My story begins with a twist...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Trent,

Reading this most recent post of yours, I'm concerned that you almost be willing to say or do ANYTHING to save this right now, and I'm concerned you're not looking out for your own physical and emotional needs.

There is a line past which "compassion" and "understanding" becomes "desperation." I haven't followed your sitch closely enough to be able to fairly say that you CROSSED that line, but just please be cautious of it.

Your convo also sounds like you're trying to be a FIXER (I know, cuz -- like most men -- I is one, too! ):

1) She says that she feels like a switch flipped in her head; she feels like her sex drive is completely absent right now. I suggested that she might need to talk to someone -- we could start with an MC.

2) She says that we deserve to be with someone that we're crazy about. I agreed and told her that wasn't a problem with me.

3) She won't say "I love you" right now because she doesn't mean it the same way I do. I told her that I understood that and it was fine with me.

4) She's flipped through my copy of His Needs Her Needs but feels like the advice isn't helpful because much of it was stuff she had tried before but it wasn't working. She also looked at my copy of The Love Dare but didn't have much of an opinion on it yet. I told her I stopped working on it when the surgery happened -- I didn't mention that I didn't pick it up again yet because of the DB'ing.

5) I told her that we needed to see an MC together; he or she would give us tools to work things out. I told her I could wait until she was back to work full-time, or even after the holidays. She seemed willing to do it but not ready to commit to anything.

Try to resist the urge to "fix" and to "rescue." Just let her know that you HEAR her, and validate what she's feeling, without trying to FIX.

Puppy

[TrentC]

I hear what you are saying.

I know that she has told other people that things have been "quiet", but that she's not sure where things are going from here. The point I was trying to get across last night is that I want to work on this relationship as well, but that I am waiting for her to be ready to do so.

Also, she woke up in the middle of the night and came and got into bed with me. So there is that, too.

[smith18]

Trent - I feel real optimistic that your M is going to be saved.

Puppy makes a great point about us guys wanting to be fixers.

I highly recommend a book called "Hold on to your NUTs". There are 8 bettermen tool chapters in it that can greatly change the way you interact with your wife.

[Lll54]

I third the "fixing" verses "validating" comment Puppy said. I feel that's a reason why my marriage is where it is right now. Men are fixers, even though mine isn't right now, he always was and when he couldn't FIX our situation, it got to him and he left. I am not in the position to give you of all people advice because I feel you are on the right track, but you can't fix this. Coming from a woman, sometimes we want to go through what we're going through without that man trying to help us get out of it. Men tend to want take responsibility for their women's problems as they feel like the protector. But she will get through this on her own, and come out a strong independent woman and you will be there on her side when its all done holding her hand. I'm sure of it.

[TrentC]

I am not in the position to give you of all people advice because I feel you are on the right track, but you can't fix this. Coming from a woman, sometimes we want to go through what we're going through without that man trying to help us get out of it.

I understand this, and I'm walking a fine line between trying to "fix" it and encouraging her to go for help. This is the closest to an R conversation we've had in almost 2 weeks.

I'm still convinced that she is -- or was -- suffering from depression for much of the last year, and she internalizes stuff like nobody's business. One of my 180's has been to be more assertive about not letting her bottle up her feelings with "I'm fine" and "Never mind".

But I've said my piece to her. We'll see how things go for the next week or so.

[Lll54]

Miss you...hope you are doing well

[chatterbug]

Oh Britt. Do not try to guilt Trent back to your thread.
Actions speak louder than words.

Trent. I am cheering for ya. You are a good person. I do not know your story enough to comment.

[Gardener]

Trent,
Pls go see SpyBunny even if you don't know entire sitch. Needs help.

[TrentC]

Gardner: done and done.

Not much to discuss right now, really.

She should be starting back to work full-time this week; that should help a lot with things getting back to normal.

She seems to be trying to get comfortable with sleeping in the same bed with me again. She did on Thursday and Friday nights, but not last night. We'll see about tonight.

[Lll54]

Cutter, I am not trying to guilt him back into my thread. I was just simply letting him know I'm still here, and innocently hoping he is doing well. That's all. I don't expect him to come back, he set that boundary, I'm well aware. Trent, honestly, just hoping you're doing well. Completely innocent. Its a one way street I'm driving on, just wanted you to know I'm still on the road.

Britt