Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

benotafraid,

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Your situation is very similar to mine, but a stage on from where mine went. I think I was very lucky that I realised what I wanted from my M and made my changes whilst my H was still at home and so he could see they were for real. That is why he came clean about the A.

Sometimes we are just plain lucky in our timing.

He says they dont even have sex very often and its not about that? It seems to be most about his emotional needs. Thats why I am trying to be very non demanding and not bringng up negative emotions.

This is pretty much word for word what my H said. I completely believe him too. Actually, the physical side between them was pretty bad- partly I think from his guilt. OW was the one that pressed for things to be physical.

Because it was attention and friendship that my H was looking for I thought it very important that he knew how much I did want to be with him. When I talk about 'fighting' for him, I am not literally talking about arguing/ fighting, (although some of that did happen), but I am talking about making sure he knew how much I loved him and how I WANTED to be with him. I know if I had not let him know how much I wanted the M he would have just walked. He sort of had a time scale in mind and OW definitely had as she had already left her H and children. I get the feeling you have let your H know how you feel though.

Apart from having abandoned her own young children, I think my H's OW could have been seen to be like your H's; she was the one with the drive and the ambition in her family.

He generally just lets things happen when it comes to R.

So did my H - which was why OW was making it easy for him. She was sorting it all out and he was following along - but at the last minute, when he saw what was hapening with me, he couldn't do it. Don't give up hope.

Interestingly, when I find out about OW, my H's staff, who had known about the A from the start and had all kept quiet about it until I knew,suddenly became very opinionated about the A and OW. They had felt very threatened by her and the R that was happening. They were very relieved when OW left and the A finished.

If your H is showing you OW's texts I would assume that he would show her communications from you. I expect that in the relief of everything coming out your H is showing everyone everything.

Remember, OW is not better than you. I had been demonised by my H to OW in gentle terms over the period of the A . He had voiced his dissatisfactions and then she had picked them up and run with them. In order to be able to have an A, my H had had to justify it to himself and make me into MORE of a bad guy. It hurt. We had both done things in our M that weren't good. It was amazing how quickly he remembered how much love we had though once he made the decision that us staying together was the right thing. He has never looked back and now he is very ashamed about what happened. I am telling you this to let you know there is hope and things CAN change.

However you approach the situation, be true to yourself and hold your head up high. Take the high road. Be accountable to your conscience in your actions.

You actually sound very together, even if you don't feel it. Having a DB C can only help. The fact that he say's he is wavering is a good sign. You know your H and we don't. I knew my H and approached things the way I felt was right. Somethings I did were down right stupid and I didn't think before I did them.

It sounds to me like your H is wanting to go wherever he will be appreciated the most. OW may have the advantage that she is with him more etc, but she is disadvantaged in that she doesn't have the history of years with your H and she is not the mother of your children. You need your H to remember why he M'd you in the first place.