Hi Friends, I hope everyone is having a nice Sunday so far! I've been doing ok/fine...getting used to being on my own more and more I guess. Busy traveling w work, going out w friends a lot, going dancing, being social, having fun. Went out to a club Fri w some girlfriends and had a blast, but yes, still end of night come home missing my husband - having someone - and him, specifically - to come home to. For some reason this particular venue and music reminded me of when we first started dating, and how fun he was and wonderful w all of our mutual friends in common, going out together. I guess these memories will come and go for awhile. Sometimes they are positive and nostalgic about 'old H', sometimes I feel angry and bitter and 'new H' and the person he has become.
Was in SF last weekend, feeling mellow out there. I have decided that I need to start getting my move in order...I cannot stay here indefintely on the east coast in his world. I've been trying to figure out do we get things in progress beforehand, or do I move first w unfinished business here (i.e. we're sitll married), but I think I need to start thinking more realistically about both. I've been feeling more angry lately, about the fact that he's been out of our home for 1 year exactly, and basically moved on to a totally different life with hardly any contact. I've been frustrated, wanting to contact him so we can 'deal' w our situation, but wanting him to initiate.
He finally did email this week, simple nice email asking again, as he tends to do "what's my schedule like across next couple weeks" but then doesn't propose anything. At this point, we need to meet, we need to deal w this situation (as an aside, I have finally gotten guys to call 2 lawyers and a mediator to prepare and educate myself about this process). So I told him busy during week but around next weekend. No response. I will email him in a couple days to see if next Sunday works. Yes, maybe it's me initiating but I'm gone 3 weeks after, then it's Xmas and i'll be in CA through mid-Jan...we've gotta have a face to face in my opinion and I want some answers. If we're going through w this process, how should we proceed.
Which begs another issue. I guess I'm feeling bitter. I have supported him fully last 2 years while he's been in school, and prior to that I definitely contributed more to household. I've been working about 80 hrs/week these past 7-8 years we've been together. So now I'm feeling, gosh, it would be nice for ME to go back to school and have him support/contribute, or be able to be home more...yes I could scale back but it would mean change in lifestyle...meanwhile he'll be making big bucks across next few years. BUT I don't want to get ugly, and frankly I'm not interested in coming after him for $$ (I would much rather have him go to counseling, even if this ends), and my primary concern has been protecting my own assets so he doesn't think he can come after any of my savings. I do feel he wants to be amicable and civil about this and walk away each w what is our own (which some lawyers have told me I should consider that a win, and just focus on rebuilding me life)...and I do think from an emotional/healing perspective, that's definitely more the right call, than having some nasty drag out fight. I don't want that.
Nonetheless, it's forcing me to think hard about my life and if I want to keep of this pace of my work (which I'm sure has been hard in and of itself on our marriage...i would give that up in a heartbeat to work on us, and he knows that, but that's an aside)...as for now I do need to keep it since i'm the only one supporting myself, need the income/insurnace etc and bills ahead w move, etc. My mom keeps saying 'well who's gonna pay lawyer/mediator fees' as if H should (since he was the one that left and wanted the D) but I don't think it matters. It's not the $ that I even care about, it's the prinicple...but hey, I keep telling myself, life isn't fair sometimes. Just do what's ethically the most right thing, still try to have compassion for him (if I can), and focus on self and building things back up again.
I know it's a process. I know there are other fish in the sea. The positive memories from the past sometimes just overcome me. Like when in SF last weekend, I was feeling really good and happy, and part of me felt 'gosh, the only thing that would really take me to the next level would be H'... and it wasn;t a place of need it was a place of already being content w myself and wanting him in the picture as well (which is opposite of when we first met, I was feeling a little vulnerable and he was my 'savior' in some ways). The irony is I've done so much self-work across this past year and am such a stronger person, and more fun too like I used to be...I'm more the woman my husband was initially attracted to and it's just too late. Timing.
So we'll meet next Sunday. I'd welcome any suggestions but don't know if it's worth playing the 'don't initiate R discussions'-DB theme again since I've been doing this for months and nothing has changed. I think it may be time to switch gears. I need to be direct and strong, yet still would like him to sit down w a 3rd party w me (counselor, retreat), yet doubtful about his willingness. The one way I think it would/could help tremendously is that we need to COMMUNICAte regardless as we go through this process - even of ending - and it's hard if we can't even do that.
