Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

But the bad news is he is now so invested in the A that he doesnt want to hurt her. He does not have feelings (except he still cares, ILYBIDLY)for me but he does for her and is not ready to give her up. He does not want to hurt her. He is in the deciding mode about what to do and I believe if kids werent somewhat important to him the decision would be made for her.

OK, my H did not actually leave the marital home but to all intents and purposes other things are VERY similar.

Youur H, IMO is in the ILYBINILWY mode because of the endorphins etc that are keeping him in OW's thrawl and also which stop him being able to see consequences etc. If he tries to look at the long term consequences he will fall apart. He doesn't want to hurt anyone but by acting how he is doing he is being very selfish and hurting everyone.

You can either carry on like this with everyone hurting and waiting at a 'lower grade level', which I liken to pulling off a band aid slowly, or you can push him to make a decision which will make for a quicker, more damatic and sharper resolution, but the pain will be over quicker, like pulling off a band aid faster; and then healing for all concerned can start sooner? Well, that's what happened with my H.

I hadn't found DB at that time though and what I am talking about is just from MY personal experience.

My H did not want to be seen as the bad boy - duh! What was good about having an A - someone was going to get hurt - but he was too invested in self soothing to see that at the time.

I dealt quite a bit by email with my H during this period, even though we lived under the same roof and slept in the same bed. It meant I could take my time in thinking about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. It also gave my H a chance to re read what I had said and think about it. There could be days between responses sometimes.

I truly understand where you are coming from, and I can see why you are choosing the path you are. My gut tells me you are going to give your H all the time he wants to make 'his' choice and that is YOUR choice. If you think that is what will work then go for it.

My big fear is that whilst waiting for him to choose you will start to not want him. You will convince youself that he will probably not choose you, or if he does it will be for the wrong reasons, (that he wants to not upset the kids, not that he wants to be with you), and so instead of waiting to be rejected you will decide you don't want this M either. It will all linger on with no resolution and you husband continues to exist in the middle until you or OW makes the decision for him - therefore he is not the bad guy as he is not the one that made the decision. Is that right that he should be able to play it that way? Either way he will likely end up with a warm body next to him whilst either you or OW has paid such a high emotional price.

Just some thoughts for you.

He will do anything to avoid hurting peoples feelings, conflict, negative emotions and it is a lifelong pattern

And I believe you are continuing to let him act this way. My H would have carried on forever in limbo land if I would have let him. I hope C/ T enables him to see that actually how he is behaving hurts people more. He needs to grow some balls.