Personal family and friends that mean something to you or your ex. See them inperson or talk to them on the phone. No emails. Phone and talk. And have this speech written out. And write out some common questions and answers that you will get.
Make sure you are mentioning that you are protecting your daughter if needed. Do this exposure very quickly. Within 2 hours. If you cannot fit them in. They are not worth it. Its done. After this. You keep to what ever exposure story you stated. You do not add any details. And any personal details you keep to yourself or keep it to some very personal friends. I understand on how easy it is to spill the guts. Do not do this. Some pain is just personal. And should be kept this way.
Now the IM. Very important. The day before you do all this. Explain everything to your IM. And ask for his/her opinion. Also explain your goals. Explain that it either saves your marriage or it does not. But it will heal your daughter and you. And if they do not agree to any of this. They are not an IM.
The IM is very important on this.
If your stronger than me. You will set up your email to forward all emails from WAS to IM. So you will no longer see any of that.
Next you need to have answers to your wayward. The carrot answer and the stick answer.
Mine are as follows.
Stick " My wife's only goal is to keep an 8 year old apart from her mother and father. " Carrot " I love WAS very much. But she made some mistakes. Ones that I could not stand bye and watch. So I let her go to experience her mistakes. WE are mutual friends. I hope that you do not judge her or me on our actions during this difficult time. One day she will realize what she has done and she will need her friends. I will not be there to help her but I hope you can. As when you love someone you help where ever you can."
If you lead with the stick. Aways say the carrot right after.
Make sure you have a few variations of this carrot and stick.
Very important. Trust me on this. It is very important. To loving detach will require this. Friends need to be able to see that you do not put them in between you both. Let her do this. You just show love towards a person who made a mistake. Nothing more. You love your daughter. No actions will cause harm to her.
I recommend you send her the no contact letter. And I recommend it gets written out here and agreed on. It needs to explain 1. That there is to be no contact. 2. That the IM will communicate the following info 3. That the following conditions must be met to start up communication again.
As you push your plan she will rebel against it. It goes against what she planned. Exposure will cause anger. This is a great time to test your growth.
Good luck. It is a hard path. One that I will say I have not see any relationship benifits. But personaly. I have saved my soul. I was beaten. Now I am not.
