So I hear a lot that you can't trust anything that the say and only half of what they do. So if you can't trust anything they say how will you know when it is working?? And since you can't trust how they act, how are you suppose to know what is going on with them?? Very confused about that. And why is it that you can't trust anything they say?? I think some of the things people say are very true. Thanks
I think the key point in that saying is that you don't want to let what they say or do control you too much. You don't want to get discouraged over one comment or action.
Not believing what they say.... I think they even believe it, when they say it. So, from that point of view, it is true. But, at the same time, they are often very confused. So what is true today might not be true tomorrow.
On top of that, if there is an OP involved, it's almost certain that there is out and out lying going on besides.
As far as believing their actions, I think the key is not to place much stock in individual actions. Rather, you are watching for patterns over the long haul. And that's also how you start to get a feeling for what's working.
How are you supposed to know what's going on with them? From all the situations I've read here, you just can't do it. Tea leaves might help, I guess. Since you can't know what's going on with them, you need to stop focusing on them, and really move your focus to yourself.
The WAS is focused mostly on the bad parts of the M. They rewrite history to suit their current emotional and mental state. They think back and only see the negatives and discount the positives as minor. They are convinced that since it has always been a dysfunctional R and that you haven't changed in that time you never will. You become a millstone around his or her neck stopping his or her future happiness.
This is why YOU change for yourself. And I don't know how to tell if my W has her head out of her @$$. I don't have mine out yet. In other words, get your life straightened out first and it will probably make a lot more sense. Hopefully.
Also, if your spouse is in MLC, he or she is trying to retreat back into his/her youth. I've had my own MLC and know how delusional it is. Instead of focusing on my problems and the problems in the dynamic of the R I thought the best answer was to end the R. That's why they call it a "fog" around here. The spouse is so lost in their new, pretend world that they don't see things as they really are.
My W got a mohawk (she was a punk rocker kid in the 80s), reconnected w/ a bunch of old friends (most of them guys), mishandled money (almost was evicted recently because she confused paydates--she was always the responsible one in the R), and goes out of town every weekend despite money issues. Would you trust this person to make rational, long-term R choices like getting a divorce?
But I can't control her, only me. So I'm identifying my issues in and out of our M and working on them every day. That's all I CAN do until she sees things rationally.
Identify your spouse's misconceptions. Don't argue w/ him, just say you understand. He may see you in a way you can't agree w/, but there is some truth (at least to him) in his viewpoint. I know from experience that discounting their feelings will convince them you can't change.
In other words, just hold out hope that it will make sense in the future. Behave rationally, sympathetically, honestly and confidently--even if you don't feel it. Fake it til you make it.
(Funny, why haven't I been doing that?? I guess you often get lost in the emotions. I should start following my own advice, huh?)
Last edited by Mark Evolving; 11/15/0906:26 PM.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
So I hear a lot that you can't trust anything that the say and only half of what they do. So if you can't trust anything they say how will you know when it is working?? And since you can't trust how they act, how are you suppose to know what is going on with them?? Very confused about that. And why is it that you can't trust anything they say?? I think some of the things people say are very true. Thanks
I personally dont believe the idea "that you can't trust anything that the say and only half of what they do."
If someone says to you, "I dont love you anymore" then take that at face value, they are not in love you. Believe them.
If someone says to you, "I hate you" then they have some anger issues directly related to you. Believe them.
If someone says to you, "You might as well get it somewhere else I am not having sex with you anymore." Believe them. You are not hopping in the sack anytime soon with them.
If you are hearing these things and they are upsetting you then its time to evalulate your co-dependence and yourself as an individual. Know yourself. Develop confidence in yourself. Self respect. Realize what makes you happy. Because you alone are responsible for your happiness, not someones elses love.
How can you know when "its" working? When hearing these things does not effect you emotionally.
