K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

I don't have it in me to really address everything that was said. But I will say this. The only way for me to achieve detachment really is by bringing this to a close and ending it and walking away.

25, I don't even know what to say about your assumption that I am just going to go back to drinking and so forth with my life. I'm not.

As far as seeing things as black and white, you are right, I did. I no longer do. I understand now that everyone has their limits. I hit mine. I guess the whole "standing" thing was more than I could really take with time. I bit off more than I could chew. I thought I could chew the whole thing as long as it took. I can't.

CG, I am not looking to gain any control over this or get her back. I am walking away from her and moving on with my life without her. I am prepared to go through with this and I have no expectations of her changing her mind or else I wouldn't consider this. I am done. I am walking out. It is over. She isn't coming back. I'm not wasting my time anymore on a dream.

The only thing I am worried about now is how to tell my kids that yes, I am officially ending it. But in all honesty, I am not ending anything. W already ended it. I am just finalizing it.

I did talk to my priest yesterday. He is not for it. He thinks I need to keep praying and being patient. He says that once I am a confirmed catholic that my prayers will have more influence as a H and a father. Maybe that is true, maybe it isn't. I don't know. It kind of frusturated me as I am trying to submit to the authority of the church. Even my BIL surprisingly is finally in support of me doing this. He said morally he isn't, but he also said he is not in my position and he can understand it and he can't say at the same time how long he could hold out either.

It is not that I am looking for approval so much as seeing if I am stepping out of bounds here. And I seem to have everyone in agreement other than my priest to go forward with it if I can't hold out any longer.

Yes, I took a harsh stance as a stander. But my human side finally took over. I realized reality.

25, I don't think I am ever going to convince you of anything other than what my past was.

I already said I feel like a hypocrite because of how harsh my stance was. I can't change that.

I haven't fully made my decision as I don't want to be in defiance of the church. I am really trying to think it over though and weigh stuff. If I do this, I am going through with it. I have already set my mindset of being done if I do this. This is no joke and no ploy and no strategy. I would not do this lightly. I don't want to do it. There were times when I almost wanted to cry when thinking about going forward with it. But I feel like it is the only way to move on with my life and put her in the past.

Kevin