A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

I have been reading through the sitches here, doing a lot of thinking, and today in Church, the Homily seemed to connect some dots for me reflection wise. So I’m kind of journaling some of this here, knowing I have read and perhaps seen far less than many of you on here. In books, articles, life experiences.

So these are just simple musings, no offense meant. So much pain on these forums, so much rejection, fear, disappointment, helplessness, anger. Balanced of course by equal input of hope, care, support, advice, and yes even love!

Seems to me all the negative stuff can be boiled down to one simple thing: “X doesn’t love me”; where X is the want away spouse / partner. I’m serious, or am I seriously naïve?

The statement has 2 separate parts and implications. The first (and the core) is that I as the LBS am now placed in the position of being unworthy, unloved, rejected, disrespected, without value – in general. I’m robbed of stability, direction and self-worth. The second is that X is now incapable of loving me, a love that I need, that I want, that I want back.

Sitches can take on a million complexions. There may be an OP, or not. Divorce could be threatened, or not. There could be kids, or not. There might be abuse, or not. We could be living in the same house/room, or not. We could be man or woman, straight or not. Still the same basic proposition. Still roughly the same range of negative emotions that are stirred up. The outrage, the shock, the fear … ad nauseam.

And the advice along DB principles are also pretty much standard prescription, and the best chance the LBS is gonna get. Detach, and GAL. And it struck me that these address the 2 parts I mentioned.

Detach, do not let X’s inability or unwillingness to love you affect you, wreck your life, turn you into a drooling, reactive zombie. Accept you do not control X’s feelings, choices, and directions in life.

GAL, because you need to dig deep within, see your core and your value as a person, worthy of love, respect, and everything that comes with it. And this is about you as a person, on your own merit being simply you.

Pretty straightforward, except that it isn’t of course. Even shorn of the tactical complications of each sitch, detaching and GALing conceptually and in real life are different animals, and the one we deal with is the uncaged, wild, and unpredictable one.

And we talk about the WAS fog, we LBSs. And how many of us see the LBS fog? We lament how the wayward is investing time in that which is delusion, unreal, impermanent, senseless, beneath us. And deep, deep down, how many of us are as fixated on and get our fixes from, the hope or illusion that our spouse will wake up, can love us, WILL love us again? We have morality, ethics, and the sense of right on our side, and we stridently do 180s, go “Gucci”, detach, GAL, because it is for “us”. Really? Is that why we need to post so regularly, even obsessively? Is that why, in defending our mojo, reclaiming our nads, seeing the fabulous person we really are, each and every one of us, still there is that hollow tinge of pain at times?

Each of you can answer for yourself, to yourself.

Also - no person is an island, we’re not made that way. We have gotten too used to letting X define and validate our core, our value. That’s why it is such a hurt and a shock when it gets thrown back in our faces. And as you detach, and GAL, I think affirmation and validation will come if you allow it. Not from your WAS, because you’re “doing it for you”. It’s perhaps a part of the Gucci / Robx / Steve method.

I look at some posts over the last 24 hours, including GIMA’s and I see elements of what I am posting.

And I’m musing here, I don’t have any answers, perhaps I didn’t even have questions. Perhaps the simple point is LBS should not let what robbed their WAS of the ability to love them, also rob their own self-love, or their capacity to be loved.

And this can be seen from every reply and every view of every thread you post, to paraphrase Gardener.