I hope that you do not judge her or me on our actions during this difficult time. One day she will realize what she has done and she will need her friends. I will not be there to help her but I hope you can. As when you love someone you help where ever you can."


If you lead with the stick. Aways say the carrot right after.

Make sure you have a few variations of this carrot and stick.

Very important.
Trust me on this. It is very important. To loving detach will require this. Friends need to be able to see that you do not put them in between you both. Let her do this. You just show love towards a person who made a mistake. Nothing more. You love your daughter. No actions will cause harm to her.

I recommend you send her the no contact letter. And I recommend it gets written out here and agreed on. It needs to explain
1. That there is to be no contact.
2. That the IM will communicate the following info
3. That the following conditions must be met to start up communication again.

As you push your plan she will rebel against it. It goes against what she planned. Exposure will cause anger. This is a great time to test your growth.

Good luck. It is a hard path. One that I will say I have not see any relationship benifits. But personaly. I have saved my soul. I was beaten. Now I am not.

That is the cost of this. Its all in.

[chatterbug]

When you expose go necular. Do it quickly and to everyone at once.

[P17]

cutterbug, thanks for that. I am going to think about what you said before replying.

PDT, Sandi2 have you any comments or suggestions?

I am not a religious man, however my broadband stopped working yesterday morning and it appears to be a mystery as to why! As I was thinking of doing the email exposure this weekend, I think somebody up there was giving me a sign ...

As an observation, and as Ive had lots of time to think this weekend, the onlly thing that appears to have gotten any reaction from W is no longer being nice and available. So far Ive had a huff (which is still a reaction and more than I got before), enquiries into who I am with, whether I have girlfriend and her home telephone number and almost her email address (neither of which I thought she would ever give me). To top it all she has been snooping. And finally her text on Friday telling me she is working on Monday bt can make Wednesday is nothing more, I believe than an excuse to contact me as the contact next week was agreed upon weeks ago and she is METICULOUS with her Calendar.

I have driven past her twice this week on her way to and from her home at lunchtime. She usually goes back to take her dog out. If OM is there, why cant he do it!? Maybe he is away at the moment.

Anyway, just some more thought out on paper today (posted from my mobile phone).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am in agreement with Cutter. An amazingly thorough and coherent post for being under the influence of the grape and some hops.

I made the mistake of exposing sequentially -- to be "nice" and to hopefully get her to turn back away from the destructive path she was on (think the 3 days separating Hiroshima from Nagasaki). I should have done it all at once.

Puppy

[P17]

I dont know who his friends ARE other than those on Facebook. The only option I have is to expose it to them all.

Yeah or no?

Will try and come up with a script for calling those riends and family I know.

[chatterbug]

If you do not know them on a daily or weekly basis. Do not expose to them. They do not know you. It will do nothing to help your cause. Expose to those who love the both of you. The rest will find out as time marches on.

[P17]

If you do not know them on a daily or weekly basis. Do not expose to them. They do not know you. It will do nothing to help your cause. Expose to those who love the both of you. The rest will find out as time marches on.

I know nobody he knows as he is not from here. He moved up here to be with W. He is from an island which is a 6 hour drive away!

[P17]

I just wanted to share a text correspondence between me and W:

W:
I'm working on Monday but off on Wednesday so can make then. Let me know what time is best. Thanks.

Me:
Wednesday was already agreed when you sent me the dates list. 15.45 until 19.00.

W:
OK that's fine. I have found the book & case that goes with yr Mum's CD. I'll bring "17 again" for D & a wig for her then. Let me know if there's anything else she needs.

It's just so ANNOYING normal?! Like I haven't done anything wrong! This is a perfect example of why I need NC.

I am SO tempted to reply to the last text with "D has asked if you can bring her step-mum back and if she can work to becoming her loving family again'. I won't but it is tempting.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Just a quick observation. Your reply to her text (which seemed civil enough) just oozed anger. Just in that one little sentence. My mother would have called it "snippy". Nyah-nyah-nyah. Like a little kid.

IF all is not well in her little paradise and IF she may be showing some interest in you and what you are doing and who you may or may not be seeing, are you someone she would feel safe coming back to?

[P17]

Just a quick observation. Your reply to her text (which seemed civil enough) just oozed anger. Just in that one little sentence. My mother would have called it "snippy". Nyah-nyah-nyah. Like a little kid.

IF all is not well in her little paradise and IF she may be showing some interest in you and what you are doing and who you may or may not be seeing, are you someone she would feel safe coming back to?

My reply wasnt meant to come across as that. It is one of the reasons I hate texts. I already said to W to call me rather than text. She did it twice and then has gone back to texts. No more texts from me - calls only. Have left a vm asking W to do the same.

I was just trying to be civil and to the point with the text.

This is something that does cause me issues though. Being nice, caring and loving (read needy, weak and clingy) has helped to get me to this stage. All I want to do now is be civil and factual.