Toddlers do not yet know, I would like them to know where H will be so they will understand their new world, soon enough that one will come up. Otherwise, they are happy there are a few more easy meals than normal.
I am still working on getting my planning thoughts in order, any suggestions to anything will be well recieved! Being stuck in the depths of limbo can be just as painful as the bomb some days.
TF,
The old which half of what they say to believe? Nothing but also everything?
So a summary of the main points as I see my sitch right now:
H has had his running shoes one for 12 months. He has said during this time he has tried to work on things, but has never seriously been open to anything like dating, MC, trying to work things out. During the last 6 months, we have become almost good friends again, whenever we have gained another friendship / relationship level, H has hit me with a bomb a couple of weeks later. He has been so certain leaving is the answer, and although especially during the last six months we have had many small "moments" he will physically flinch and stop them from continuing, or mutter, "this does not feel right / makes me feel guilty".
There is an x factor (ow?) that I am not yet aware about. It is possible something happened for a few months earlier this year when in his mind he was "separated". Might still be around which would explain his current actions. When he moves out he wants to live in my suburb, not in the next city where he has been spending his missing time.
He certainly has it in his head he needs to move out despite seeing amazing changes in me for the classic WAH reasons.
I have gotten him to call this a trial separation although we are formally splitting everything we own up now too. He wants us to spend xmas together for the kids and also be there for their birthdays together the months after xmas.
My immediate problem is how to interact with H once he moves out. I will be much firmer with boundaries with kids, no more coming and going, commit to days in advance etc. Thats easy enough. Thoughts for me are to go nicely dark, give NO information as to what I am up to anymore, keep very busy which I want to do for myself anyway. I need to give him the chance to really miss me. But how to balance keeping the connection going as well? Should I drop off toddlers at third party, or let him pick them up at my place? Should I let him come inside or leave him waiting on the road for them? What other stuff like this do I need to consider now?
I am pretty sure I have just found evidence H has been having an affair since at least March this year.
Can anyone who has been following my sitch give me any feedback as to if they think my H is just a WAH or if he might actually be MLC, if such thing exists???
Storm Rider, I am so sorry to read that he's on the train bound for no where at this time. From all that you have posted, your h could very well be in MLC and is still in replay. Wanting a sepation/divorce is par for course for most of them. It's the only way that they can see themselves moving ahead and not having the full responsibility of being a spouse and a parent. It's their way of telling us it is over and that we need to move on as well. I don't see him moving further along until the "separation and/or divorce" are final. He's in a holding pattern right now. Once the papers are signed, he most likely will begin to act like a bird who has been released, i.e., the euphoria will be an extreme high for him. However, that will only last for a period of about 6 months.
Review your documents well...ensure that you and your toddlers are well taken care of in the style in which you have been living w/your h around. This is your opportunity to be specific as to what you and your toddlers require in life. You will also need to set some boundaries once all of this has been taken care of.
I realize that you would rather have him home w/you and your family, but he's not the man you knew and it would be entirely too stressful on you and your children to have him there w/you while he's searching for himself. Live your life to the fullest, but you can leave the door ajar in case he wakes up and wants to reconcile w/you. Ultimately, it will be your decision as to whether you want him back if and when he comes knocking on your door.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for giving me your thoughts on my sitch, especially what to expect for the next six months or so. I know there is no clear answer, but do you have any thoughts as to how much longer his replay might last in total given his previous behavior?
It all depends upon him and his issues. It could be another year or so, since he's suggesting the separation and/or divorce. Each case is different, but my personal thoughts are another year or so after the ink has dried on the documents.
The most important thing you have to remember is this, you cannot put all of your focus on the stages or time frames. Each individual person is different and there is no guarantee that he'll ever face all of his issues and deal w/them. It's important to accept him for the person he is today and know that you had the best years of his life w/him. If an ow is in the picture, she's getting second best right now.
He may even come across as being a happy camper, but the bottom line is this...who can be that happy leaving your spouse and children behind? What type of person can look at themselves in the mirror all of the time and not feel some guilt about what he/she's done? The darkness of night is when it all comes home to roost for there is nothing to keep his mind busy during that time.
SR, you cannot fix him or what he's going through. All you can do is work on yourself, be the best parent you can be, for you are going to have to be very strong in the days to come for your children. Yes, you will fall, and yes, we will be there to pick you up. Do not be afraid to cry for those times that it becomes unbearable or for the mistakes that you make along the way. Those moments will make you stronger once you can manage to let them go a bit and you will learn from them.
It's his journey...let him go. Your journey will be a different one, one that is full of awareness, self discovery, and yes, learning to live one minute at a time. At the end of your journey, you will discover that God and life do have a way of turning things around.
Make time today to spend w/your toddlers and do something new and different. It's time to start new traditions. One thing, please take care of yourself along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do understand he has to work it out for himself on his timeframe, as much as I am one of lifes fixers. Where I am, divorce can occur 12 months after separation, I guess I was trying to get a feel for how he might be placed around then. I know he is not happy now, and he has shown me through small windows that he feels terrible about what he is doing. I will be able to let him go (with back slides of course), but it hurts that he never gave us a chance to right it, even though I understand he is not in a position to do so right now.
I am ready to move my life in new directions, and I see big periods of change in my life as big opportunities for me too. It has not been an easy week, and I think I have used up all my tears for this month already, but I have much to keep me busy at the moment now, so that will help.
I have taken my toddlers to a grown up cafe for breakfast this morning (a treat for them), and we hit the playgrounds on the way home. We had a picnic in the living room for lunch and spent the afternoon with toys from the rainy day cupboard, although I have been distracted. Thankfully H has travelled a lot for work so we are all used to routines when he is not around.
I am exercising a few times a week, and have set a goal to gate crash as many xmas parties as I can, as well as identified two new sports clubs we can all go to. I am aware I am actually very fortunate compared to many others, and are thankful that my sitch is not worse.
I am so sorry to hear about your recent turn of events. It does seem like pretty much all of the MLCers really need to be cut loose to come to terms with everything and finally face their issues. It has put me on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop here . . .
You are doing a great job being a wonderful mom to your babies even though I know right now as you say you are distracted. YOU get to be the one they know as the dependable one, the strong one, and the one who showed them love. At least we have that, right? And you will be the one to demonstrate how to get through hardship with dignity and grace.
SR, From your posting, it appears that you are doing well. I think one of the reasons is that your h travels quite a bit so you and the little ones have had to learn how to do things on your own. This is great!
There is no way to figure out where he will be in 12 months. I suspect that he may push for the divorce all of the way. Once they start the ball rolling, it's almost like they don't know how to turn things around and stop the ball. I would plan for the worse and hope for the best.
I'm very, very sorry to have read about what is on his mind these days.
Please take care of yourself and your toddlers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
