Saffie, the way I feel right now there is no chance I will choose not to want him. In fact, as Puppy has said--I am not dealing very well yet with the opposite. I am not really detaching at all--at least the last few days have been very hard. Just when I think I am doing better--I realize I am not GAL just for me but to make myself more attractive to him.
I am going to let the DB counselor work with him for awhile before pulling the "bandaid" off. It has only been 2 months since he moved out and I found out about the A. I can take a little more pain and time before I start "to heal"--I think. During our C sessions together that whole day this Friday, she (C)talked alot about going with morals and values that dont change and not our feelings. I am choosing to trust that she can get him to explore his feelings and conflicts. She did talk to him about what it would take, feel like, what would he need to have in place to stop the A--but in very general terms as she had to work from the perspective of helping the kids deal
I keep asking myself when are the endorphins going to wear off?--its been 2 years EA, 1 1/2 years of the PA? He says they dont even have sex very often and its not about that? It seems to be most about his emotional needs. Thats why I am trying to be very non demanding and not bringng up negative emotions.
I dont think my H is going to carry on foreve in Limbo land because even tho he wants to be the nice guy and not hurt anybody--he finally did make a huge step to not be the nice guy and moved out. His action with this --rather than the 2 years of inaction are what frighten me the most. He generally just lets things happen when it comes to R. I think he has a very specific time table of 6 months -not limbo forever (4 months now) when his lease is up. I have lawyer and other stuff in place to deal with that but I do feel like I have that time and should not be demanding or pushing for a decision as she isnt. OW is very very smart and in love. THis is not some trashy woman but a really together person who has had to pretty much be supermom, work a lot, do everything for her 3 adult girls growing up as her H just worked and came home/didnt participate much in kids activities like mine did, get her master's degree, has a very great positive attitude and has had 2 years of my H telling her what doesnt work for him. And boy does she have it right. She is not escalating her demands --in fact what he has said she is not demanding anything and the few text messages I was able to see--she actually is doing a form of divorce busting --only its marraige busting. He invited her for dinner (for the next day) the night before our 6 hour counselling and she texted him back that he and I would probably be very tired and hungry on the 1 1/2 hour drive home and we should stop and get something to eat together. (not the text of a woman who is fearful or demanding)She also texted him in the morning to say she hoped the C went well ( He agreed to C only to help with the kids anger). He feels no pressure from her and has said so. Being around her is so easy and light he says. She is not jealous. She doesnt talk about heavy things-they watch TV and sports and laugh at gameshows--talk about how to make work the best it can be (she is his office manager) as this is one of his passions-his work.
I really appreciate your posting and suggestions Saffie as well as Puppy's perspective. I dont feel so alone in all this. Sadly, I probably will be second guessing myself in 4 months saying I should have followed your advice more closely. I am feeling really down this weekend after the C session. I dont know if it was being with him for 10 hours--so near yet so far away or having it reinforced that he only is with me when he has to be but sees her all week and 2 or 3 nights after work.
So I demand he make a choice? He has said repeatedly he doesnt trust I have really changed, that he needs time, that he doesnt have any spark for me like he does for her, and he is already out of the house.
I could try emailing him to talk. I think he might be showing it to her if I did.
