I'm trying. It has been 6 weeks and I'm not comfortable yet. I still wake up with that pit in my stomach. I look around my house and at my two boys and feel like crawling in a hole (with them of course). I have been trying to keep busy as much as possible and I feel like I'm doing a good job, but there are just those moments that make me feel sick to my stomach.
Off to my nephews birthday party today on H's side. He is working but will most likely stop in for a few minutes. Just looking to be detached as much as possible when he arrives. It will be there first time I will be with his whole family and him since he left. Quite nervous on how he is going to act towards me and vice versa.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Britt I haven't posted to you before. I read your sitch yesterday. Here are your goals for today at the party:
1) I'm going to go there and be happy. I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me down. 2) I'm going to enjoy myself and see people I haven't seen in a while. 3) I don't care about H, what he does and how he's going to act. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM, it's his. 4) I will not enter into nor entertain any conversation about my relationship or marriage with anyone. When the subject comes up I'm going to say, "I'm doing fine. Oh, that's such a boring subject! What have you been up to? How is _______"
Keep it simple. Have fun, if you can't then fake it until you make it.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
So the party was okay. I had a good time. H showed up at the beginning. I was in a good mood having a good time. It was all good until my S3 wasn't being very friendly to him at all. Which is unusual as he is a daddy's boy. H asked me what was up and I told him that S3 is having a hard time lately. He woke up last night crying asking me why daddy doesn't want to come home and be a family with us anymore. Its heartbreaking. It broke my heart and I as much as we think our 3 yr old doesn't know what is going on, he does. So I told H what he said and he replied " Well he's only 3, he doesn't get it. It is what it is, so next time tell him Daddy doesn't live here anymore and that's it" Since when did my H turn into the most cold, insensitive person in world? Especially when it comes to his own little boy? Ugh, I really didn't know what to say so I ignored it and wandered off to my other S1. I tried to keep my distance from him, but he kept coming to sit by me. It was like he wanted to show his family that we are still "civil" and still "get along" and that he isn't the bad guy. He was only there for maybe 20 min. as he is a police officer and got called out to a call.
About an hour later he called the house to apologize for running out, talked to his brother. Fine, doesn't matter to me. Of course BIL comes on over to me to relay the message. I am leaving and check my cell, and there's a call from him. I ignore it.
I get home from the party and he calls the house, he calls the cell. I ignore it. We have a good afternoon playing, and I turn the lights off upstairs and play down with the boys. The thing is I live in a very small city. I live 5 minutes from his place of work, and 10 min. from his sisters, so when he wants to see if I'm home all he has to do is drive by. Well about 2 hours later, there is a call on my cell from him again! I ignore it. This time he doesn't call the house. Obviously cause he drove by and saw the lights were off. He's been known to drive by since he left. Needs to know my business, but doesn't want to be a part of it. Make sense? Not really. Oh well, he hasn't called since. But I am at the point where I have the boys for 3 more days, so he obviously doesn't need to make plans about the children so why do I need to talk to him? I don't. I will never heal and get over this if I have contact every single day. I'm not going to be his sounding board if he's having a bad day at work. Its a package deal. If he needs me for some reason, then he needs to come home in order to have any part of me. Period.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Gnosis, thanks for the tips. I followed every single one. I was bubbly, had a good time.
Nobody brought up the sitch thank goodness. I think they knew it was not the time or place.
I didn't care about H while he was there, I continued to visit with others, when he sat by me, I ignored him unless he spoke directly to me, which I couldn't get out of, and it was good.
Of course its hard to see my SIL and BIL's happy families and I'm their with my boys and no H. But I have to get used to that. It is hard sometimes and there were moments where I did have to fake it, I think there will be for a while. But it is what it is.
R2C, dead on. My mind is definitely my worst enemy. I let it get the best of me quite often. Even after the party I came home and played with the boys for a while. Then start thinking about things then end up crying on the couch. Its easy to clean it when I'm out. But sometimes being at home in OUR home is hard. But hey, I can't be gone constantly. I have to start being okay with being at home, in OUR home. As soon as I start to "think" I get sad, so ya feeling definitely follow. Good point.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Sounds like you functioned well at the party. Kudos to you. However, you must be exhausted from all that. Be sure to try and get some sleep tonight.
I think your H's response to the S3 sitch at the party stemmed from the fact that he doesn't want to see how his choice as a WAS affects not only you but others as well. He probably just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Ya, that does make sense. He hasn't had to deal with the repercussions of S3 cause he only has these moments "at home" when he realizes somethings different. H is only with him "outside" the home, so S3 never brings it up there. So because of this he doesn't know how to handle it. good point.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
So the party was okay. I had a good time. H showed up at the beginning. I was in a good mood having a good time. It was all good until my S3 wasn't being very friendly to him at all. Which is unusual as he is a daddy's boy. H asked me what was up and I told him that S3 is having a hard time lately. He woke up last night crying asking me why daddy doesn't want to come home and be a family with us anymore. Its heartbreaking. It broke my heart and I as much as we think our 3 yr old doesn't know what is going on, he does. So I told H what he said and he replied " Well he's only 3, he doesn't get it. It is what it is, so next time tell him Daddy doesn't live here anymore and that's it" Since when did my H turn into the most cold, insensitive person in world? Especially when it comes to his own little boy? Ugh, I really didn't know what to say so I ignored it and wandered off to my other S1. I tried to keep my distance from him, but he kept coming to sit by me. It was like he wanted to show his family that we are still "civil" and still "get along" and that he isn't the bad guy. He was only there for maybe 20 min. as he is a police officer and got called out to a call.
About an hour later he called the house to apologize for running out, talked to his brother. Fine, doesn't matter to me. Of course BIL comes on over to me to relay the message. I am leaving and check my cell, and there's a call from him. I ignore it.
I get home from the party and he calls the house, he calls the cell. I ignore it. We have a good afternoon playing, and I turn the lights off upstairs and play down with the boys. The thing is I live in a very small city. I live 5 minutes from his place of work, and 10 min. from his sisters, so when he wants to see if I'm home all he has to do is drive by. Well about 2 hours later, there is a call on my cell from him again! I ignore it. This time he doesn't call the house. Obviously cause he drove by and saw the lights were off. He's been known to drive by since he left. Needs to know my business, but doesn't want to be a part of it. Make sense? Not really. Oh well, he hasn't called since. But I am at the point where I have the boys for 3 more days, so he obviously doesn't need to make plans about the children so why do I need to talk to him? I don't. I will never heal and get over this if I have contact every single day. I'm not going to be his sounding board if he's having a bad day at work. Its a package deal. If he needs me for some reason, then he needs to come home in order to have any part of me. Period.
Nicely done, Britt.
btw, the next time he says something like he did about S3 (which I agree, was horrible!), try this one, which was one of my faves:
Shake your head, stare at him incredulously, and just say -- very clearly -- "Unbelievable."
